AIBU to have said I am not contributing to this bit of the party?

[NotPayingOut]

Its a friends birthday coming up, we don't see so much of her since she has moved so we are throwing her a small party as she is visiting.

As usual, the costs seem to be going well over what I thought it would be and I keep seeing the discussions after they have been had and agreed by some of the others.

I have agreed what I am contributing for the cake and couple of other bits, I have agreed what things I am bringing. Some others are making something (that was the understanding it was their present), now they are saying that if that is their present, friend won't get much else so are we all contributing to this then getting our own presents as well, plus what else are we contributing for the other bits that need getting (decorations etc). Someone has suggested we add up what everyone has spent then split the cost between us all. I have already said that I am eating first so will not be eating there, therefore I am not paying towards the food (the only food I will be eating is the stuff I am taking).

People are spending whatever they like, then expecting its all going to be added up then split between us. I can't do this. We are skint at the moment. We are applying for a mortgage and saving everything we can, we have been having problems getting the mortgage so have had to clear both credit cards before we apply, its DPs birthday so I have bought his presents, DD has 3 parties this week, DD also has a school trip I need to pay for this week. Friends party is before I get paid so I literally have what is in my purse (about £9) and a tenner in the bank to get her present. I still need to get DPs card.

I can pay all my essential bits (DPs birthday and kids stuff) but I do not need the added costs of what my friends are planning. I have already said what I was paying and I thought that was that but now they are changing it again. I messaged (after I had read all the messages between them) reiterating what I was contributing costs wise, what I was bringing and that if we were getting separate presents as well then I won't be contributing to the made present as I couldn't afford it.

Unfortunately, they know I have savings, I received a sum of money last year but now the mortgage rules have changed, we are having to use every penny to get a house (and we have had to adjust what we can buy because of this). I can't dip into it and we have to add to it for a little while longer in order to afford to buy. This is a massive priority for us at the moment but I don't think it is seen like that, I think they think I have loads of money but I am just being tight which is not the case.

AIBU to have said what I did and not want to contribute further (because I don't actually have any more this week)?

yanbu

whether or not you have savings is neither here nor there. even if you happened to be a millionaire it wouldn't change things. you are entitled to spend as much or as little as you choose!

i would spell it out to ALL of them quite clearly that while you love your friend and you are happy to contribute to the party you do have a limit and you have no intention of going over it.
you might also point out that your friend will surely love seeing you all most of all, rather than needing a crapload of money spent on her!

YANBU- and your mates are. What if someone goes nuts buying champers and caviar?? Are you all just supposed to cough up? You did the right thing saying what you were happy to contribute and that should be the end of it. If someone else can afford to/wants to spend more then surely that's up to them!
Also, If they are any sort of friend I bet the birthday girl would be mortified at you losing sleep over her birthday arrangements. I would be.

You need to make it very clear, right now, exactly what you are contributing and that you wont be doing more. This will save any misunderstandings and tension later on.

Yanbu

YANBU. You have stuck to the deal and they haven't.

I did make it very clear.

They have come back and given an amount that we all 'owe'. It is more than I said I would pay and more than I have in my purse this week plus I have the things I said in the OP that I need the change for.

But its ok apparently because the cost of the food isn't included in this new amount so I am not paying for that as we all bringing stuff. They clearly did not listen and now I am just feeling resentful.

Just repeat that you have told them what you can afford and how do they want you to pay it?
I feel for you - even when I am happy to give / use an amount on things it still annoys me to have other people spend my money!

If you have the courage, could you say no, I was very clear what I am able to pay and is is unfair of you to decide for me that I have to pay more. I cannot and I did not agree to it.

I am not being funny by saying about courage, I am just recognising that what is easy to type out on the internet is not always easy to say to someone in rl

That's what is annoying me Lariflete.

I have told them what I am willing to pay, I have told them I don't have much money this week but they are still going ahead and spending my money then informing me what I owe.

Its ok for them because they all work and can work. I can't and rely on benefits. DP works but his wages wouldn't cover everything so its not like he gives me money, and I wouldn't expect him to, I have my own money, sometimes its just less when things like birthdays and trips come up.

Hecate I get that. I am rubbish at 'confrontation' and can't say anything that may not be taken well (which I don't think this would be, they may not say anything to me but there would be some grumblings I think). One may say something about that fact that I have savings. She has mentioned it before when I said I was skint "no you aren't skint, you are saving". Which I can see her point but I set aside money for saving and money for spending, if my spending money runs out then I can't constantly dip into savings otherwise there would be no point in saving it in the first place.

