To ask about married life after baby? Help.

[TryingToFixThis]

(Name changed because I don't want all my laundry on the same sn)

When I got pregnant with DD, he was great, very supportive. Did all the errand runs, picked up all the house chores because I was too tired/sick the whole time. When DD was born he was right there taking care of baby the first few nights so I could get sleep and recover after a rough week of labor, false alarms and hospital visits. He works, I stay home with DD. We split the night shifts, he does his fair share and is a hands on father. Ok, so you get it. He's an excellent DH.

We haven't DTD since before DD was born a few months ago. We're both feeling ready again. But I'm tired, he's tired. It just never happens.

I've been cranky and irritable for the last few weeks, not wanting any physical attention after being with DD all day. He always takes her off my hands, cooks dinner. Baby is teething, teething toys aren't working, and every day is just her fussing and crying, which just zaps all my emotional energy.

He called me at work during lunch, saying he was feeling like we were drifting and that we never see each other for more than an hour each day, where he talks and I zone out. I agreed. We said we'd talk when he gets home tonight and figure out a plan because this isn't working and we can't continue on this current path. But I said I'd plan a fun date for this Saturday as a start that we can look over when he gets home, and we'd take it from there.

Anyway, his idea of talking at the end of the day is talking about his favorite video games or showing me youtube videos. I have nothing better to talk about, and I'm bored to death of "How's baby" to change the topic. I need help articulating why this is not "talking" at the end of the day with each other.

So I need your help mn with a few things:

• Creative date ideas (I'd rather not default to dinner and a movie)
• As stupid as this sounds, conversation prompts. I got a couples journal that you fill out with each other so that's a good start.
• How to get through day with baby and still have energy.
• How did you manage married life with a baby? We spend all our energy on the baby and not on each other anymore. Is this just how it's going to be and we need to adjust or is there some sort of fix?

Sorry, poster, but alarm bells are ringing. You say you are bored to death; nowhere do you mention your baby in anything other than negative terms: the baby, screaming baby, Baby is teething, every day is just her teething and crying. You don't seem to have any pleasure or joy in her.
Obviously you are tired, but your husband is doing his fair share, and is also concerned about you and your relationship.
Are you seeing a health visitor, visiting other young mothers, getting out of the house if only for a walk with your daughter?
Would the grandparents be able to take her for part of the day so you could catch up on sleep? Sending her to them for a weekend sounds rather drastic.
Go out for a meal with your husband and see what develops; every suggestion he make you refute; why?
Sorry if this sounds harsh, but you do seem to have a problem more than simple baby tiredness.

Feel a bit sorry for baby and hubby!

I think the consensus of this thread is that we have all been there, in various forms and that time really is the best healer. If you can stick it out through this bit, it really will get better.

DH told me that he was no longer happy, when DD was just 5 months old. I was about to go back to work full-time, DH's beloved cat died (I know it sounds silly but it was the straw that broke the camel's back...) and we ended up in a bad way.

BUT, DD has just turned 5, DH threw me an amazing 40th birthday party on Saturday and life is sooooo much better now. I think the turning point was when DD started to become a 'real' little person and we both adored every stage with her. I work from home so go out with my friends a couple of times a week. DH has a busy time at work so is happy to stay in and watch TV in the evenings. Occasionally we go out together at weekends as a family, but I have lots of 'Mum' friends with their DCs that I meet up with aswell.

For me it's about having a life outside of home, it made me a much more interesting person to talk to. We actually have things to talk about now. Maybe try meeting some people through Local Meet-Ups (personally I don't recommend MN for this - but the rival site because there is NOTHING at all in my area for MNers), I've made some excellent friends through this. That way, when your DH comes home, you'll have more stuff to talk about!

I agree with other posters that doing family stuff together could help. We (DP, 3 month old DS and I) go swimming together which is lovely. It's good to do things all together rather than playing pass the baby. Picnics and walks work well too!

