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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not tell SIL her DM is not very good with babies

39 replies

CareerGirl01 · 22/06/2014 21:23

I have two DDs - and am very lucky to live near my mum; when I got pregnant the first time we made a decision to move to be near my family.
My SIL has just had a baby and us trying to encourage her mum and dad to sell up and move near her - to help with the baby. She 'likes my set up' apparently. Thing is my MIL is feeling very pressured - both she and FIL are in their late 70s and SIL is hoping she can go back to work and have her parents around for full time care of the baby. My poor ILs are not really up to looking after children, my MIL (bless her) can't even push a pram properly - I left her with DD2 for 10 minutes and came back to find her trying to push the pram with one hand and hold her handbag with the other (the pram was almost rolling away!). Do I manage SIL's expectations? My MIL calls me to say she's feeling really pressured - they want to move to the coast to downsize - not near London?

OP posts:
EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 22/06/2014 21:25

Keep out of it! Blimey. And your poor mil - she has trouble with a pram once and you are writing her off as not good with babies? Harsh.
This isn't your business but if MIL asks you you can give your view - that PILs should move where they want to live, not where SIL wants them to live.

WorraLiberty · 22/06/2014 21:26

I'd keep out of it if I were you, so YANBU to not tell her that.

Let her parents deal with it and tell her they can't manage and they want to downsize and move to the coast.

I don't really think it's your place to interfere, even though you have the best of intentions.

yummymumtobe · 22/06/2014 21:28

Your MIL needs to talk to her son I think. But also, why can't she just speak up for herself? My IL make it very clear that they are happy to babysit for one offs but never a regular set up! I am sure it will work itself out. You can't make people move where they don't want to.

MimiSunshine · 22/06/2014 21:29

I don't think it's your place to speak on behalf of your PIL to your sister. In law. Maybe your husband should speak to his sister but other than that I would just let your PIL know that they gave your support and shouldn't do anything they don't want to.

If they can't outright tell their own daughter they don't want to do it, you'll end up in the middle with them being none committal and you looking like your telling them what to do (in her eyes).

MaryWestmacott · 22/06/2014 21:30

If MIL is saying ot you that she feels pressurised, can you directly ask her does she want DH (not you!) to have a word with SIL to say back off? Is she really hoping you'll say "it's ok if you don't want to do it, noone will look down on you for it." - it could be she's saying to you about feeling pressurised because she's worried as your mum looks after your DC you'll judge her as being a bit crap for not wanting to do the same for her DD, and just needs reassurance that you think it's ok.

MrsWinnibago · 22/06/2014 21:31

Ooh there's a Grandma near me who has her grandchild 5 days a week and she always looks like she's about to have a breakdown Sad

tripecity · 22/06/2014 21:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Janethegirl · 22/06/2014 21:34

When my dc have babies, it will definitely be a one off if I have to care for them. No way will I be prepared to have my life disrupted to care for my dear grandchildren. Ok
I may be being selfish, but absolutely no way!

fluffyraggies · 22/06/2014 21:35

Why cant she tell her own daughter she is feeling pressured? Genuine Q.

Is SIL pushy? I can see why SIL would be wanting to mimic your 'set up', but her DPs do sound a bit frail.

It's not for you to tell her though.

Deverethemuzzler · 22/06/2014 21:37

Really, really not your place to intervene.

Let them sort it out between themselves. Its pretty unlikely your elderly ILs are going to sell up and move just because your SIL wants them to.

You would be nuts to put yourself inbetween all that.

fluffyraggies · 22/06/2014 21:37

My MIL has allot of health problems and over the last 6 years has done 70% of the raising of one of her GC. My DH and his brother are both a bit Hmm about how much their sister puts upon her mum.

I think FIL has stepped in recently.

MaryWestmacott · 22/06/2014 21:44

BTW - I know a lot of older woman have felt pressure to offer to do childcare because so many others do. It's regularly being mentioned in the press about how expensive childcare is and how woman have to go back to work, and regular articles about grandparents doing care - plus if a lot of their friends are taking on caring for DGC, that can create pressure.

That would be felt even more in this family case where her own son's children are being cared for by the other grandmother, creating even more of an expectation that she would do the care for her DD's children.

Faced with that, knowing that a full time childcare place in near London would be upwards of £1k a month, a lot of grandparents might feel they are being very selfish if they don't offer.

Sometimes, you just need to hear from someone else that it's ok to be a bit selfish, to put yourself first, to not sacrifice your retirement plans to help out your adult DCs. However, it's not on that it's you that says it, get your DH to do it.

DoJo · 22/06/2014 21:47

Well, for starters, it would be mean to say anything about how your MIL is with babies - I'm sure most of us have pushed a pram one-handed at some point, so even if this is one incident in a list of many, it's a bit churlish to bring it up as an example of her incompetence.

Mostly, however, the issue is not whether she is good or not with babies but that she doesn't want to do it. She could be Mary Poppins and it still wouldn't be a good idea for her to move near her daughter if that's not what she wants. If you feel you have to say something, then your focus should be on this, not criticising her abilities. Apart from anything, your SIL could counter it with 'she'll get better if she spends more time with them' which misses the point that she doesn't want to.

Original poster
CareerGirl01 · 22/06/2014 21:47

Thanks Mary I think a word with DH might be needed. X

OP posts:
Original poster
CareerGirl01 · 22/06/2014 21:50

My mother is a childminder by the way... Sorry the pram was a bad example - MIL is a bit slow and my DD2 is a very active toddler. I wouldn't expect her to look after DD2 or DD1 for very long. My SIL didn't really think things through - they live in Central London and only just now have realised how expensive childcare is.

OP posts:
PrincessBabyCat · 22/06/2014 21:51

They are both adults they can handle their own problems without anyone interfering. You don't want to take sides. They will eventually work out and move on from this problem, but if you take a side, they will remember that.

hellskitty · 22/06/2014 21:56

What ???you have decided, on teh basis of seeing her push a pram one handed, that she is no good with babies.In spite of the fact that she has manged to raise her children safely to adulthood (which you haven't done yet) You sound like a prize bitch tbh.
And what is all this pushing pram one handed lark? please don't tell me that it is in case you let go with the holding on hand that is just too ridiculous.I have had 5 Dc and never even heard this one before!

MaryWestmacott · 22/06/2014 22:01

often people just want someone else to say it's ok to do what you want (or not do what you don't want to!). But not from you, get DH to say something.

Your DM looking after your DCs will have created an expectation within the family, so that could be why she's looking to you to say it's ok not to do it.

Your SIL wouldn't be the first person to get pregnant and then look at the costs, I did something similar and was genuinely shocked.

Ronmione · 22/06/2014 22:05

My SIL didn't really think things through - they live in Central London and only just now have realised how expensive childcare is.

I'm not sure of its meant to but it sounds a bit 'I told you so'

trufflehunterthebadger · 22/06/2014 22:07

Jesus, how entitled is your SIL ?? I feel very sorry for our parents' generation - their own childre leave home, they retire, hopefully having paid off their mortgage, some independence and then they get lumbered with looking after very small children all the time.

I am gobsmacked that she expects them to move somewhere they don't want to live for her convenience

Missda · 22/06/2014 22:10

I thought you were going to say she ha done something crazy like tied your LO to the roof of the car and drove off or something not pushed a pram with one hand!
For yours (and their) sake keep out if.

yummymumtobe · 22/06/2014 22:11

By the way, if they're in central London then it's unlikely the inlaws will be able to afford that great a place (unless they are really wealthy and downsizing but guess this is not the case as they could just offer to pay the childcare!) so could argue the move makes no financial sense too!

snice · 22/06/2014 22:18

Yeah, bite your tongue or you will end up looking like the bad guy, even though PIL sound pretty useless

They're not useless fgs they're in their late 70s!!! I expect most of us would struggle to look after small children when we're that age

LucilleBluth · 22/06/2014 22:26

How is your MIL 'not very good with babies'.......in your whole OP you sound like a twat.

When you got pregnant you moved to be near your oh-so-wonderful-with-kids-mum. I think I have literally heard it all on here now regarding MILs.

Smugy Von smugness. Give me strength.

Sidthesausage · 22/06/2014 22:27

I think you could drop some hints without saying it out right.

'Poor MIL, she finds it very exhausting having my two for half hour, I don't think she would manage a full day but them she is almost 80'

'Wont it be nice for us all to visit MIL when she's living by the sea side. It's such the perfect place for them to retire and for us to visit'

'Poor MIL struggled to handle the buggy yesterday when I nipped to the loo. It was my fault, she's so frail I shouldn't have left it with her.