I have asked them what this extra is for. If they get back to me, then I will say what you said. I think it gets the point across without sounding arsey (which can be my problem if I am trying to clumsily clarify something I would rather not say).

Its always bloody me in this position though. Never anyone else and it seems like I am the only one who has a problem with money. I am sure they must be getting fed up of it.

It's totally fine for you not to pay money towards something you have never agreed to, and in fact have made it clear you will not be contributing towards. YANBU.

(Also, who puts up decorations for a grownup party?)

What the extra is for is irrelevant, BTW. If you hadn't agreed upfront to pay for it, then it isn't your cost, whatever it is for.

Don't pay the extra. You didn't agree to it, so don't pay it. Repeat 'I did not agree to spend more than £x' until it sinks in. End of.

And this is why people should throw their own parties.

YANBU, sounds like some people are getting carried away.

They ABU to be spending your money for you, but to be fair, I would judge you a bit too...

You are reliant on benefits, yet have savings and are buying a property? Benefits are (or should be) there to enable you to manage, not to save up to buy property!

That is a luxury that most working people cannot afford, so I would judge you for saving up what are effectively other peoples taxes to enable you to buy something that is out of the reach of most of the people funding your benefits.

I'm not suggesting that you are breaking any rules, but as a taxpayer, I raise my eyebrows at the morality of what you are doing.

Perhaps your friends are doing the same, especially if they are all working?

Don't go, pull out.
You will feel resentful. Just get your own thing and do your own thing.

We were saving what small amounts we could then we got some money another way (not illegal and it doesn't affect my benefits).

It actually pisses me off that I may be judged for that. My benefits are my income. I cannot work at all and I have children so we get what comes with that. DP has a full time job but the wages aren't that high so we are topped up. We are not totally reliant on benefits, my income is benefits they top us up so we can afford to live. Yes we may have been scraping by to save but that was our choice, it wasn't forever.

I can assure you that as a taxpayer, my DP is fine with it. Should I tell the government that I don't wish to claim anything because there are people that may judge me for it because we can save some of it? It isn't guaranteed forever, I live in fear of having them taken away, knowing full well I still wouldn't be able to work. We are trying to better our lives whilst we have the chance.

Thanks for completely de-railing the thread.

YANBU and YY to all the previous posts.

Jeez-is this party for the queen or something? I'd be mortified if my friends were arranging this (&peer pressure) for any party for me (not that anyone's ever thrown me a party boo hoo)

Perhaps there are others who will be relieved if you speak/email up?

Good luck- you have the strength of mumsnet behind you.

YANBU.

They sound like they are just not listening. It's their problem.

Also, if I was the friend whose birthday it was, I would be so overwhelmed and touched at the effort involved in a party and cake that I wouldn't for a second expect present on top - I bet you your friend doesn't either so don't feel guilt tripped.

I call it how I see it, OP.

If you are happy with your choices, good for you.

I am pointing out that other people might see it differently.

Re your update please don't feel you have to defend your financial position. Frankly anyone who thinks they know how you should be spending your income is a bitch. Sorry but true friends wouldn't care- and that goes for whether you are a millionaire or low income family with only one parent able to work(like my family).

You are a grown up with your own family and choices. If anyone can't give you the credit to work out your own spendings then they are no friend. Neither is someone who judges you based on what you contribute to someone's party.

Stand by your convictions and see who you real friends are. The ones who are decent people will not pressure or judge.

Oh dear steeley our posts crossed- I wasn't calling you a bitch eek!

Steeleye sorry- plus I meant people who are already OP's friends, are they fairweather friends?

I am being massively pressured. Getting messages, all said very nicely but they are really putting it on me.

Basically they have decided between them and are now pressuring me into agreeing, including borrowing off them, one of which doesn't exactly have a lot of money herself!

Well I'm ' other people' and can assure you I'm not judging you at all ,
I'm guessing you get tax credits and child benefit ,
That is your money to do with what you please !
Fgs sake you should be applauded for being able to save money ,not put down as some sort of benefit scrounge who is spending tax payers money !
Sorry ,I realise that's not what the thread is about but it made me angry to see you being pulled up on being able to save !
To your original question ,yanbu to stick to what you said you were willing to spend .
Good luck with your saving/ mortgage /house search .