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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not allow my 12-year-old to sleepover when I don't know the parents?

61 replies

EvaBeaversProtege · 26/06/2014 21:43

DD thinks I am BU.

She is 12 & has a group of friends at school. She has been to various friends houses for parties and even two sleepovers.

The difference being that I spoke to these girls parents on the phone before she went!

She asked on monday if she could stay at Lilly's house on Friday night, go home with her after school, go to cinema etc.

I said I would need to speak to Lilly's mum or dad before she could go.

Today is Thursday & I haven't heard from either of them.

Dd give her friend my number, I did offer to call the mum/dad but no number was produced.

This evening dd is saying Lilly's mother is at a wedding today so can't call me but it'll be fine & I should just chill out & let her go...

I said no, she's not going. She asked if she could take tomorrow off school as she's going to look like a baby saying she can't go to the sleepover as I haven't spoken to Lilly's mother.

AIBU? She's not a liar so I believe there is a sleepover, but am I too overprotective? We live quite rurally so I am used to taking her places, but this girl lives in a large town about 30 miles away & just is more streetwise than dd. I'm not sure why, but my gut instinct is to not change my mind, despite her tears.

OP posts:
UsedToBeShirley · 26/06/2014 22:26

Nope. Listen.

Don't feel bad. You asked for the number, this is Usual Practice. Make it clear that you need the number or it isn't happening. That should trigger some desparate calling around by your DD! You will get that number.

My DS (13) did this weird thing about a concert recently. I wouldn't allow him to go until I had a number of the responsible adult, he procrastinated and couldn't get the number and blah blah....and then he realised I meant it and I got the number, called , spoke to a parent and all was good!

No number, no sleepover. You're not a wicked witch Hmm and fuck that anyway. You're GOING to be. Wicked witch to her at some point anyway...such is raising teenagers. Wink

Original poster
EvaBeaversProtege · 26/06/2014 22:35

The sleepover is tomorrow.

She is currently in bed.

She's not going.

If she was, she would have to have had her bag packed etc & she doesn't.

Even if Lilly's mum called me in the morning, I would let her go. I just think if she can't be arsed to call then she wouldn't be arsed about what the girls get up to when they're there.

But as I say, we live rurally, dd isn't street savvy, she does go down town after school but that's our local town, the town Lilly lives in is larger & dd has never been there before.

It just feels all wrong.

Dd is saying she feels she has let her friends down. She was invited to spend a weekend there to go to a big theme park (a boat journey away Hmm) but it's a weekend dh & I are away & I have organised for dd & ds to stay with my sister. I didn't feel it was right that she went after we had made other arrangements. I explained it was just unfortunate but dd says that's unfair too.

OP posts:
midgeymum2 · 26/06/2014 22:42

You are doing the right thing. Your daughter is getting the message that you care where she is, what she is doing and who she is with. That is a good message. Ok she doesn't like it now, but there will be other sleepovers (yes, I know I'm not dealing with the fallout!) But don't be hard on yourself Brew

2rebecca · 26/06/2014 23:04

I'd have let my kids go at 12 and wouldn't have wanted to meet the parents but I would have wanted to phone them or them to phone me to discuss the details. As the mum refused to do that or couldn't be bothered I think refusing the sleepover is sensible.
I did get to know the parents of the kids my kids were friends with a bit over time but at initial sleepovers I often hadn't met them as I work and have a busy social life. I didn't feel that me not being a school gates mum should stop my kids having sleepovers but do think with young kids parents should be involved in making these arrangements. Different when they are 16, although in some ways at 16 you have to be more careful of what they are up to and usually I still phoned the parents they were staying with. My kids are a bit chaotic as well.

arethereanyleftatall · 26/06/2014 23:09

Sorry if I missed this, but do we know if Lilly actually gave her mother your number?

Bouttimeforwine · 26/06/2014 23:12

I have let them go with only text communication, between me and the parents, to confirm arrangements. I was uneasy but I made sure dc had a secret code word they could use on the phone to us or text, so that we would know that they needed us to pick them up using a saving face for them, excuse.

rogueelement · 26/06/2014 23:14

God no, I wouldn't let my daughter have a sleepover in those circumstances. My son used to try it on much more at that age, and we had a rule about parties/sleepovers for ages, that I had to speak to the parents directly first, AND get their numbers/addresses etc etc. I would want to meet a parent, too. I've come across other kids end up in sticky situations through their parents just assuming there's no risk. I think at 12/13 they get quite excited about new found freedom and it goes to their heads for a bit. But they're 12, not 17, and you've got to be the (dull) voice of reason.

Original poster
EvaBeaversProtege · 26/06/2014 23:15

No, we don't.

I just know dd sent my number to Lilly.

This evening I went shopping after work, I rang home & did answered the call. At the end of the call she said "oh by the way, Lilly's mum is at a wedding all day so she won't be able to phone you" I said okay, we'll discuss it when I get home.

When she tried on a top (for Saturdays event) it wasn't the right size so I suggested we oh after school/work tomorrow evening.

That's when she said but but but, I'm for Lilly's!

Dh agreed with me.

OP posts:
DramaAlpaca · 26/06/2014 23:16

I think you've done the right thing, OP. I'd have done the same in the circumstances.

Original poster
EvaBeaversProtege · 26/06/2014 23:19

She's only 12.

She doesn't seem into boys or anything, but Lilly has a boyfriend who lives near her, has been with him since the beginning of the year.

I think the fact they will probably be meeting with him & his friends is making me reluctant too.

