To think my DH's children could (or even should) talk to him on the phone each week?

[stepmother100]

I'll try and keep it brief. My DH has 3 children from a previous relationship, they are 9,8 and 6.

My DH and his ex-P have an incredibly acrimonious relationship.

We have the children every other weekend and for holidays. We live a considerable distance away and so midweek visits aren't possible.

Phone calls have always been sporadic, if they argue about something then it is guaranteed the phone will remain unanswered for a while. She has enforced a rule that says he is only allowed to call at a specified day/time each week and if the phone is not answered then that means the children don't want to speak, and hence he should try again at the same time the following week.

The phone hasn't been answered for some weeks now and she just repeats that they don't want to talk. When they are with us and he speaks to them about the phone calls they go a little evasive and cagey and say sometimes they're busy, or they can't remember if their mother told them he called etc. They don't seem comfortable talking about it so he doesn't push it for fear of upsetting them.

Obviously it is a long time between visits which is I suppose our fault for living so far away, and we are considering a move closer but I also have children from a previous relationship and live close to their father so have that to contend with, plus of course we both work close to where we are now.

DH is getting more and more upset that he doesn't get to speak to the children. My children speak to their father a couple of times a week ad-hoc, if he calls I just say 'your dads on the phone, say hello pls' and they do it. It's not a big issue but they do kind of know it's not an optional question, they're expected to say hi. For some reason she is putting the burden of deciding whether they should talk onto the children. I do get that kids are often not keen on phone calls and he appreciates that too but surely a minute or two once a week isn't too much to ask?

Or is it? Should he just accept they don't want to speak and leave it at that? He has bought the eldest a mobile phone but it is never switched on.

AIBU in thinking its not too much to ask to say hello?

I'll qualify this response by saying that I firmly believe that the parents should never involve the children in any acrimony between them and that they should never, in any circumstances, use the children as a weapon. If she's stopping them from talking to him (either by deception, emotional blackmail etc) then that is wrong and there is never any excuse for that.

However, are you sure that his children have the same relationship with their father as yours do with theirs? Could it be the case that they would rather not talk to him?

I'm not sure to be honest. When they're here with us or on holidays we all have a whale of a time. They are very lovey with him and always holding hands, sitting on his lap, cuddles etc. So it feels as if they have a great relationship to me.

When he has asked his ex to just tell them to say hello in the past she has said that she won't force them because they get very distressed and find it traumatic. This is very odd because to our knowledge she never has forced them, and I just don't understand why they would find it a trauma to say hi, but then come happily skipping out the house to spend the weekend with us two days later? It just doesn't make sense.

I feel like they aren't talking because they know it won't make her happy but have no way of proving this. She of course maintains she never says a bad word against him to the children etc but then they have repeated a few things she has said which haven't been great. All a bit passive aggressive though.

I (and DH) totally agree they should not be involved in any acrimony and say nothing despite whatever is said or done from her side. We are both very firm on this as are both from divorced parents who played out their arguments in front of us.

Are you sure she is even telling them about the calls? At that age, mine didn't answer the phone without permission.

I'dd suggest that the ex reacts badly to the calls so it therefore guilt trips the dc into not wanting to take the calls.

Your dh needs to say to them that they can call him if they want, that he'll always be happy to hear from them, that he'll carry on calling every week as he's allowed, but that if it makes like hard for them, he'll understand if they can't speak.

Can he get legal advice? This seems so wrong!

No we're not sure at all. She won't give her home number and so he calls her mobile which I shouldn't think they would answer. When he has casually asked if mummy told them he called, they often say they can't remember, or they 'think so'. They seem quite fearful of saying something that will get someone in trouble to me which is obviously awful so he just leaves it. She insists she does tell them so what can we do but believe her?

I'm sure it must be hard for your DH, but I don't think the dc should be obliged to speak to him just to say hi for the sake of it.

I know on the few occasions I've travelled with work and I've phoned, my dc aren't always bothered about speaking to me, and when their Dad has tried to make them it's just uncomfortable. I don't want them to talk to me to do me a favour, I just want them to know that I'm thinking of them. It's supposed to be about them, not me.

If your DH has moved away from his dc, he only has himself to blame really, you aren't clear about whether he moved away from his children or not. But if he did, I have very little sympathy for him and lots for his ex and their children.

That's what it feels like to me Hissy but we have absolutely no way of proving it. He has said all that already to them, and now feels as if he just has to accept it.

It seems wrong to me too, it's a big deal being made out of nothing. Why can't she just tell them to say hello? I just don't get it.

He has spoken to a solicitor and had a letter written, she just responded that she wouldn't force them without a court order in place to tell her she had to. We don't have the money to take her to court. I guess we would have to find it if he wasn't seeing them at all but we're wondering if we should just let the phone call thing go. But then he gets upset when his call is ignored again and we discuss the whole thing from scratch!

He moved away for work WooWoo so perhaps only himself to blame...

Look let's be reasonable here. As these ages kids are busy in evening eating tea , doing homework , playing with freinds , doing activities ., bath time. Mum also could be doing stuff as well,
Dad phone call is not that important .
Dad could these things keep phoning leave MSG and text .
Email kids. Set up email when they are at yours .
Buy kids own phone.

Yeah and you know what Longjane perhaps that's the answer here. I feel it is too as no matter what the cause, there's nothing we can do so just need to chill out about it.

thanks all, it's helped clear it in my mind.

