Aibu to have really lost it with 12 yo dd

[NoonarAgain]

I have been poorly all week. DH is away on a jolly. 12yo dd1 wAs at a sleepover some distance away. I have just returned from a one hour round picking up dd and stopping off at asda to buy party shopping for dd2.

When we got home, neither my 10 nor 12 yo made any attempt to help me in with the shopping. Then dd1 saw an RSVP note on the door step for her sisters party and starting making her objections known about this person coming.

I just lost it with her. She always seems to think she can influence dd2 eg cherry picking which if her friends can come to tea alongside one of her own classmates.

I ranted. Stomping about. Shouting. Angrily stuffing food in the fridge. Dd was calling down the stairs. I yelled back ' I can't hear you and I'm not sure I care what you're saying tbh'. I then said something to her to which she repeated my ' I can't hear you' line. I said that she was extremely cheeky. She said if it was ok for me to say then it was ok for her, as we are equal. I said that I disagreed. That she would be equal when she made some sort of helpful contribution to the household. I said that if she was so aware if her rights, she needed to also think about responsibilities.

I now feel dreadful and know I haven't handled it well.

Does any of my anger seem justified? She has very strong views and is rarely happy to go with the flow and is very adolescent complete with Kevin the teenager eye rolling. I think I've just had enough and reacted to her being back and tricky, after an easy going 24 hours with dd1 :(

Was I totally out if order?

The drive was 1 hour but with shopping, more like 2.5 hrs

No, you had an argument with your dd. Try not to overthink it.

You started off by saying that you have been poorly all week. I would expect she is probably very tired - dc don't get much sleep at sleepovers. Put the argument down to both of you being out of sorts, for now. You both were unreasonable.

Talk about it when you both have calmed down and feel better. You should be able to have a calm and rational conversation at that point.

I don't think you're at all unreasonable. She was being very cheeky.

Not ideal, but you're tired, unwell and she pushed a well-worn and frazzled button.

But I really yelled. I didn't say anything particularly vile but I've given myself a head ache. I was properly angry. Hardly ever get like that but it was like lighting a touch paper.

No I don't think it was particularly justified but it was certainly understandable.

Also, you need to learn to hand them the shopping bags if they're not going to offer to take them.

Have a cuppa and just put it down to one of those moments

X post.

Thanks cycle. That sums it up really.

Derek, should've ignored it but it makes me mad that she thinks it's up to her who comes!

Tbh with you I have conversations like this with dd10 who thinks somehow the world revolves around her and that she is equal to adults so therefore she can speak to me how she likes. I have tried talking to her, I have tried shouting at her and on odd occasions I still do as she can really press my buttons. What actually works however is ignoring her completely. This can go on for hours as she is exceptionally stubborn but in the end she gets so desperate for attention that she gives in. I am told like everything it will pass. Until then I wish you luck

I would have put a sanction on her alongside losing my blob until she's been reigned in tbh.

You had a an argument and I personally would lay down some ground rules on what you expect from her from now on. That level of cheek would earn loss of privileges and a ban from the party full stop.

Your anger is justified. Remind her that she is the child and you are the Mum and you will decide who comes to the house not her. Don't blame you for yelling. I'm a yeller too.

I like a good stomp. It gets the message across without the need for listening to backchat. But then I rarely feel guilty because if I yell they bloody deserve it.

On a slightly different note...

I was only saying yesterday that since everyone here has their windows open due to the nice weather, you can hear lots of screaming/yelling/tantrums coming from various houses as you walk through the streets.

It kind of restores my faith in 'normality' when I hear, "FOR GOD'S SAKE WILL YOU LEEEEAVE MEEEE ALONE!!" coming from various houses

I don't argue with children.

Veto a couple of her friends and see how she likes that.

And not all the tantrums are coming from the kids either

No you were wrong but at least you made it to 12, I've done this with my 4yo

Just have a relax then go have a chat, explain that you shouldn't have lost it but you are a person too who can be affected by tiredness and she was still wrong about x y and z though you shouldn't have reacted how you did.

Not a bad thing for children to know their parents have a limit and are fallible too!

Don't over-think it.
No, you didn't handle it particularly well but just chalk it up to yet another parenting low point and move on.

If you beat yourself up every time you don't deal perfectly with a teenage strop the next 4 years are going to be very long!

Glad to hear that WORRA DH keeps going around closing ours in case someone calls SS

Thank you everyone. I did also tell her that she wouldn't be welcome at the party with that attitude, and that Che could ring her grandma and arrange to go round there.

I think that as I totally lost in an ' I have anger management issues' kind of way, I have made my point and no further sanction will be be needed.

I do agree with dd in a way in that we should talk to each other with equal respect and ideally not shout. I don't like to parent in this way. But equally, her treatment of dd and me re shopping and lack of gratitude for me driving so far was was not respectful in the first instance.