Don't get me wrong, I don't mind a bit if she has friends that are boys, but in a strange town, with a group of teen boys she doesn't really know, I would just worry more.

I think if I'd spoken to Lilly's mum who explained how they were getting to cinema, plans for evening etc, I'd be more content.

OP posts:
tanukiton · 26/06/2014 23:34

HA HA HA no! I got up to far too much trouble. (Ok at 14 15) to even think that this is a good idea.

You haven't spoken to the mother.
The mother can't phone you
On not producing the number, your daughter hasn't packed. Sounds suspect to me :)

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 27/06/2014 00:06

OP, DD1 is 12. No way would I send her if I hadn't spoken to the other mom. (In fact, I wouldn't leave her go at all if I didn't know the mom. Not until she is at least 14. Buts thats just me).

Disappointing for your DD, yes. But you are only looking after her.

Original poster
EvaBeaversProtege · 27/06/2014 07:15

Well, she has got out of bed anyway so she's obv changed her mind about school.

OP posts:
TantrumsAndBalloons · 27/06/2014 07:22

Ha. I had a phone call when ds1 was in year 8 to confirm that x and y were staying at my house on Saturday.

I was baffled. Mostly because we were all going away on Friday and clearly no one was staying here.

It turns out there was a party at a year 10 girls house and some of them were invited. Ds1 had already told me about it and I had said no because we were away.
Some of his friends thought that they would say they were staying here.
The mother I spoke to said her ds kept telling her that I would ring her to confirm but when I didn't, she found my number from the primary school class list Grin

After that, I made a hundred percent sure I always spoke to the parents before a sleepover Grin

OwlCapone · 27/06/2014 07:30

Ordinarily, I wouldn't have a major problem letting them sleepover. However, your DD and her friend appear to have been somewhat evasive about you speaking to Lily's mother. I would smell a rat!

ChampagneAndCrisps · 27/06/2014 07:36

I think I'd be suspicious,if the mums at a wedding all day, the sleepover could be a form of babysitting.

I've had my DD (14) go to a nearby friends house for a sleepover - then the mum go out for the evening with her BF. 14 is older, but my DD has medical problems & I'd rather there was an adult around.

I think you've done the right thing. But it is difficult - there is less adult-adult communication as they get older. Keep talking too your DD and remain reasonable - in the hope she keeps telling you what's going on in her life.

Floggingmolly · 27/06/2014 07:44

You say "they've had all week to contact me and they haven't". But at secondary level, parents don't facilitate get togethers for their kids so much; if I was in that mums position I would fully expect you to be the one to contact me.
The fact that your dd hasn't managed to produce a phone number speaks volumes, I think. There's something she doesn't want you to know...

VeryDullNameChange · 27/06/2014 08:00

I agree that I wouldn't let my 12 year old go without confirmation from the other parent. It might not be sinister, but it might very well be a plan she doesn't even know about that would be wildly inconvenient to her. However, depending on the situation with your sister I'd perhaps change my mind on the theme park trip (again subject to unambiguous contact with parents). Would sister not be relieved at having babysitting no longer required? Or is it more complex.
This is why class contact lists are such a godsend.

VeryDullNameChange · 27/06/2014 08:04

Also, why on earth does mum being at a wedding mean she can't speak to you? Most weddings (unless you are the bride) include a bunch of waiting around, and presumably she has a mobile? Too late now, but if you'd got her number and texted her to ring you when convenient it would be fine. I agree that it's all a bit iffy.

Doingakatereddy · 27/06/2014 08:05

You're doing the right thing IMO, if the Mum can't be bothered to speak to you & is that 'chilled out' she can't understand why you want a quick chat, then she's the wrong type of parent to look after DD overnight.

Stand firm now, I've no doubt this will mark beginning of a mega strop!

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 27/06/2014 08:14

I wouldn't not without a phone call at the very least. 12 is not old enough. Ds is 13 and has been having sleep overs since he was 6 so I'm not overly protective.

Andrewofgg · 27/06/2014 08:37

No sleepovers until one parent of the guest has met and sussed out the parent(s) of the host and exchanged phone numbers, and until the particular date has been confirmed between the adults.

That was our rule for DS when he was a child, and we stuck to it. And we expected to be sussed out before the return match.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 27/06/2014 10:13

You are absolutely, 100% doing the right thing. You sound like a lovely mum.

My mum wouldn't have let me go anywhere at 12 if the arrangements had been this flaky. Don't doubt yourself! (And I grew up to have the best relationship with that very strict mum.)

How will you be sure your DD will come home after school and not just go to Lilly's?

wingsandstrings · 27/06/2014 17:11

personally I think you'd be mad to if you don't know the environment she'd be going to or the people she'll be with. Sleepovers put kids in a vulnerable situation - you have no idea if there are readily accessible alcohol or drugs in the house, if a parent or older sibling is a perv, if they'll spend all night viewing porn or horribly violent films . . . . . . my parents were pretty strict about sleepovers when I was a teen and it annoyed me at the time but since then I think about how on sleepovers one friend got touched up by a pervy Dad, one had sex at 13, one got so drunk she had to be taken to hospital to get her stomach pumped. Only the hospitalised friend's parents ever found out, the other parents were blissfully unaware of what had happened with their children. Honestly, 12 is very young still.

Hakluyt · 27/06/2014 17:18

What difference would five minutes on the phone with her mother make?

I can sort of understand not letting her go to sleepovers with people you don't know (although I reckon once they are at secondary school this gets increasingly difficult to maintain as a position) and I can understand letting her go. But I can't see why a phone call would make any difference.

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