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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask you to share your experiences of a Wendy

85 replies

OnlyWantsOne · 28/06/2014 20:00

Reading other threads about relationships with friends has got me thinking about women in my life who have made deliberate and calculated efforts to exclude me from having a relationship with one of my close friends.

She's a bit odd tbh. What grown woman turns up at another person's house unannounced with a bottle of wine and an over night bag for a "GIRLY SLEEPOVER" and basically takes over the house and has a jealous rage about friend texting any one else when she's with her. Making face book status about how much they love each other etc. I let them get on with it now but when it first happened I was really upset

OP posts:

TruJay · 28/06/2014 21:40

I was playing pirates with DS earlier, I'm obviously still in character

My bro had a school friend called Wendy, she too was very lovely. The lady who lived in the house behind our was called Wendy too and she was nice as well

jonicomelately · 28/06/2014 21:40

It's not really offensive to Wendy's. It's just shorthand for a woman who drives a wedge between you and a friend. Don't overthink it

Iknowthings · 28/06/2014 21:42

'Wendy' in a MN word to describe a woman who becomes your mate, then mates with 'your' mates and then excludes you and makes out like your a loon and runs off with 'your' mates. It's Wendy because that was the name given to the 'Wendy! In the original post.

andsmile · 28/06/2014 21:43

I have been Wendied, very subtly and slowly - school gate mum. I was at the time quite upset on a couple of occasions when I realised what was happening. I tried to front it out for a bit but in the end I took a step back.

I have never experienced this before. I was a bit low at the time and it took a while for hurt feelings to subside (hard when you see them twice a day) I have been through an angry phase to. I feel like I want to scream and preach to anyone what this person is really like. I was paranoid it was because I wasn't nice or defective in some way.

Then somone else realised what she was like. - oh the relief of realising my judgement was spot on. Between us we think she has lied so much about who she really is. She has manipulated the original group to protect her lies and keep one person to herself - that no one was actually intruding on anyway.

I await the day (but suppose I'll never know, maybe) that this one person realises what she was like. I wished I had said more at the time, but I might have sounded a bit unhinged.

There are new friends about the wendy and the protected one. I also await to see what will happen. I have a feeling the Wendy will pull her kids to another school for some made up excuse.

I have found this a difficult thing to let go of because she is there in my face everyday, twice a day. I despise her.

oldandcrabby · 28/06/2014 21:45

I suspect there are few people named Wendy who are younger than 50 but I have two friends called Wendy who are fantastic. So let's stand up for Wendy. Mavis now....

TruJay · 28/06/2014 21:47

That sounds awful andsmile some people are just bastards rotten sods!

Pancakeflipper · 28/06/2014 21:48

There's a Wendy at our school. She's managed to Wendy so many people that she's now trying to befriend them to have another go.

andsmile · 28/06/2014 21:55

I thought she was my friend, I looked up to her, went to her for advice lots. She made be feel left out,like inviting others to things in front of me. The others didn't.

I can be quite anxious and it did cause me to feel quite uncomfortable. I had at the time plenty of friends, acitive socially I didnt rely on them but that feeling of being excluded is horrible.

I now, through the other friend who realised, know a lot of stuff and she is so fake, but actually we strongly suspect a bit messed up. I am in a much better place with my thinking about this whole thing. It has taken while.

BristolRover · 28/06/2014 21:56

I'm being Wendied right now by a school gate mum. On the one hand she is copying places I've gone, things I've done and picking up friends of mine in a bizarrely aggressive campaign, but then she's leaving me out of all the lunches / parties / girl's dinners etc etc. It upset me to start with but now I just realise she's barking, and buying friends. Like andsmile says, once other people start to notice and comment on the odd behaviour, then it becomes slightly comical.

BristolRover · 28/06/2014 21:57

(in fact, reading andsmile's posts makes me wonder if it's the same person!)

Iseenyou · 28/06/2014 21:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StairsInTheNight · 28/06/2014 22:02

I got Wendied at work. Met my Wendy on a training course. She seemed lovely and like she would fit in with the big friendly group of people I socialised with at the time, so I introduced her to them.

Big mistake! I just walked away- stayed close to four people who are still good friends now.

The group just split up really. Still not sure why! I think she had some issues. We got on really well at first though she did say her female friends never stuck around in the past.

Not sure why she took against me, it did hurt at the time but now I just feel a bit bewildered and regretful. Some people make life so difficult, they must gain something from it but it's hard to see what.

andsmile · 28/06/2014 22:02

I felt quite lonely at first I did think I was a bit nuts, poor DH got it all (was good about it all)

If I had my time again I'd call her on it.