The phone hasn't been answered for some weeks now and she just repeats that they don't want to talk. When they are with us and he speaks to them about the phone calls they go a little evasive and cagey and say sometimes they're busy, or they can't remember if their mother told them he called etc. They don't seem comfortable talking about it so he doesn't push it for fear of upsetting them.

The important thing is that the children know that their Dad is thinking of them when he's apart from them, so things like email are a good idea, even if your DH doesn't get a reply. If the ex doesn't want to facilitate that because of Internet access issues or whatever, he could send each of the dc a postcard each week.

I didn't live with my dad growing up, and I used to really enjoy getting a postcard through the letterbox from him.

Can I just say good on him for trying to keep regular contact. My ex really can't be arsed. Promised to take DS on holiday but has now pulled out because otherwise he won't have enough holiday for his 2 week honeymoon. DS is now 12 and getting to the stage of telling ex to go stuff it. I would keep persevering. Email account is a very good idea my DS loves emailing grandma and grandad because he finds phone calls or Skype awkward.

I hated ny ex calling because it was an intrusion into my home. He was 'there' iyswim? But he was an abusive man so that's why. Also all my dc would be in different places,engrossed in their own stuff. It was hard work getting them all to the phone!

I think it's fairly common for indirect contact like telephone calls to fail when the parents don't get on. The children are all fairly young for telephone calls IMO too.

What a difficult situation. It does sound like DC mum is putting them under pressure/using them as canon fodder, but you can't do anything without increasing the pressure on them. I think your dh needs to go on doing what he's doing, making sure they have a lovely time when you're all together. A postcard is a lovely idea woo.

My DD is currently 1, though was 8 when we split. She hates her two lives overlapping, I wait for her to phone me and am delighted when she does. Her father phones sporadically she regularly doesn't want to talk to him sometimes she does and is monosyllabic other times she refuses. If I make her talk she is grumpy with me for the rest of the evening, if I don't make her talk I get a hard time from. The mum may just be caught in the middle.

I think they are too young to get any real benefit from phone contact and you should let it go.

My daughter is 9 and told me yesterday that every time the phone rings she crosses her fingers and 'hopes it isn't daddy'. I asked her why and she says it's because she never knows what to say and she doesn't like talking to someone she can't see. I also remember at that age being very irritated when adults asked me about my day.

She has skyped and facetimed and that was initially more successful as she could show him things. But now she has run out of things to show him and that seems to have died a death too.

It's much more important, I think, that he is physically there for them whenever he can be and spends time with them. I think that for the majority of time phone contact causes more hassle than it ever brings benefits, particularly if the relationship with the resident parent is bad.

stepparents/new partners really should not get involved in this as it breeds resentment in my humble opinion xx

why does he not say, when he does see then, i will speak to you on tues/wed etc its a casual way of letting them know you will be calling

block the number and ring ring from a friends house once the phone is answered she cant really ignore easily

or let it go

Also, she doesn't often call me when she's away - I get pissed off with her dad when he can't be bothered to text and let me know they have arrived safely or whatever, but I don't expect her to call me. It's lovely if she does but I don't think it is something that any child should be 'persuaded' to do as it's just quite awkward if they are not enthusiastic about it.

Interesting perspective about 'talking to someone you can't see'. Explains a lot.

My ds is monosyllabic on the phone with his dad (abroad last 3yrs, and only faintly bothered tbh) but he's also nonplussed speaking to me on the phone and always had been.

I thought that it'd be a novelty me calling him, but he just listened and answered in one word answers. Totally underwhelmed.

Op, your dh dc are all at, or rapidly approaching, the age where they understand and retain information conveyed to them.

Your dh can keep telling them that he thinks about them all the time, that if they ever wanted to call him he'd be delighted to hear from them, so that they know they are always in his heart/thoughts.

I think he should ask them if they want him to call, or if they're not really that bothered.

It could be that the tel conversations are for his benefit atm, and not theirs.

If he tells them that what they want is important here, and abide by it, they'll have a shedload more respect for him, than for a mother who denies and prevents communication.

I'm assuming domestic abuse wasn't a factor of their marriage? He's not abusive, is he?

Assuming not, she has no real reason to deny access, and her comment about court order is telling.

If your dh can find a way to let the dc know that he'd talk to them any day, any time, but only if it's what they want, he should ask them if they'd rather he didn't do the weekly calls, and if not, that's fine too. So he'd stop.

It'd mean that their mother has lost a method of control.

In a few years time, the dc will have mobiles and will be able to have as much contact with him as they like. He just has to tell them that he'll be waiting.

What a good man he seems to be. (assuming he's not abusive, natch!) :)

Some interesting replies - thanks.

I do very much stay out of it to them, and of course to the ex, but naturally discuss it with dh.

The postcards is a good idea, I'll definitely suggest and yes I think you're all right when you say the main thing is letting them know he's there and thinking about them.

No definitely not abusive, he's a really lovely man, she had a one night stand and he left. He does say it was the icing on the cake in that they hadn't been getting along for some time and really it was a reason to finish. It was 4 years ago now and a Year before I met him but the ex still says it's my fault they split up. Not entirely sure how. I don't want to rubbish her here as it's a whole other thread, and

Posted too soon

I wanted to focus on my feelings about whether the children should chat and the likely reasons they may not.

Could you offer to buy the 9 year old a PAYG phone or something, so you can cut out the middleman?

When I split up with my XH, I asked him to buy DS who was then 9, a PAYG phone, so that way responsibility for all phone contact was between them. Like a previous poster, I didn't want him ringing my phone, as it felt like an intrusion.