To think my DH's children could (or even should) talk to him on the phone each week?

[stepmother100]

I'll try and keep it brief. My DH has 3 children from a previous relationship, they are 9,8 and 6.

My DH and his ex-P have an incredibly acrimonious relationship.

We have the children every other weekend and for holidays. We live a considerable distance away and so midweek visits aren't possible.

Phone calls have always been sporadic, if they argue about something then it is guaranteed the phone will remain unanswered for a while. She has enforced a rule that says he is only allowed to call at a specified day/time each week and if the phone is not answered then that means the children don't want to speak, and hence he should try again at the same time the following week.

The phone hasn't been answered for some weeks now and she just repeats that they don't want to talk. When they are with us and he speaks to them about the phone calls they go a little evasive and cagey and say sometimes they're busy, or they can't remember if their mother told them he called etc. They don't seem comfortable talking about it so he doesn't push it for fear of upsetting them.

Obviously it is a long time between visits which is I suppose our fault for living so far away, and we are considering a move closer but I also have children from a previous relationship and live close to their father so have that to contend with, plus of course we both work close to where we are now.

DH is getting more and more upset that he doesn't get to speak to the children. My children speak to their father a couple of times a week ad-hoc, if he calls I just say 'your dads on the phone, say hello pls' and they do it. It's not a big issue but they do kind of know it's not an optional question, they're expected to say hi. For some reason she is putting the burden of deciding whether they should talk onto the children. I do get that kids are often not keen on phone calls and he appreciates that too but surely a minute or two once a week isn't too much to ask?

Or is it? Should he just accept they don't want to speak and leave it at that? He has bought the eldest a mobile phone but it is never switched on.

AIBU in thinking its not too much to ask to say hello?

That sounds similar to our situation. As a stepmother there is a fine line between helping and interfering. When you see your partner hurting you want to do whatever you can to help..but you have to remember not to help too much..it's a minefield!

Sounds like you're handling the situation well. My sd is 11. We have a great relationship with her.. Lots of communication, cuddles, fun and laughter.. But.. talking on the phone is a nightmare. Yes no answers, it's very awkward! Turns out she hates talking on the phone. Nothing personal, just hates the phone. So we've stuck
to email and when she has a phone later in the year we will text. I think you should be able to phone but as this
does seem to be causing stress for the kids I would sort
out email and communicate via that.

It's frustrating if you feel the other parent is forcing some control over something for no reason..I know!! But if there's nothing you can do about it you have to work around it. It's taken 6 years of controlling behaviour from my DH's ex for me to finally realise I can't fight everything.. I'll go mad otherwise.

Sorry about the gaps.. stupid phone!

The other thing to bear in mind is that to the sms/email generation, talking on the phone is an alien concept.

I was talking to a client the other day and he was bemoaning the young trainees for having zero phone skills, and a fear of verbal communication somehow.

I think it is best to leave the phone calls. Ds only speaks to his dad on the phone once in a blue moon. He loves his dad and has a good relationship with him. He just gets nothing out of speaking on the phone and he's the same with me when he stays with his Dad for three weeks in the summer. He sees his Dad every other weekend and half of every holiday and there is no acrimony between me and his Dad.

The OP has said that her husband bought the eldest a phone.

It does sound difficult.

If the kids have access to their own phone and they don't want to talk - they don't want to talk. Not everyone has to talk on the phone to their Dad just because the OP's kids do.

If it is a case of their Mum finding the calls intrusive, postcards will be the same, surely. But, I still like the idea. Could you find cards, you know they will like, write them and leave them to read when they come to you? So, they know you are thinking of them, but are not put in the middle. You couldn't even start them a book/file to keep them in, or a keepsake box? It isn't fair but you can work round it and let's be honest, the most important thing is they obviously have a ball when they are with you.

I don't know what others think but I found phone calls much, much more intrusive than a post card or letter, which I just put in a box for her.

I would not stop him calling, I think its good for her to know that he is thinking of her, even if she isn't keen on talking but I can't say it is a fun experience to know that he is calling.

I can see that if things ended very badly, it could be very difficult to take.