My Wendy we think has lied about: her husbands job, inferences about wealth, holidays - she has been everywhere you have been. I think she has copied some of my recent clothes, footwear and bag purchases. (Could be wrong im pretty mainstream) She lied about her childs progress. Most of all she has these family dramas that alwasy involve illness/medical/hospitals.

We couldnt give a monkey's, I'm actually offended at she felt she had to lie to fit in. Not from immediate community.

I think things are on the wane, I like to believe in Karma. Anyway she is not the one going along to all the social stuff, the one she 'protects' has also ended up left out and I dont know if she realises it or not or is actually complicit...who knows really what goes on.

andsmile · 28/06/2014 22:05

Iseen I think you have it spot on for the reasons behind it. In the case my wendy I think it is a control issue. I strongly believe she has control issues around food and maybe anorexic. At least v unhealthy attitudes.

pictish · 28/06/2014 22:48

Mine was competitive. I think she felt she had to win her place in the group by taking it from someone else.
I did question her motives to my friends at the time, and of course, I got called jealous and possessive. It was barmy really, because I had introduced her to the group and been very happy to share. The more the merrier.

andsmile · 28/06/2014 22:53

Thinking now, mine once said i had the perfect life. It was in relation to something else but I remember looking funny, going dont be silly.

Maybe it is a bit Single White Female pictish where they want to steel your life.

McPie · 28/06/2014 23:02

Ds1 (13 now) went through nursery and 7 years of primary with the same group of kids so us mums got pretty friendly over the years.
One mum pulled away from the group when she played the my kid is the best at everything card a fair few too many times that we all stopped biting to which she stopped joining us on nights out.
She started joining in again last year as her ds and another mums dd were pretty close friends and things were going ok until I got a PM on Facebook accusing my ds of bullying her ds, it was 2 other boys being nasty as they had fallen out.
I did not take it lying down and fronted her out about her ds's lie which she hated and turned it onto me instead. I had been very quiet when she was last part of the group but I gained a massive amount of confidence after losing 4 stone and I think she thought I was still the easy target!
I will admit it hurt and out of the group I have daily contact with one mum (younger kids at school together and she knows ds very well so did not believe what was said about him) and occasional contact with one other mum but I now have a group of friends with a common interest which has nothing to do with kids, think mud and obstacles , and one wonderful girl has become an amazingly good friend and training buddy and I wouldn't swap the new group for the old group ever!

pictish · 28/06/2014 23:06

Well yes, she wanted my social life anyway.
I met her at the end of a long stifling relationship she had been in, whereby she was left a bit adrift. I thought a new crew was just what she needed...and it was, but I didn't bargain on being gaslighted right on out of it.

It worked out for me in the end, because i thought 'fuck this' and decided to spread my wings and move away from my home turf, which was a good decision. My life took off from there.

If i came upon another scenario like this again, I would immediately step back and let her have it. Good friends wouldn't allow it to happen, so they're not worth hanging on to. They could go.

andsmile · 28/06/2014 23:15

I think I would too actually -step back.

I wish I could have got perspective on this sooner. I have wasted a lot of time beating myself up for this - related to my issues there i guess. But I have certainly learnt a lot. I have to go through another set of school gate parents when youngest starts.

I'm still speaking to 2/4. One I meet for coffee now and then so it's not like I'm out in the cold. I have two other regular groups of friends elsewhere.

itsbetterthanabox · 28/06/2014 23:24

Poor Wendy she was the one excluded by the list boys for being a girl!
I think you are overthinking this. Your friend makes the choice who she spends time with. Don't blame someone else if she isn't hanging our with you. It's her choice.

pictish · 28/06/2014 23:30

I don't see any wendying going on in the OP mind...

andsmile · 28/06/2014 23:34

itsbetter its not about making friendship choices.

A wendy will systemaitcally manipulate people, push herself in aka bitch wedge and constructively exclude you, thus eroding any friendships however simple.

i could give you subtle examples of what happended to me, but i think ive said enough and could out myself. I know this person did not just choose others over me - fine we've all had that she prevented me and another person from continuing a friendship with another person through lies and omissions.

dalek · 29/06/2014 00:48

My dd is being Wendied at the moment

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/06/2014 00:57

It's a misogynist term.

Phoenix2014 · 29/06/2014 07:52

I don't think it's misogynist. It comes from a Judy Blume book. I've been "Wendied", so has DH by another nutty friend.
It really unsettled me and has caused me a lot of social anxiety. Every time I had a social gathering this W would mine more friends. The galling thing is that I introduced her as she'd just come out of a duff relationship. Friends will say, oh I went to That big night with W, surprised you didn't want to go. At a recent event one friend was amazed at the coincidence that we knew all of W's friends.
Not sure if that made sense. I gues I don't get why anyone would want to expend that much energy on messing with other people's friendships.

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