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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Advice needed re DC1's birth

44 replies

LJHH · 22/06/2014 11:46

Just for background info,
my mum and step dad divorced around 2 years ago, since then my dad has settled down with someone else and is really happy but my mum has just gone from one crappy relationship to the next, seemingly unable to be alone and without a man (she lives with my teenage DSis so technically not alone)

I am 32 weeks pregnant with my first baby, her first DGC. I have a bit of an issue with hospitals which I know is silly but I can't help it, they terrify me, basically I want my DP AND my mum there when I am in labour, I asked her if she would be there and of course she said she would be honoured, she would love to and she'll keep me from freaking out (DP doesn't tell me off for being stupid, which I'll need!) we'll get through it together etc

I got a text from her this morning adv me that her new boyfriend (I didn't even know she had a boyfriend) has offered to pay for her and my DSis to go on holiday. But they would be leaving 2 days before my due date and she doesn't know what to do.

AIBU to think that although yes, I'll have my DP there and really I'll be fine whatever happens (and it's more important to me that he's there) but if you had promised that you would effectively be a birthing partner, you wouldn't jet off 2 days before said baby is due?
I know babies rarely arrive when they are supposed to and he might be early/late, but I am going to want my mum around to help me out once he's born so even if she's here for the birth and then goes I'm still going to feel a bit shoved aside.

I never ask her for help ever and just feel this time baby and I should come first?
This is a massive deal for me and I can't imagine doing it without her help. I have my mother in law and other lovely people around but it's not the same as your own mum.

I hope I don't sound selfish, I just feel a bit put out....
Sorry if that was a bit waffly!

OP posts:
HaroldLloyd · 22/06/2014 11:49

I would be gutted too.

Have you answered her yet?

Mumof3xox · 22/06/2014 11:50

Offered to pay for, not booked

So why not a different date?

CoffeeTea103 · 22/06/2014 11:50

Yanbu op, my mum would have not made any plans with anyone if she knew I needed her. It does depend on the type of family you have though, some people don't think it's a big deal and some do.

FatalCabbage · 22/06/2014 11:51

I think you should ask her to stay here. Even if she isn't at the birth she is likely to want to meet her DGC and support her daughter more generally!

For reference, my parents drove 200 miles when I was in labour so they could meet pfb ASAP. They did the same journey even for DC3 !

weatherall · 22/06/2014 11:55

Most hospitals don't allow 2 birth partners.

Check this first with your MW.

Original poster
LJHH · 22/06/2014 11:58

I haven't replied, She's not stupid, she must know it's upset me. I'm hoping she'll come to her senses (and she's not in Thomas Cook)

It's not booked as far as I know, they had arranged the dates before my mum was around so technically mum and sis are gatecrashing the holiday.
I understand BF and kids (who are older) don't want to go earlier as too pricey and they can't go later as my DSis is due back at school (she's going back into yr 10, there's a big age gap between us)

For many reasons, this is my first and only baby and my DSis (I have 2 younger ones) are hugely unlikely to let her anywhere near the hospital when they are in labour so this is pretty much her only chance to see one of her DGC be born and I'll think she'll regret it

OP posts:
Finney2 · 22/06/2014 11:58

If she's saying she doesn't know what to do, then she's effectively already decided wha to do and is asking your permission.

It's a bit of a shitty thin for her to do tbh. I think I'd put the ball back in her court and tell her it's up to her.

Finney2 · 22/06/2014 11:59

what and thing FFS!

Original poster
LJHH · 22/06/2014 11:59

I did check with MW, she said it would be ok. This is one of the first things I asked her!

OP posts:
Icimoi · 22/06/2014 12:08

A bit off the point, I know, but given your problems with hospitals have you looked into whether a home birth would be possible?

I don't actually think she'd regret not seeing her grandchild born, it's not as if it's normal practice, is it? Though I admit I'm prejudiced by the fact that the very last person I would have wanted with me when my dc were born was my mother.

HermioneWeasley · 22/06/2014 12:08

It's a shitty thing for your mum to do. She clearly wants to go on the holiday and is looking for your blessing so she can pretend it's ok. It is her decision and I wouldn't make her feel ok about it, but obviously wouldn't stop her either.

Have you thought about a home birth, and/or having a doula there?

adeucalione · 22/06/2014 12:11

It's quite obvious that she wants your permission to go on the holiday.

I wouldn't want her with me under duress so I'd tell her to go.

I suppose it does depend on the circumstances somewhat - I'm sure your DSis wants to go, and if it's the first holiday they've had in years I think I'd be sympathetic.

