To think that if I work compressed hours my day off should be mine to do what I please

[Olga79]

I'm currently working a full time week over 4 days, I love having this extra day off but more often than not the OH will arrange something so that I end up having errands to run on this day. It seems really unreasonable to refuse to do things (it's normally stuff that can only be done on a week day) but on the other hand I'm really starting to resent working extra hours every day to just do even more on my day off.

AIBU to say I'm not doing it anymore?

I would say you would be shooting yourself in the foot. Sometimes it does feel as though DH's get away without pulling their weight in the household. And then the washing machine breaks or some such and they have to go way out to get it sorted. If my DH had time and I didn't I would be really hurt if he didn't want to help me.

However, I wouldn't want a pile of surprise jobs left for me on a Thursday night for my Friday day off. I would expect what I was doing to be appreciated.

how often does he work?

My best friend is in the same situation. Her own mum keeps calling her 'part timer'!!

It depends what your dh does imo and what childcare and chores you both have to do?

Does your OH pick up the slack while you're doing your long days - bathtime, bedtime, shopping, cleaning - that you'd be doing along with him if you worked normal hours?

If so, YABU - but sounds like you both need a chat about things.

If not - and especially if somehow magically you end up doing 95% of everything - then tell him where to go!

Well presumably you work longer hours than DH on your "compressed" days, so he ends up picking up the slack there?

The trouble is that the jobs have to be done sometime. If you refused to do them, they would either eat into family time on another occassion or involve lots of juggling (probably).

I'd compromise and offer to do some jobs but restirct them to x hours a day or whatever.

Difficult one....

I have this as I am always 'at home' - home just happens to be our farm, where I also work (very hard and long hours).

DW used to ask me if I'll 'pop' to the bank or whatever in the day 'when I get time'. I don't get time - I can 'make time' by not doing something then having to work a bit later or get up even earlier tomorrow in order to get it done, but only if the errand is deathly important - like an ill child or something.

What we do now is I give DW a timeslot in the week when I plan to go into our local town to run errands like go to the bank, solicitors, garage etc and she will give me a list of anything she'd like me to do while I'm there. If I can, I will but if it's not practical I say no.

If it's genuinely stuff that can only be done on a weekday then YABU not to do it. Perhaps you can try saying 'I will do errands every other Friday so save them up, write me a list an on the allotted day I'll do it but on the alternate days I'm not doing anything unless it's an actual emergency.'

He works a normal Mon-Fri week. No children. There are already jobs that always fall to me due to him not driving (epilepsy) e.g. food shopping, but otherwise we share cooking, cleaning, gardening etc.

I think where it's confusing is I don't mind choosing to do some of my household chore type jobs on my day off, so then it's sort of "while you're doing that could you" type requests. But if I'm making the decision I can always say sod it, it's a sunny day and I'm going to sit in the garden and I'll do the food shopping tonight/tomorrow etc.

I do the same hours as you, but that's why I do it- so that I can get life/home/family stuff done on the 5th day. Otherwise our home life would just collapse. I'm happy that my Dh definitely does his share though. For example if I work long days, the onus falls on him to get kids out the door in the am and be home in time for the nanny to clock off.
It's a slog for both of us.

The way to check if it's fair or not is: do you both get the same amount of leisure time? That is, time when you are neither at work, doing domestic chores or looking after DC: time to read a book, see friends, go for a swim or whatever. An awful lot of men still see domestic work and childcare as women's work, and if they do anything they consider themselves as 'helping' and often expect disproportionate amounts of praise and reward for doing something like putting a couple of plates in the dishwasher once a week.

I think you might be a tiny bit unreasonable to say you're not doing it anymore. Just do it when it suits you. If you pre-plan thnings for yourself to do (even if it's going to the cinema or whatever relaxing thing you need to do for yourself) and tell your OH that you just wont have time for X, Y or Z that he might have 'planned' for you.

If it's chores around the house that need doing, then he should be sharing the load and if you are doing these impromptu jobs instead of the rest of the housework (that would normally be done by you over the weekend say), then he gets more of those normal jobs to do.

Your OH may not see it as a "day off" though, if your working hours would normally cover another person working Mon-Fri but you're doing it all in Mon-Thurs. So you'd still have Sat and Sun off. He might even thing he is being considerate (warped idea but a common one amongst some) that he is finding you stuff to do as he doesn't want you to be bored on your day off grasping at straws here

Is there any way you can reverse the situation? Book in things that he needs to do in an evening or morning while you're at work? Or can you agree on a way to even it out, perhaps by your OH doing the majority of the housework on your long days, then you can both benefit from a completely free weekend? Or can you plan a few whole day, days out? "Oh Olga, could you post this, and pick up X, Y, & Z from the shops for me on your day off please?" "oh sorry darling, I can't, I'm out all day." :)

I wouldn't refuse to do it anymore, although I think you're in your rights to do so, it just seems very inflexible. I would have a good talk about it though, and explain how you feel.

If they are things that can genuinely only be done on weekdays then YABU. If you didn't do them on your day off, it would mean juggling around work (so you'd be doing the same amount of work on different days), or taking time off (so wasting holiday time, which is just as bad as wasting your day off).

However, I would expect some give and take. I finish work before DH, so I have time in the afternoon for some jobs before he gets home. I do know though, that if I ask him to do something for me (eg go to the shop or pick up a parcel) on his way because he doesn't have DD with him and could do it quicker, he will do.

