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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to have really lost it with 12 yo dd

52 replies

NoonarAgain · 22/06/2014 15:09

I have been poorly all week. DH is away on a jolly. 12yo dd1 wAs at a sleepover some distance away. I have just returned from a one hour round picking up dd and stopping off at asda to buy party shopping for dd2.

When we got home, neither my 10 nor 12 yo made any attempt to help me in with the shopping. Then dd1 saw an RSVP note on the door step for her sisters party and starting making her objections known about this person coming.

I just lost it with her. She always seems to think she can influence dd2 eg cherry picking which if her friends can come to tea alongside one of her own classmates.

I ranted. Stomping about. Shouting. Angrily stuffing food in the fridge. Dd was calling down the stairs. I yelled back ' I can't hear you and I'm not sure I care what you're saying tbh'. I then said something to her to which she repeated my ' I can't hear you' line. I said that she was extremely cheeky. She said if it was ok for me to say then it was ok for her, as we are equal. I said that I disagreed. That she would be equal when she made some sort of helpful contribution to the household. I said that if she was so aware if her rights, she needed to also think about responsibilities.

I now feel dreadful and know I haven't handled it well.

Does any of my anger seem justified? She has very strong views and is rarely happy to go with the flow and is very adolescent complete with Kevin the teenager eye rolling. I think I've just had enough and reacted to her being back and tricky, after an easy going 24 hours with dd1 :(

Was I totally out if order?

OP posts:

ScarlettlovesRhett · 22/06/2014 15:31

I've lost my voice shouting before now.

Forget and move on - you were actually more reasonable in your explanation than I would have been tbh!

Original poster

NoonarAgain · 22/06/2014 15:32

Oh god, Worra, I did notice with horror that the patio doors were open!

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 22/06/2014 15:32

softly, when my kids were little I think they neighbours thought they were all named Noah.

All they could hear on a hot day coming from my house was, "NOOO-AHHH!"

Original poster

NoonarAgain · 22/06/2014 15:33

'Her' not Che !

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 22/06/2014 15:33

Only advice I will give is, don't expect offers of help, ask for it!

And make sure they have a list of jobs that are theirs to do - and make them do them!

Other than that, give yourself a break. I've lost it far worse than that in the past!

Pagwatch · 22/06/2014 15:34

You are a person. She was being annoying and irritating and you lost our temper and shouted.

It's hardly a big deal. Mothers are people too

WorraLiberty · 22/06/2014 15:34

Oh god, Worra, I did notice with horror that the patio doors were open!

Then your neighbours will probably be pleased to learn they're not the only ones who lose it occasionally

Mytholmroyd · 22/06/2014 15:34

Noonargain - I wouldn't give it a second thought.

I am a great believer in the well-timed infrequent blowing of the top followed if necessary by a retraction of all non-vital help (e.g. taxi service, money for treats, clothes washing/ironing). I think it is good to remind them once in a while that there is a line in the sand and respect and my time/input is not theirs for the taking or by right.

I usually find (and two of my DDs are adults now) that after they have stewed and thought about it for a bit and realised which side their bread is buttered and that the housework fairy does not exist - in encourages a more mature attitude

I have never had any problems raising girls (haven't raised a boy to teenagerhood yet!)

Original poster

NoonarAgain · 22/06/2014 15:35

Pag. Thank you.

Lol Worra.

And to others too :)

OP posts:

RandallFloyd · 22/06/2014 15:38

I think you're absolutely right.

I don't personally like the 'I'm the parent, you're the child' angle. I think that sort of power-play just gives them something to rebel against.

I know when my mum did it to me it just raised my hackles even more.

I think talking to her properly and saying something like Softly suggested is much more productive all round that just lecturing. Nothing gained by being confrontational IMO.

Pagwatch · 22/06/2014 15:51

Can you spot I have an 11 year old ?

