MIL advice please

[Arya14]

It's same old situation too be honest - bought a house 11months ago, planning a wedding for early next year... MIL phones on a daily basis and expects OH to phone every day. If he doesn't she has a go. Expects to know every detail of our lives and then calls in unannounced as she knows when we're in etc. Interferes with the wedding planning. Nothing alone seems that bad but add it all up and it's wearing. OH is torn. AIBU to ask for contact to gradually be limited to phone call every other day and a visit say, once per week on average? Really hate saying it but worried that when we have kids especially it might come between us.

I would suspect that if she's that insistent it might be a rather more gradual process than you would like, but I would agree with others that you need it down to a level you're happy with before there are children on the scene.

I would second this from the parents' pov too...otherwise you'll find you're lumbered with endless babysitting before you can say knife!

The OP is not 'taking her MiL's son away' they are choosing to get married which is a normal thing to do.

I adore my 2 sons and hope that we will always be close but I don't want to be the significant other in their lives.

OP your dh needs to (gently but firmly) carve out an independent and private life for the two of you starting now

I dont get the idea of just getting on with things. Having DM or DMiL helping themselves to a cup of tea in my kitchen would have probably thrown me over the edge!

"Then if we say "NO" bit busy for next few days etc has a strop." Let her have a strop. It's her problem, don't make it yours.

Who's telling her when/how often you see your family? Is it your MIL or your DH who's insisting you spend equal time with each side of the family? Does your DH ever spend any time on his own with his mother? I found that took a bit of pressure off.

"I dont get the idea of just getting on with things. Having DM or DMiL helping themselves to a cup of tea in my kitchen would have probably thrown me over the edge!"

are you serious? so if your mum visits she is treated as a full on guest?

SarcyMare - yes. I dont help myself in her kitchen, she doesnt help herself in mine. It would feel very intrusive to go rootling in each other's cupboards.

I dont know if it is a generational thing. I am in my late 40s, DM in her mid 70s.

I can see where you are coming from OP - daily phone calls can be irritating if your DH is spending lots of time in the evenings after work talking to her when you want to be spending time with him. If he does it at times that don't impact on you then it would be better.

You probably need to ask him to be a bit more vague about the details of your life, and teach him to say stuff like 'not sure what's in the diary this week mum - I'll get back to you'.

You also need to grow a thicker skin and not let the strops bother you - it is not reasonable for her to get stroppy because you're not dancing to her tune. That is her problem, not yours. It sounds to me like you are very willing to spend a decent amount of time with her.

I think sometimes mothers are so used to being in charge of their children, they find it hard to realise that when they grow up their priorities change and they are not necessarily the centre of their child's universe anymore!

Be prepared for when DC come along as the intensity is likely to get cranked up a notch. Best to start setting reasonable boundaries beforehand!