My dd is 15 mo and I can promise you it gets better. Teething sucks, being tired sucks. I had PND too so that didnt help matters.
How do we keep it together? Having time to do something individually, for example today I am going out for lunch with my mum without dd, my dh is taking over for the afternoon. Thats my time to be me again. And I come home revitalised missing my girl and dh..
We do have evenings together now as she goes to bed at 6.30/7pm and thats when we eat dinner together. Thats kinda like a mini date night there, time to connect just the two of us.
Sex? Well thats only happened a couple of times, when we were relaxed enough to do it. And my dh doesnt pressure me, otherwise I am just so not wanting to.
we do things as a family on his days off, we go to the park, dh comes to baby groups when he can. Museums, stuff that interests us, because she is too little and just loves people watching and new places.
Time is the key, a few months wont throw a marriage back on track. Basically, you have to discover a new phase of your marriage where you are parents and partners. If you have the expectation that it will be the same as before baby, then there is likely to be problems. Its all about finding it out. You will get there. Waiting sucks though

Regarding DTD...at the risk of being crude, you just need to get back on the horse (not literally!). And disclaimer that I don't want to encourage irresponsible drinking etc but have a few glasses of wine, relax and get back on it. That first time after baby is a psycholgical barrier as much as anything.

The boredom, well yes, it is a bit boring. But I'm pretty certain that most people with a young baby think they've become boring. What time does your DH come home from work? Is there time to do anything as a family then - swim, out for tea, walk to the park etc? You don't necessarily have to talk about things - doing things is as good/better.

you just need to get back on the horse

YY. It's easy to build it up and that's it is going to be either really special or bloody awful, when actually I imagine for most people it is just... meh. But you get back into it slowly.

I think the only real answer to this problem, which I promise you occurs to 99% of couples, is honesty. You have to keep saying "I love you, I want to spend time with you, but I am tired and some days I haven't done much worth a conversation." (If it helps, I vividly remember feeling that during maternity leave, that all I could talk about was babies and what the shop assistant said to me - it's not great when maybe you've been used to working, reading good books, keeping up with the news etc) You remind your OH that you miss them but right now it's not easy to just come up with a magical fix.

Family days out together is a good idea. Using a babysitter if you are comfortable with that is a good idea. Just two hours to have dinner, wine and conversation can make all the difference.

But apart from handing the baby over to someone else for a week, there is absolutely no magical fix. I suspect from your posts that he needs to understand this too. He needs to understand that his life hasn't changed as much as your life has right now: he has the same job, a lovely baby - but less wife. You've had your entire life turned upside down. So tell him that and be honest. Try and get some time for just you, once a week if you can, to reconnect with yourself.

No wonder you're tired if you're up from 3am!!

Sort the lack of sleep issue first.

OP we have a 6mo and had a similar conversation the other night. We feel like we are a family and individuals but not a couple anymore. We have DTD quite a few times (but not often) since the birth but it's always quickies and quiet so not to wake up DD.

I think we have decided that this is how things are going to be for a couple of years and we just have to suck it up. It's not miserable, but it's not fun either.

JapaneseMargaret, that is an excellent post.

Hmm.. Interesting points to think about. Thanks. :)

I think it just helps to know that this is a normal phase and I'm not the only one going through it. DH got home and we had a long talk about what was going on and what we wanted to do. I told him about this thread, and he felt better knowing this was normal. I think we both feel better getting it all out in the open.

We laughed a bit at how we both thought everything would be the same except now we just have a baby in the mix. We didn't really "get it" until we had the baby, even though we kept reading websites together the whole pregnancy. I don't think I quite understood what an identity shift would mean. I'm no longer "TryingToFixThis, who's good at a, b, c and enjoys doing x, y, z", I'm now "TryingToFixThis, who's a mother". Which is fine, I am a mother and I enjoy being one (most of the time), but I'm still who I was pre-baby, and it feels like no one else sees that.

Goblin I don't shoot down everything DH suggests. In fact I don't think I've shot down anything he suggested? I'm not sure where you got that? But yes, I was frustrated with DD (or I should say her situation, I know she's in pain and it's upsetting I can't fix it for her) when I wrote that. She's only about 3 months (and hasn't shown an interest in grabbing objects yet), and started teething early so she doesn't understand how to hold her teething toys to chew on or what she's suppose to do with them when I put them in her mouth, so there's not really a good solution at the moment that I've figured out (besides distracting her). I'm not sure how you want me to put a positive spin on that? I do love her beyond words, but it's hard to see it all as sunshine in roses when I pick her up she cries, I put her down she cries, I distract her with rattles she stares at me then cries. But you're right, I do need to work on myself, which is why I wrote this thread.

You will be happy to know, we have decided on a date. He wants to do dinner, so we're picking out restaurants (which has given us something to talk about).

