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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL advice please

32 replies

Arya14 · 25/06/2014 07:27

It's same old situation too be honest - bought a house 11months ago, planning a wedding for early next year... MIL phones on a daily basis and expects OH to phone every day. If he doesn't she has a go. Expects to know every detail of our lives and then calls in unannounced as she knows when we're in etc. Interferes with the wedding planning. Nothing alone seems that bad but add it all up and it's wearing. OH is torn. AIBU to ask for contact to gradually be limited to phone call every other day and a visit say, once per week on average? Really hate saying it but worried that when we have kids especially it might come between us.

OP posts:
AlwaysDancing1234 · 25/06/2014 07:33

It's a familiar story! I think calls and visits daily is a bit too much, sounds like she's finding it hard to cut apron strings. Try and see it from her point of view in that you are taking her beloved son away from her! I would try and cut down the visits gradually first off but it has to come from your OH not you otherwise you will be the mean DIL and there will be resentment. Re the wedding can you give her a relatively small job like table decorations or wedding favours? I got MIL to do our wedding favours, she went a bit OTT but it gave her something to focus on and feel useful and kept her from interfering as much in other things.

timetoclean · 25/06/2014 07:42

Yes, allocate a wedding job, has to be something you don't really care about but will take her a lot of time. Make sure you have a phone you can screen her calls. Just be firm 'DH will give you a call on Thursday'.

or move away!

GnomeDePlume · 25/06/2014 07:44

IMO the first thing is to find out what your OH really thinks and wants. Is he wanting to reduce the level of contact. If so then he has to work on it.

If he just wants to ignore the problem and hope that you and his mother will work it out between you then you have your answer. It wont get better.

This is important. If he cant cut the ties with his mother when he has a beautiful partner, a new home and a wedding coming up then when will he?

Hiphopopotamus · 25/06/2014 07:45

For the wedding, maybe put her on cups and ice. Impossible to go over the top with that...

Writerwannabe83 · 25/06/2014 07:49

My MIL was a bit over bearing at times and would roll my eyes a little. There wouldn't be a lot of phone calls but she would turn up announced. A few things she said upset me. I was worried it would get worse when we had PFB and it did. I asked my DH to have a word about how PIL need to make sure it's ok to come round rather than just turn up unexpectedly and it didn't go down too well.

Then she unexpectedly died last week and I would give absolutely anything to have her back.

I wish I'd just gritted my teeth and let it wash over me. But hindsight is a wonderful thing.

Good luck with your wedding - the suggestion to give her a job is a very good one as it means you are involving her and then hopefully her focus will be on that as opposed to getting too overbearing with the rest of the planning.

StephenManganiseverywhere · 25/06/2014 08:13

For the wedding, maybe put her on cups and ice. Impossible to go over the top with that...

Grin hiphop

Friends finished over 10 years ago. Time to move on!!

JenniferJo · 25/06/2014 08:17

You can't dictate to him how often he speaks to his mother, that's up to him. In that YABVU. Not up to you to control his contact with anyone.

As far as the wedding goes YANBU.

If the calling in annoys you both he needs to speak to his mother about it. If he doesn't mind then you'll have to try to reach a compromise.

naturalbaby · 25/06/2014 08:19

What does your OH say about speaking to his mother every day? It's up to him how he deals with his relationship with her.

Has she always tried to be involved in everything or is it just the wedding?

She can ask a million questions, you don't have to give her all the info she wants. I have specifically asked DH not to let MIL know certain details about our lives, but I tell my mum pretty much everything so it's not really fair to expect he limits what he talks to his mother about.

GnomeDePlume · 25/06/2014 08:33

You can't dictate to him how often he speaks to his mother, that's up to him. In that YABVU. Not up to you to control his contact with anyone.

If the calling in annoys you both he needs to speak to his mother about it. If he doesn't mind then you'll have to try to reach a compromise.

Or recognise that it is something OP doesnt want to have to put up with.

BlackeyedSusan · 25/06/2014 08:41

calls daily are fine, if she does not have a strop that you are not available, and does not use them as a spying mission to come and visit more than is comfortable.

unfortuately it seems that it is far too intrusive.

Original poster
Arya14 · 25/06/2014 08:43

I understand I can't dictate how often he chats to her, however in this instance if a call is missed, she has a go, so it's become a necessity not a desire to chat. By feeding it I feel we are giving fuel to the fire as mil thinks it's all acceptable behaviour. OH agrees it's too much contact, but hates to cause conflict and does it to keep the peace even though it irritates him too... It's not like I want to control it with a wall chart, and understandably sometimes you need to talk, but on the whole I feel a call every 2-3 days with my mum is sufficient and we try to sit down and eat with all in laws each week...

OP posts:
Booooooooooooooooooooo · 25/06/2014 08:50

You're going to have to be very careful how you approach this. I'm reading it as a quota of contact being defined and if your OH and MIL are used to a much more frequent/informal arrangement then you are going to be seen as the problem - rightly or wrongly.

Personally, I wouldn't have any actual conversation around it. I'd taper the contact down as naturally as possible so maybe a text from your OH saying "saw I've missed your call, tied up at the moment but text me back if it's urgent" and so on.

I urge caution as hopefully you and MIL will be in each other's lives for a very long time so handling this badly now might set you down a difficult path.

StephenManganiseverywhere · 25/06/2014 08:58

Or recognise that it is something OP doesnt want to have to put up with.