So as a pp said, if he is picking up the slack on days when he finishes first (maybe cooking dinner, putting a load of laundry in) then that's fine. If he just sits around and waits for you to come home, then I'd be having words. Maybe saying that if he doesn't get it done then you'll have to do it on your day off, and won't be able to do his errands any more!

It's not chores as much, more can you wait in for a delivery, can you pick this up from the delivery depot, can you pay this cash into bank type jobs.

He couldn't easily do the latter two even if he had the day off himself.

And the reason for this is disability related so it seems really harsh to say, right you have to always cut the lawn as you aren't able to drive to the delivery office to pick up a parcel but how else do you balance things out?

Well if he is asking you to do stuff that can only be done on a weekday, then what choice does he have but to ask you as he's in work?

Just say no on those occasions when it doesn't fit in with your plans.

Ok, so he can't drive due to epilepsy, but there are other means of getting around (taxi, public transport, walking). They're just not as convenient. What would he do if you weren't around to help?

Let's say he asks you to pick up a parcel. You had planned to mow the lawn that day. So you say 'well, I was going to mow the lawn but I can pop to the delivery office if you do the lawn after work on Monday'. Even if you hadn't planned to mow the lawn, you can ask him to do something in return meaning you get back the free time you're giving up for him.

I hate having to wait in for deliveries - not alone there.

As for picking stuff up from a depot or paying cash into the bank, I'd only agree to do that if he hadn't or couldn't make alternative arrangements. By that I mean if you didn't do it, how would it be done? He'd have to arrange for it to be done by someone else, right? That said if it is a personal/private bill that needs paying then you really should factor that in and say that "Every second Tuesday in the month, I'll be able to visit the bank so make sure that you have all the bills etc ready to be paid on that date".

I understand with epilepsy, a person who was driving has to be seizure free for at least 12 months before being allowed to drive again, is that right? Would that stop him organising the shopping online & booking a delivery time slot that he could wait in for?

I get deliveries to my work. If my husband was getting something delivered to the house then I'd expect him to check a convenient time with me before ordering stuff. What would you do if you worked 5 days a week?
I'd tell him to stop organising your days off and if he wants you to do something to ask before considering arranging it. you can post stuff to the bank and delivery depots are usually open early on a morning or on Saturdays. Tell him you resent your day off becoming a chore day when you are working longer to compensate the other days.

If there are tasks that are disproportionately difficult for him because of the disability issue, then I think it's not unfair of him to ask if you can do them. So long as it is asking and you are allowed to say 'No, that doesn't suit' without getting sulked at or anything.

But I think that ought to balance up with him doing his fair share of the total chores in other ways, by doing a larger proportion of the tasks that either of you could do.

My DH has a disability, so there are quite a few household tasks that would be a real struggle for him, things that I can do without serious effort. But he does a high proportion of the tasks which are not limited by his disability, so it all balances up and we are both happy that we are doing what is 'fair', rather than trying to divide tasks into half each as some couples might.

WhatchaMaCalllit if I couldn't get to the depot he'd have to pay over the odds and get it from somewhere else, it's a hidden cost of being a non-car driver.

The bank stuff is generally cash being paid in so can't be done by post, he literally cannot get to a bank within local opening hours (Mon - Fri 10-3). That's fairly easily solved by me paying it into my account (I do then transfer it of course!

He bikes 100 miles a week to get to and from work so the concept of getting himself places is not an alien one to him, it's just the area we live in is not really set up for non-car drivers.

I guess what it comes down to is it's hard to decide what are reasonable allowances and give and take and what is too much. I think it's just over the last 3 weeks I've had a delivery, then a return because it was faulty and then a new delivery to do, as well as various bits that I'd arranged and feel a bit run ragged.

What did you see yourself doing on your day off when you arranged this pattern of working?

The idea originally of working compressed hours was so I could spend some time on my hobby (which also earns a miniscule amount of money) and to do the laundry and some batch cooking so that no cooking was required on 2 of the days I work long hours. Basically arranging it so that weekends were housework free.

Tbh it sounds a pit pitty if it is only deliveries or once a month banking but it depends on what whould he do. I.e. if you ask him to pick up something in the evening because he finishes work before you would he make a fuss?

Imo it is normal give and take between couples or even flatmates or neighbours.

You seem annoyed about him not driving, am i right?

I think YABU. He can't drive, dusky you should be happy to help him out, given that it's due to a disability and not laziness?

Also, working compressed hours, with no DC, so you can do a hobby and you refuse to help your husband on this day is a bit selfish.

I think I would feel a bit like you OP. I am a Mum of 4 & work full time - if I have a day off/quiet day it is always expected that I will fetch and do. Himself has been known to drive me somewhere specifically for him to stay in the car while I run round and do his jobs for him (bank paying in, pick up Costa, fetch dry cleaning, return ridiculous purchase he made on whim)..I am very senior to him at work (stealth boast) and the role reversal has me gritting my teeth sometimes...I have never been known to assign crappy data analysis jobs to his team in petty revenge, oh no

How about having an 'errands day' once a month, when you do stuff for you both?

Presumably dh could do some batch cooking/laundry in the evening that day?

Anything that needed to be done outside of 'errands day' could be done at the usual time/in the way it was done before you changed your working days?