I'm sorry but phone calls are annoying. They demand that we are permanently available to the ex and if we're not, we somehow are expected to explain why not. In the early days of my separation, my ex had me terrified of the possible consequences for me if I missed a call (he would take me to court and get the children removed from me) and it got to the point where I would be sitting on the sofa with the phone in my hand at least 30 minutes before he was due to call and answering before the first ring had finished. Eventually, I realised he didn't have that kind of power and I told him where to go, but not before he had done me more emotional damage than should have been possible.

I am afraid that if he started that again, I would seek legal support to get it stopped. I will answer if he calls and we are available, but I will no longer be beholden to him. This works for me. It's nothing to do with the children. The phone is set so it goes straight to ansaphone and we can't hear who's calling. I will check it immediately and call back anyone I want to - including the ex - but I won't let him into my home whenever he chooses. And phone calls are an intrusion into my home.

I also wouldn't allow a 9 year old to have a phone (any phone, not just one from his dad) because the same princple applies - it's still intruding into our family time and what we're doing. You can't expect, for example, to be able to speak to the children when suits - we could be eating or about to leave the house or getting dressed or just having fun together.

TBH I think you and your DH could be blowing this out of all proportion- many, many children don't like talking on the phone. I think it's possible that their acrimonious relationship/split has led to suspicions of "foul play" on her part, when it might be a lot less complicated- which is my initial reaction. That said, it is always possible that her motives are vindictive.

It could be that your DHs children simply don't want to talk on the phone and his ex-w actually doesn't want to force them to. Simple as that.

My DD doesn't like talking on the phone very much, on some rare occasions she will chat away quite happily, but most of the time she's just not interested- including talking to me when I phone if I'm away at a conference/working a late on-call or something.

I wouldn't force young DC to talk to anyone on the phone, I think it's a bit pointless and more likely to cause an issue than if you just left it (and the ex-w will have to deal with the moaning/anger/tears, every week. I wouldn't be up for that). It strikes me that your DHs wanting to speak on the phone, while perfectly natural and understandable, shouldn't mean his ex-w should force their children to speak to him. Although you are happy to do it, which just shows it's down to personal views and I wouldn't say either approach is categorically wrong.

Do you think it's possible that the DC genuinely have forgotten if she said or not, as it's not something they attach a lot of importance to? Or perhaps that asking them makes them feel awkward, as they can tell DH is keen to talk to them and they'd chosen not to, rather than them being worried about what their mother thinks? Or that it's a bit of both- feeling pressure from both sides?

My advice, for what it's worth, is to leave it be for now. Your DH has regular contact, which cannot be increased due to logistics (your DH's choice- although I recognise work is not always a "choice"), so he does still have a big role in their life. Forcing them to do something they don't want to do (whatever their reason) to make him feel better probably isn't worth it. I don't think any court would order her to force her children to speak to your DH

Of course, I could be completely wrong and she's doing it all out of spite!

Kids are weird with the phone though. Mine clam up when talking to their grandparents and if I gave them the choice (haha) they'd probably rather not talk either. They are much more responsive with Skype though. Could your DH buy them a tablet and give them a Skype call every now and then? It does sound like the mum is trying to obstruct things so probably a word or two with her is warranted (althoughshe might demand she gets to talk with them when they are on their contact visits with you too - esp in holidays).

I agree with iamsoannoyed.

YY to the skype working so much better for the dc, but I found having my ex (mostly emotionally abusive) 'seeing' into my home a complete violation.

Ok, I know that's my issue, and over time i'd have got over it, or staged it so that he wasn't intruding on my spaace etc, ex's laptop however is no longer capable of running skype apparently. Boo, Erm hoo.

My ex was initially very big on Skype, then skyped from his car ???? Then gave up for ages. I think he had moved in with a girlfriend and wanted to keep it secret. Why I don't know. It worked ok for a few sessions but now my daughter doesn't seem keen. He isn't actually there in person so she seems to find it hard to engage and from what I have overheard he doesn't sound very enthusiastic about trying to engage her.

I think the important thing is that they know they can speak to their dad on the phone if they want to - on one occasion my daughter got very upset and wanted to speak to him, so I rang his mobile for her. Interestingly that only happened once, and I wonder if what has reassured her is knowing that she could.