FunkyBoldRibena · 22/06/2014 12:13

How long is the holiday, and when will she be back with regards your due date?

BobPatandIgglePiggle · 22/06/2014 12:17

It's shitty of her and agree with pp that she's effectively asking permission.

I wouldn't pussy foot around. You want her there and she agreed. I would ring her and say you'd like her to stick to the agreement and be your birthing partner.

If you must text then keep it simple and clear. 'The babyis xxx, you said youd be there and I need you to be'

BobPatandIgglePiggle · 22/06/2014 12:18

**baby is due on xx

Original poster
LJHH · 22/06/2014 12:18

The thing is I don't think my DSis does want to go, she gets dragged along with my mum almost as an accessory and I feel a bit sorry for her. They had a holiday together year before last and my mum has been away with previous bf last year and my sister went to Turkey last year for 2 weeks with my dad. So they're ok on the holiday front :)

I do think you're all right and she does want to go, I'm not giving her my blessing (I may be being selfish I don't know) I have honestly never met anyone so excited at the prospect of becoming a grandparent , it's quite ridiculous how excited she is! She turns every conversation, fb post etc into something baby related. That's why I am so surprised she's saying this now. And that's why I think she'll regret it and will be insanely jealous if it's my MIL helping us in the first few days if she does decide to go.

OP posts:
RedToothBrush · 22/06/2014 12:38

But they would be leaving 2 days before my due date and she doesn't know what to do.

Take it that she really doesn't know what to do and go from there, rather than trying to second guess her.

She may be feeling pressured to choose between you and your sister/partner. She may feel like she wants to say no to the holiday but doesn't want to seem ungrateful or feel like she is being mean and is looking to you to stress how much you need her.

She may be looking for your 'permission' to go.

But you don't know which it is, until you have a proper conversation with her about it.

Mrsjayy · 22/06/2014 12:40

Your mum wants you to say it's fine mum go have fun, I think itsa shitty thing for her to do, I would tell her but you said you would be at thebirth its up to you do what you want, so you are not giving her that permission,

CSIJanner · 22/06/2014 12:44

Dear mum

I'd be lying if I told you I wasn't upset by this as its close to the due date and I would dearly love for you to be at the birth of DC. Ultimately, its your decision.

love LJ

GreenPetal94 · 22/06/2014 13:03

Actually I can't understand how two birth partners would work. You'll want as few people around as possible. In fact I found even dh annoying and wanted to be alone.

So I'd question whether you really want your mum before expecting her to be there. How will both you mum and dp be able to help you at the same time when you are in agony and don't want anyone to touch or crowd you. That is how I felt anyway giving birth. I'm also terrified of hospitals but once you are really in labour that is not what you will be thinking about.

Mrsjayy · 22/06/2014 13:11

Well seeing as the op has never given birth before she doesn't know the hatred we feel with the babies dad mid labour Grin anyway her mum said she would go with her and now she seems to be backing out which isnt fair on the op,

whiteblossom · 22/06/2014 13:23

I agree with finny.

what a shitty thing to do, is a holiday/boyfriend more important to her!

Whatever she decides, you can do this with your dh and mw, you'll be just fine- you know for future reference if she chooses to go on holiday where you stand. I wouldn't assume that because she brags about baby gp status that she really wants to be there for you. My MIL was like that yet she hasn't seen our ds in 3.5 years...some people like to talk the talk but that's where its ends.

quietbatperson · 22/06/2014 13:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DPotter · 22/06/2014 13:50

This is really sad; even if your mum hadn't agreed to be your birth partner. My mum & dad changed their holiday dates when my due date overlapped their holiday. They were going away with my sister and her family and her husband's mum and sister - so a really big deal. And I wasn't looking to my Mum to be my birth partner either - I just wanted her around after

I don't think you're being selfish - she made you a promise.

I think you're Mum will regret it if she goes, missing out on being around on the birth of her first grandchild - just for some man she's just met. I think you need to tell her this - you made me a promise, you're really excited about being a Gran and yet you are seriously thinking of going on holiday some some recent pick-up.....

Original poster
LJHH · 22/06/2014 13:55

I'm going to text her later, if she really wants to go then she can just go, I can't be bothered with the hassle! At least I know where her priorities lie...

I think I was just a bit shocked as she had agreed to be my "birth partner" (ooohhh I hate that phrase!) ages ago and now she's had a better offer from someone she's known for 2 weeks despite knowing I was a bit worried about the whole having to give birth scenario.

So long as I've got my DP (until he pisses me off, ha) and baby is born safely, I'm sure everything will ok

OP posts: