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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not tell SIL her DM is not very good with babies

39 replies

CareerGirl01 · 22/06/2014 21:23

I have two DDs - and am very lucky to live near my mum; when I got pregnant the first time we made a decision to move to be near my family.
My SIL has just had a baby and us trying to encourage her mum and dad to sell up and move near her - to help with the baby. She 'likes my set up' apparently. Thing is my MIL is feeling very pressured - both she and FIL are in their late 70s and SIL is hoping she can go back to work and have her parents around for full time care of the baby. My poor ILs are not really up to looking after children, my MIL (bless her) can't even push a pram properly - I left her with DD2 for 10 minutes and came back to find her trying to push the pram with one hand and hold her handbag with the other (the pram was almost rolling away!). Do I manage SIL's expectations? My MIL calls me to say she's feeling really pressured - they want to move to the coast to downsize - not near London?

OP posts:

Thymeout · 22/06/2014 22:28

Yes - doesn't matter how many children she safely reared when she was 40 years younger! It's how strong and agile she is now, pushing 80.

Why are people focusing on the pram issue? It's their ages that is the important point.

I don't think a 'Are you sure they'd be able to cope?' would be out of place when your sil brings it up.

loveableshoulder · 22/06/2014 23:20

Surely the reference to pushing the pram was more about age/potential frailty than being 'no good with babies'? Thread title and OP don't really match - perhaps a better title would have helped.

OP, YANBU. late eighties? Full-time care? Even if she wanted to, this to me would be feel inappropriate and I would worry about the welfare of both grandparents and toddler regarding some aspects of a set-up like that.

iamsoannoyed · 22/06/2014 23:28

I wouldn't say anything- not really your place IMHO.

If your MIL is phoning you with your concerns, can't you advise her to talk to her daughter about the situation and her concerns/reluctance?

Or perhaps your DH (who I assume is SIL brother) could have a chat with his sister about the expectations she has of her elderly parents and (both in terms of childcare and financial outlay) and how realistic/fair those expectations are- although I think your DH should ask is parents if they'd mind before he did it to ensure you have the right end of the stick, so to speak.

iamsoannoyed · 22/06/2014 23:29

sorry, if MIL is phoning you with her concerns, not your concerns. Oops!

drudgetrudy · 22/06/2014 23:38

Your MIL needs to communicate directly with her daughter. Putting you in the middle isn't fair. I would be very careful here and try not to get involved.
If MIL tells you she is worried about it again I would suggest she talks to SIL about it.
Not your business and if you pass messages you will end up looking like the bad guy.

Icimoi · 22/06/2014 23:48

Good grief, it's really mean to expect in laws in their late 70s to move to Central London just to provide SIL with cheap babysitting. Can they even afford it? SIL sounds slightly mad, but MIL needs to be the one to tell her that, possibly supported by your DH.

LemonSquares · 22/06/2014 23:55

Tell your MIL to talk directly to her DD - believe me I've had this with my parents they moan about something to do with a sibling act like they can't say anything to them but if I do - I'm in the wrong with everyone.

Not that I think SIL expecations are reasonable - just not your problem.

BackforGood · 23/06/2014 00:00

Is there a reason you MiL can't speak directly to your SiL?

Clearly it's ridiculous to expect people in their late 70s to be caring for tiny children all day long, and your SiL needs to understand that - even before factoring in the whole selling up and moving to a new area - however, it's probably not your place to tell her.... maybe your dh should? That said, I suppose it depends on your relationship.

Igggi · 23/06/2014 07:00

It's more likely your sil will end up acting in a caring role toward her parents, if they move closer! Which might benefit them actually, but is probably not what sil is intending! Perhaps worth mentioning that idea to her...

DoJo · 23/06/2014 10:40

Why are people focusing on the pram issue? It's their ages that is the important point.

Personally I think the fact that THEY DON'T WANT TO is the important point.

manchestermummy · 23/06/2014 12:23

Definitely DoJo: why should they do this if they don't want to.

If the SIL needs and/or wants to work, then she has to do what lots and lots of other people do and pay for appropriate childcare. Like we've had to do, and will continue to do so.

My SIL is expecting my MIL to be doing a lot of the childcare for her DC when she returns to work. MIL isn't keen at all, and indeed doesn't think mothers should work another thread but SIL has presented her cheap as chips childcare model as a fait accomplis. SIL says jump; MIL asks how high.

However, as is the case with my MIL, your MIL needs to deal with this.

KitKat1985 · 23/06/2014 12:41

I would definitely stay out of it, or at most, tell your MIL that she needs to have a really honest conversation with your SIL about all this, rather than getting you involved.

Happydaysatlast · 23/06/2014 12:49

Thanks op that made me laugh out loud.

If I was the mil I would move and not give any of you my new address.

deakymom · 23/06/2014 13:17

when i was a child i was looked after by my family occasionally i went to a holiday club but mostly i was farmed out to relatives and occasionally friends during holidays we all used to be close and unlike the government we were all in it together

sadly this is not the case people move are older/younger parents/grandparents and it causes problems

your mil is old enough to tell sil no stay out of it

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