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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be upset about this

54 replies

x2boys · 27/06/2014 22:39

My son was four last month he has a diagnosis of autism and learning difficulties ,he is going on a trip with nursery to a farm next week and they want to put a/wrist strap on him because they are afraid he wil wander off the thing is I have have never had to use reins or a wrist strap and we walk up and down a busy main road three times a day taking older Ds to school younger D's to nursery pickups etc when I stop he stops and he is too scared to let go of my hand even when we go shopping he walks around holding my hand .I could understand if he was a bolter but he isn't ?

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MrsWinnibago · 27/06/2014 23:06

If he has sensory issues and you say he can't tolerate it then they must come up with something else. That's all.

They're there to support him and ALL his needs. If he was noise sensitive they wouldn't expose him to fireworks would they? One to one should be able to manage!

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 27/06/2014 23:07

Is this the first time they have taken him on a trip,outside the nursery? If so, you could ask them to try without the wrist strap and see how he does - if he behaves as well for them as he behaves for you, no strap necessary, but if he does run off, they might have to rethink.

Original poster

x2boys · 27/06/2014 23:09

Well passthecake my friend who also has children going there whose youngest son has gdd nephew was apparently put on a wristvsrap during break time no special needs bad behaviour I believe .

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saintlyjimjams · 27/06/2014 23:10

I can see both sides tbh. I put my own son on a harness after he nearly bolted unexpectedly under a bus when he was about 5 (I had to abandon him younger brother in shop and try and catch him while heavily pregnant). In ds1's case the issue was having other children to look after -1:1 he was okay but if I needed to use my hands or look after another child at the same time he went on his harness thing until he was reliable with the word 'stop'. Does your son have a 1:1?

ds1 would never have tolerated a wrist strap though, he had a belt (he still can't have things around his wrist & he's a teenager now). If your son can't cope with things around his wrist then I'd talk to them about alternatives & how much he needs it, and how big the group sizes are.

maddening · 27/06/2014 23:11

Why not suggest that they take the wrist strap and use it if it becomes apparent that it is required - especially as he has a 1:1 career then she is only there to watch him which mitigates some risk surely and they have a wrist strap available if required.

Original poster

x2boys · 27/06/2014 23:11

Yes first time if he did start acting up and they said can we use it if we need to I think I would think rather differently than can we use it just in case .

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BitchyVstheUFOs · 27/06/2014 23:15

Tbh i do not think you are being unreasonable. I do think that they have made assumptions and that they are being lazy.

But wrist straps are pointless for determined bolters. Ds was a bolter, he figure out how to slip the wrist strap in the grand total of the first 5mins of it being on. and the little pest did it in such a manner there wasn't a change in the pressure applied to the strap so it was noticable straight away

Go back and talk to them and talk in terms of the wrist strap causing more problems. It is possible it is standard for all the kids (not just the sn kids) which some nurseys do do. However I think the only thing that the nursery has shown is that they do not have the understanding of how your ds is affected (wrong word but not sure how else to best describe what i mean) by the autism. They appear to have made generalisations and no two autistic kids are the same which is something they appear to fail to understand.

MrsWinnibago some people would, disturbingly enough. I know of a school that force a noise sensitive kid to do a huge noisy event. Their justification was that he needed to learn to deal with it because life was noisy.

Original poster

x2boys · 27/06/2014 23:21

No bitchy it is just my son and another little boy who I said I.m not sure of his difficulties but is non verbal .

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BitchyVstheUFOs · 27/06/2014 23:42

Like i said it really does sound like they have been lazy and made assumptions proving they have no idea of the variations of SN and autism.

There is so little knowledge and understanding of this in the medical world let alone the school and nursery world. generalisations like this annoy me and how hard is it to ask the parents of the risk assessment they would make in the same situation before they do theirs.

BitchyVstheUFOs · 27/06/2014 23:43

yes i am probably abu with the talk to parents bit

Canthisonebeused · 28/06/2014 00:32

I don't think YABU one bit. There is nothing to indicate (from what you say) there is any particular risk that he may wander or run off.

What I was thinking is that maybe the wrist strap is for his reassurance, if he is likely to be reliant upon hand holding and become fearful without that closeness when there are other children who may also require support, attention etc. he can have a little more independence without relying on holding hands all the time.

I would ask the school why they think a wrist strap is required, what they perceive the risk to be and why this measure will reduce the risk. And what are the risks of wearing the strap and why that put weighs the risk of not wearing the strap and what other risk minimising measures have they ruled out. That way they can justify the use of the strap or you can object the use of the strap.