I think we set ourselves up for a fall if we are the endlessly calm and together adult tbh.
Children arn't stupid but they can be immensely selfish if we seem impossibly together.

usualsuspectt · 22/06/2014 15:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RandallFloyd · 22/06/2014 16:00

Absolutely.
It's good for her to see that you're human too!

Mytholmroyd · 22/06/2014 16:06

Agree with Pagwatch - I love my kids more than I can say but I will not be a doormat and sometimes you have to take a deep breath and say no. And I think mostly on reflection it has resulted in a change for the better. And even the odd unsolicited cup of tea and latterly dare I say it a rather well concocted G&T! I look on it as an essential skills for working in the student union bar

KatyN · 22/06/2014 17:56

A friend at work was telling me his child had used the 'we live in a democracy' line with him and him and his wife had quickly made it clear it was not and it was their house was more like a dictatorship and they should be happy that their parents were the dictators and not someone awful.
Just a thought!

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 22/06/2014 18:00

Don't give it a second thought. Guarantee she won't!

PurplePidjin · 22/06/2014 18:05

Staying calm and rational is all very well, but I don't think there's anything much wrong with showing older children that they've upset you or made you angry

Wineoclockinwales · 22/06/2014 18:08

One of the best pieces of advice my Mum gave me was to never shout at your children with the windows open.

Itsfab · 22/06/2014 18:10

She does sound like a madam so I think you shouting was probably a little over due. Mine can be sods but I wouldn't stand for any equality claim at their current ages.

Wine and chocolate for you tonight.
- need a new emoticon. MNHQ?!

Topseyt · 22/06/2014 18:26

You wouldn't be human if you never lost your temper so don't beat yourself up about it. Most of us have said, done and yelled things in the past and then realised with hindsight that we could have handled things differently.

Children know how to press all our buttons, and push all boundaries. 12 year olds are know-it-alls who often don't wish to take "no" for an answer. My youngest will be 12 in July, and is just like that.

nooka · 22/06/2014 18:32

I've ranted at my two (15 and 13) every now and then, and I don't think anything of it really. I don't go and apologise to them either, but wait for them to apologise to me. Then we have a cuddle and chat about how things will be different (ie that they will do whatever they should have done in the first place). It's important to know that parents have their limits too (obviously assuming that no one is physically or emotionally hurt).

On the practical side with shopping they just get told to bring it in and put it away. On the yelling up and down the stairs front I'd really try and avoid if you can because I think in general it will just escalate. Better to say that you are busy and will talk about it later, or that you don't want to discuss it, or that it's not her call - really you want to be shutting down the conversation and making it clear that she has no input.

My two know that if I explode then so long as they keep out of my way for a bit it will all calm down pretty quickly, it's the cool quiet stonewalling that's the killer

So OP, go and lie down and hopefully one of your girls will bring you a cup of tea and make you feel better.

nooka · 22/06/2014 18:36

Oh and if you regularly get into terrible arguments with your dd, you could try having a 'safety' word. ds and I can argue about anything (we both love a good debate but can get a bit over invested) and it annoys dh and dd and can lead to upset when one of us says something dreadful (eg ds said something I thought was incredibly sexist and I said if he went on like that I might wish I'd never given birth to him). The word is a time out/stop sign, it doesn't mean anyone has won, just that it's got out of hand. Works quite well, and it's a good discussion to have.

chocolatemademefat · 23/06/2014 08:18

You don't have anger management issues - you have a stroppy twelve year old who thinks she knows everything. Look on the argument as a de-stresser and ignore her for a while.

If she can upset you like this now you won't stand a chance in her teenage years.

I know I was a pain in the arse at that age so when my own kids did it with me it was pay-back for my own behaviour.

KarlWrenbury · 23/06/2014 08:20

I dont think there is ever a need to shout but agree with Minty - meh its a disagreement

Morloth · 23/06/2014 08:38

My Mum used to tell me I should move out now, while I still knew everything.

She was right.

Kids are bloody annoying sometimes.

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