to be upset by this comment from my best friend?

[jojomo]

At a dinner last weekend with some friends and family including my brother and sil (who is also my best friend) we were discussing a friend who had recently had to re-home a much loved dog. I said, 'imagine having to give up one of your kids' and sil said, 'well, of course you'd give up ds2'. I let it pass at the time as I didn't want to spoil the night but am quite hurt actually to know that's how she feels about my son...my ds2 is hard work (he's tantrummy and 3 basically) but of course I love him. I don't have a preference between my children but clearly she does and now I know it! The question is do I just let this go for the sake of family harmony or do I say something to her as I can't seem to get it out of my head? She's phoning tonight...!

Seriously, you are massively over reacting, in fact almost as if subconsciously you are admiting to yourself that your DS is more than just 'hard work'. People make jokes like this all the time, don't say anything, it will make you look like an absolute dick.

I sound like hard work because I've been upset by one comment in 20 years?

If you are upset by what I see as a trivial, harmless remark from your friend/sil, then I'm surprised that other stuff hasn't got to you too.

I think you are taking it too much to heart - I expect you either tell her ds 2 is challenging or she can see for herself.

Everyone knows my ds1 is a tantrummy, opinionated difficult ratbag and 2 is sunny, easy and tells me all the time how much he loves me. If any of us were joking I'm sure we'd say similar although we love them equally. I have definately said "is it to late to swap ds1 for a Guinea pig?"

I agree with Beeyump

Clearly she doesn't tread on eggshells round me!

If you've been friends for over 20 years and she has never even once in all that time said anything to upset you, I suspect she has been treading on eggshells.

A friendship of that length with nary even a cross thought passing between you I think is rather unusual.

If that is indeed the case, even less reason for you to take the hump at her about something trivial that was likely said in jest.

But that's the point...this one didn't feel trivial to me! Hence being upset! But anyway, thanks for the comments everyone.

You might also want to be careful that 'he who must not be joked about', doesn't pick up on your offence.

That could well lead to him taking himself far too seriously, and quite frankly that's not going to get him an easy time at school.

It really was a joke. I would have offered her a swap with one of hers.

I wonder if its hit a raw nerve with you as your DS2's behaviour is difficult at the moment. I have two DS and they have their moments when their behaviour drives me up the wall. I love my children to bits and wouldn't change them for the world but there are times when I don't find them particularly likeable. Usually, its when we are all tired and I am sick of some low level niggling and competing that's been rumbling on between them for the last 30 mins.

We have honestly never argued with each other. We were flatmates for years, friends from school, she married my brother!! It probably was a flippant remark but it touched a nerve. Someone said 'ill-judged' and that's probably right. My husband says she often does this but I've never seen it before! Anyway, let's move on!

The only thing I would worry about is if he had been there to hear her.

I was apparently an angel til I was three, then a nightmare after that, and my parents used to joke that the fairies had come in the night and left a changeling (me) in place of their good baby. Obviously they were only joking and never thought I'd take it seriously, and of course most of the time I knew that... but it still bothered me a bit.

Sounds like a joke to me? In the same way I have joked I would give up DP before the cats

My friend and I spent the morning discussing how we could make the perfect child if we combined aspects of our two - one sleeps well, one doesn't, one eats well, one doesn't etc. If she's been your friend for 20 years and in all that time she hasn't upset you before, then is it really not possible that it was an affectionate joke intended to acknowledge that you are just having one of those 'phases' with your youngest? The chances that she has suddenly become a horrible person as opposed to an off-the-cuff comment seem fairly slim.

I think you're more concerned that you have portrayed your son in a bad light when talking to her and feel guilty that you could have even given a passing impression that you have favourites. It's not unreasonable, and perfectly understandable in a kind of 'I can say what I like about my family, but nobody else can' way that we all feel about our nearest and dearest. I would brush it off - you will naturally be more alert to the things she says along these lines anyway, so if there is any indication that she genuinely prefers your oldest then you will spot it, but I would bet that it never comes up again and this whole episode fades from your mind (especially as the threenager phase draws to a close, or when your older son starts doing something even more objectionable!).

I think it was a joke too.

I went shopping with a friend recently, parked up and dd asked to stay in the car - she's 4. I joked "no, someone might pinch you" and friend said "they would soon bring her back!" I found it funny and a similar vein to what your sil said.

I think the fact that you are so close is a reason she made the joke.

The reason, not a reason

Joke?

It's the reason god made 2/3/4 year olds so cute because if they weren't I'm sure lots of us would feel tempted to give them away.

op, I have a suggestion for you as to phrasing, if you really feel you need to say something.

'Hey, I realised that I must complain about DS2 a lot yesterday when you said I'd like to give him away. I never realised I complained about him so much - I think I need to work on that. It was an eye-opener!'

Because I think that's what this is really about. You sound a bit upset at the idea that she's got such an impression of your DS2. I'd have said that she was trying to be a good friend to you and take your side against the pesky children, if anything (and I have two little ones of my own so I can relate). If you make the hypothetical conversation all about your reaction to her statement rather than the statement itself then I think this will be a lot smoother.

Alternatively, you could let it pass and keep an eye out for any other DS2-bashing statements. If she's never upset you in the past 20 years then I doubt she meant to this time!

Yes, yabu. I doubt she will even remember saying it. It was a joke.

Thanks everyone, plumppartridge and dojo particularly - you're probably right, it's more about me realising how I have made him sound and the 'I can moan about my kids but no-one else can' combined with her tendency to sometimes speak without thinking and sort of crossing a line there somewhere for me.
I have to go and pick them both up now so thanks again.

It hits a nerve, doesn't it! I can bitch about my kids until the cows come home but I bristle internally when my younger sister gives them a brief glare even though they probably deserve it

Glad to have helped