Original poster

x2boys · 28/06/2014 00:40

Well that's it can but at his age all children can be unpredictable but I don't think that ds is more unpredictable than other children his age not in this particular case anyway .

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Canthisonebeused · 28/06/2014 00:53

To be honest at his she I don't think the trip is essential, if I were not happy about any aspects of a nursery trip I wouldn't send my dc.

Could he have that day off nursery and make clear that you aren't 100% with arrangements.

My dd missed a nursery trip once, I took the day off work and kept her home a I wasn't particularly happy with her arrangements.

StrawberryGashes · 28/06/2014 01:13

Yanbu, he has 1:1 and doesn't have a history of bolting so the wrist strap is unnecessary, make it clear to the staff that you don't want it used.

mrssprout · 28/06/2014 01:21

We had this situation with my ds. Staff asked if they could use wrist strap as they wanted to take him but were so scared of him running & getting lost or hurt. He was 4 & unpredictable (sn) so I was happy for them to use it as I had one I used if we were out somewhere busy. In your case with a 1:1 aid & no history of running plus the dislike of something on his wrist I would be inclined to say I didn't want it used initially but that they could have it or a backpack thing with them in case there was a problem only.

NoodleOodle · 28/06/2014 01:27

YANBU

I think it's weird that they're suggesting it when he is not a bolter. It makes as much sense putting a wrist strap on your child because he has a diagnosis of ASD as it does to do it to a dyslexic child. If running off is not one of his extra needs, why are they taking extra precautions with him on that basis?

MiscellaneousAssortment · 28/06/2014 01:34

Good phrase from MostWicked

"They are treating him according to their perception of his diagnosis, not according to his needs"

I'm going to write that down for use in other situations actually :)

Original poster

x2boys · 28/06/2014 07:42

Well yes and despite him being at the nursery for nearly a year I don't think they have any idea of what he is like .

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hazeyjane · 28/06/2014 07:47

YANBU x2boys.

I know that ds's preschool would talk to me about the best options - take ds's buggy, use backpack with reins as back up( ds wouldn't tolerate a wrist strap either, and would just drop to the floor if you tried to use one) - but they would also try to encourage ds to manage with holding his 1-1s hand. They wouldn't just do it by default because he has sn, which is what your ds's nursery seems to be doing.

CrohnicallyExhausted · 28/06/2014 08:48

I work in a school (mainstream, both with children with and without extra needs).

You keep saying that nursery have no idea what he is like- are you sure it isn't you who has no idea what he is like at nursery?

I think you need to go and ask to see his risk assessment for the trip and talk to the staff about their concerns. He might not be a bolter for you, but it's entirely possible that at nursery he has a history of wandering off looking for you, or hiding under tables, or some other behaviour that they are concerned about. If there isn't, and they are just worried because they haven't taken him out in public before, then hopefully talking to you (who has plenty of experience out with DS in public) will allay their fears.

In either case, if he dislikes things around his wrist then a wrist strap is inappropriate and you can talk about alternatives.

tethersend · 28/06/2014 10:27

"You keep saying that nursery have no idea what he is like- are you sure it isn't you who has no idea what he is like at nursery?"

If bolting was such a risk that additional support was required for school trips, then the OP should know about this already, as the school should have discussed it with her. It is not up to the OP to go in and find out, and it's unfair of you to admonish her for not doing so.

As a teacher, I would have discussed this with parents already.

I suspect they have not because he presents with no bolting behaviour, and they are doing exactly as MostWicked's excellent phrase suggests.

hazeyjane · 28/06/2014 10:36

Yes, I would be disappointed in ds's setting if things like that hadn't already been discussed.

Original poster

x2boys · 28/06/2014 10:44

No they have nt discussed anything like this before in fact at one of the many meetings we attend. My dh asked if we could have a brief run down about what's he s like during the day and they were very reluctant his ta now makes a point of telling me how he has been but his teacher won't .

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hazeyjane · 28/06/2014 10:51

That unwillingness to communicate would seriously piss me off 2boys - is your ds starting school in Sept? With ds's preschool we have regular meetings, but his 1-1 also writes in a communication book every day to say what ds has been up to, whether there has been anything wrong, nappy changes etc.

Original poster

x2boys · 28/06/2014 10:57

Yes hazeyjane but that's another issue we don't know where yet he has a place at the school where the nursery is attached too is older brother goes there but I haven't received a copy of his statement yet I don't know how it works in other Lea but in mine if your child requires a place in a special school you have to apply for a mainstream place hence his place and we will only find out if he is going to mainstream or special school once we get his statement back !

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