To not allow my 12-year-old to sleepover when I don't know the parents?

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DD thinks I am BU.

She is 12 & has a group of friends at school. She has been to various friends houses for parties and even two sleepovers.

The difference being that I spoke to these girls parents on the phone before she went!

She asked on monday if she could stay at Lilly's house on Friday night, go home with her after school, go to cinema etc.

I said I would need to speak to Lilly's mum or dad before she could go.

Today is Thursday & I haven't heard from either of them.

Dd give her friend my number, I did offer to call the mum/dad but no number was produced.

This evening dd is saying Lilly's mother is at a wedding today so can't call me but it'll be fine & I should just chill out & let her go...

I said no, she's not going. She asked if she could take tomorrow off school as she's going to look like a baby saying she can't go to the sleepover as I haven't spoken to Lilly's mother.

AIBU? She's not a liar so I believe there is a sleepover, but am I too overprotective? We live quite rurally so I am used to taking her places, but this girl lives in a large town about 30 miles away & just is more streetwise than dd. I'm not sure why, but my gut instinct is to not change my mind, despite her tears.

You're doing the right thing. You don't want your kids going to a place with uninvolved parents.

I went to a sleep over as a kid and ended up witnesses a domestic dispute with the friend's father throwing a TV and screaming at the mom.

So it's good to make sure your DD goes to houses where you get a good vibe from the parents and that they are actively involved so you know your daughter won't be exposed to things she shouldn't be.

But I can't see why a phone call would make any difference.

Because generally parents that call and talk to you first are the parents that care and are actively involved with their children. If they don't care enough to call, they may not care enough to check up on them once in a while or if they say get into the liquor cabinet (as an extreme example)

Any change in the situation OP?

UPDATE

Lilly's mother rang me this morning! (I have been at work all day)

Turns out she didn't actually receive my number til then! Bloody girls!

She said her dd has been excited all week about the sleepover & she thought it's odd I hadn't contacted her.

After a chat with both girls (dd hadn't left for school nor had Lilly) turns out dd only give her my number in Wednesday night, Lilly's mum had a wedding of a very good friend yesterday & it just didn't happen, however she rang as soon as she realised this morning that dd wasn't being allowed to go.

She reassured me they would be supervised etc so I let dd go.

I'm glad she called when she did to reassure me, I'm also glad dd knows I am serious when I say no if I don't get to speak to a parent.

Thanks for all mightthe support, turns out communication isn't a 12 year olds strong point!

"turns out communication isn't a 12 year olds strong point!"

I think you were really right to hang out though - if it were my dd it would also be a failure of communication (rather than anything sinister) BUT they just have to learn that if they don't get their act together & do what Mum asks then they don't get to do the nice stuff!!!

Brilliant result all round, you did the right thing

How nice to have a happy ending for all involved!

Isn't it

The mum has sent me a couple of text messages this evening to let me know what the girls have been doing & she seems like a genuinely nice woman

Great result!

Good result.

(Though at that age my rule for DD1 was no sleep over without me dropping off if she hadn't actually visited the house before and felt 'comfortable' there. Surprised no one mentioned that. Now the rule is that if she goes somewhere and feels uncomfortable to text me and I'll find a reason why she needs to come home.)
(By 'comfortable' I mean no elder brothers smoking pot, no dangerous dogs etc, not the size of the house or anything like that).

Hope the girls have fun.

They had a great time!

I picked her up yesterday, Lilly's mother is a lovely woman, so friendly & warm.

Thanks for all the good advice.