She doesn't want to 'put up with' him talking to his mother when he wants to??? If he recognises that, then he will recognise that there is indeed a possessive, clingy woman in this scenario and it's not his mother.

Not saying that's what you are OP, just saying that this is what ANYONE would be who objected to partners speaking to other family members when the fancy took! (within reason of course....23 hours a day would be WRONG!!)

sanfairyanne · 25/06/2014 08:59

you sound as controlling as his mum

daily phone calls, even nagging the person if they dont call, is no big deal if both parties (which is not you) are happy enough. it sounds like your partner likes a quiet life - he agrees with you to keep you happy - he agrees with his mum to keep her happy

how about something like a daytime phone call? lunchtime? so you dont even know about it

StephenManganiseverywhere · 25/06/2014 09:01

btw, is it just me, or am I the only DM/DMiL whose adult children make contact rather more than I would feel inclined to? (Bless!) What would happen if I asked for advice on how to get them to interfere less...or is that just the preserve of the children rather than the parents?

OnlyLovers · 25/06/2014 09:07

I wouldn't let her in if she turned up unannounced. And I wouldn't tell her detail of my life that I didn't want to.

The rest –phone calls etc – is your DP's business really.

Original poster
Arya14 · 25/06/2014 09:08

I understand why you'd think this, but the calls weren't a problem until they became a way of determining what we were doing in order to orchestrate "popping" in for a cuppa that could last 2hrs! I love being close to family, and enjoy seeing everyone each week, but I don't enjoy being guilted into visiting frequently or having unannounced visits. All arranged on phone as in calls to OH as he's not as good as saying no and finds out times of our comings and goings then knows exactly what time to call in. Then if we say "NO" bit busy for next few days etc has a strop. Must add all negatives come from OH and I get on very well with MIL, I don't want to ruin it. As they say familiarity breeds contempt. There's also the underlying competition going on, tit for tat.. If we see my parents then we have to see mil soon after... Even if we already spent an evening with her the day before...

OP posts:
GnomeDePlume · 25/06/2014 09:10

Not wanting to have to put up with something can mean reassessing the relationship. We cant all live with the same things.

StephenManganiseverywhere · 25/06/2014 09:18

Not wanting to have to put up with something can mean reassessing the relationship. We cant all live with the same things

Agreed. But surely that cuts both ways. IF he is happy to talk to his mum regularly and OP doesn't like it, then surely it is as much down to her to put up with it as it is for him to decrease the regularity.

chocoluvva · 25/06/2014 09:18

When she calls by unexpectedly you have the right to carry on doing whatever it is you're doing - though depending on what you're doing that won't always be possible.

Why do you think she has this much contact?

GnomeDePlume · 25/06/2014 09:36

I agree that it cuts both ways but they arent yet married. I am not in any way saying LTB as he is not showing himself to be a B! IMO the danger lies in the OH burying his head in the sand for a quiet life. At some point it will come to the crunch probably after children have arrived. By that point it will be much harder to for anyone to change.

I have seen a few times how spending large amounts of time with demanding parents can distort a relationship with quiet resentments growing but held back behind gritted teeth.

StephenManganiseverywhere · 25/06/2014 09:40

I have seen a few times how spending large amounts of time with demanding parents can distort a relationship with quiet resentments growing but held back behind gritted teeth

Me too! But as I said, this can also cut both ways. What happens when the DC won't bleeding well back off and leave their parents to enjoy their late summer/autumn years in peace. If you're reading this, little Mangans, I do not of course mean you, oh dear me no! Of course I bloody well do

EmptyNestAgain · 25/06/2014 09:46

No, Stephen it's not just you. Grin
I have the same problem both ways. It does get worse, if you leave it. My DMIL is, at present, sulking and not talking to me because I forgot to phone her back when she called me on the emergency - only number for a chat. I suppose I should be the better person, but she really annoys me at times.

MuddlingMackem · 25/06/2014 10:20

It would drive me nuts OP, so I think you're NBU.

If you can restrict her daily calls to chat to DH's mobile - so he is the one who has to deal with her - and tell her she needs to ring you on the landline before popping round to check it's convenient then you might be able to start winding things down a bit.

You may have to adopt the broken record approach of 'You should have called first, it's not convenient.' if she does call round unannounced, but a few wasted trips should sort that out. Grin

I would suspect that if she's that insistent it might be a rather more gradual process than you would like, but I would agree with others that you need it down to a level you're happy with before there are children on the scene.

SarcyMare · 25/06/2014 10:25

"I understand why you'd think this, but the calls weren't a problem until they became a way of determining what we were doing in order to orchestrate "popping" in for a cuppa that could last 2hrs! I love being close to family, and enjoy seeing everyone each week, but I don't enjoy being guilted into visiting frequently or having unannounced visits. All arranged on phone as in calls to OH as he's not as good as saying no and finds out times of our comings and goings then knows exactly what time to call in. Then if we say "NO" bit busy for next few days etc has a strop. Must add all negatives come from OH and I get on very well with MIL, I don't want to ruin it. As they say familiarity breeds contempt. There's also the underlying competition going on, tit for tat.. If we see my parents then we have to see mil soon after... Even if we already spent an evening with her the day before..."

if her visit is to long just get on with what you wanted to do anyway get ready to go out, do the dishes wash up, if she wants it to be informal, make it so.
when she turns up say "oh you making a cuppa lovely milk no sugar please"