Hi op - my baby is 13 weeks and mine and DH's life has been completely turned upside down. Certainly sounds like your DH helps you out a lot more than mine does though

We haven't had sex since DS arrived and it is the absolute last thing on my mind.

I think I can count the amount of times we have done something 'together as a family' on one hand. We managed a pub lunch last Sunday but I'm struggling to think of other occasions...

Our conversations are also limited as I have very little to talk about except the baby seeing as that's what my day consists of.

It is hard and me and DH have spoken about it and said we don't feel like a couple anymore. However, we acknowledged that its just a phase and that our relationship is 'on hold' at the moment but that things will improve as baby gets older.

We make sure things don't deteriorate too much by kissing and hugging every day, telling each other we love each other a lot and he phones me twice a day from work just to see how I am. We bath DS together and when I'm doing the bedtime stuff with DS my DH will always come and sit upstairs with us - he cant actually contribute much but its just another way to make sure we spend some time together as opposed to him being in one room and me in another.

Weather depending we also try and take DS out for a walk every few days just to get us out the house and away from the distraction of the TV so we can just idly chat away.

I don't think there is a 'fix' to this problem its just a case of staying honest with each other about how you're feeling and making the little things matter.

I think this is a normal phase you go through after having a baby. While it's still difficult and tiring the dust is starting to settle and you're starting to get a bit of your lives back. Except it's not your life, it's a totally new one where neither of you is 100% about where you stand with each other anymore.

The two of you are talking about this so you're already sorted really. Keep making an effort to spend time together and make yourselves take an interest in each others interests. It's only a problem when you stop talking or start shouting.

If you have babysitters, try and organise a night out once a month. Nothing major, just the cinema will do.

We tried to make sure that we had dinner at the table after DS had gone to sleep and talk to each other. Not a TV dinner.

Sex was pretty non existant for a while there too, maybe once a fortnight or so. It gets better but just turning off the laptops, phones and TVs a couple of night a week to just eat dinner in peace makes a difference.

What did you talk about before you had her?

This is a tough phase and I think you have to hunker down your relationship and not panic. Great if you are doing a date night, I'll be honest, on the rare occasions in the first year we went out by ourselves we were too exhausted to really enjoy it and one time my husband actually fell asleep at the restaurant table, so I think having low expectations and an hour out here and there may be a good strategy rather than planning amazing nights you may be too tired to enjoy. It all gets better when they sleep through the night, and now we enjoy a mix of the odd night out, lots of films and cuddles after the children go to bed and so on. Don't put too much pressure on yourselves, though, if you connected before you will do so again.

Get away from the baby!
Is baby ok to be left with grandparents? If so, get away and reconnect. One night won't do it, you'll just be starting to unwind and bang, time to go home.

DW and I find the best thing for our relationship to be time away from the kids. Have 3 or 4 nights away somewhere and after the first day ban child talk and just be together.

Seriously, it works. We have 4 or 5 such breaks a year and we don't actually take our (very young) kids on our main holiday either.

We firmly believe it makes our relationship stronger and thus creates a happier home for the DC's.

15 nights of mini breaks plus a full week (or more) away from young dcs is neither achievable nor desirable for majority of parents. What holidays do the dcs get?

Sorry haven't read whole thread just skimmed.
Are you breastfeeding? Lots of women find their sex drive doesn't return until after bf is over.

Some women (not all I know) find sex even better after child birth so it would having a go to see if that's you:-)

This is a definetly a matter of time.
There is no getting away from the fact that having a baby is like throwing a grenade into a relationship.

My youngest has been at school for a year now and DH and I are just getting back on track.

I agree with Igggi you need to both be prepared that this going to call for a lot of patience and commitment with each other there really is no quick fix .

It's very early days! After DD1 was born I couldn't bear the thought of sex for about 4 months. But cuddling I could cope with and one day one thing lead to another .... Your wee girl will start to sleep for longer during the night, and then you will start to feel more human. Keep talking to your DH, keep touching even if it's just a wee cuddle in the kitchen or a goodnight kiss, and believe that it gets easier! I've 3 DD now and the first was the hardest, not hardest h&s y just hardest to adjust to. By your third you'll be DTD again after 4 weeks ;-)

Just to echo, what your feeling is normal!

Ah a hardest baby not h&s y?? To clarify, even by 4 months I didn't actual DTD but it wasn't a no go area anymore.