Advice needed re DC1's birth

[LJHH]

Just for background info,
my mum and step dad divorced around 2 years ago, since then my dad has settled down with someone else and is really happy but my mum has just gone from one crappy relationship to the next, seemingly unable to be alone and without a man (she lives with my teenage DSis so technically not alone)

I am 32 weeks pregnant with my first baby, her first DGC. I have a bit of an issue with hospitals which I know is silly but I can't help it, they terrify me, basically I want my DP AND my mum there when I am in labour, I asked her if she would be there and of course she said she would be honoured, she would love to and she'll keep me from freaking out (DP doesn't tell me off for being stupid, which I'll need!) we'll get through it together etc

I got a text from her this morning adv me that her new boyfriend (I didn't even know she had a boyfriend) has offered to pay for her and my DSis to go on holiday. But they would be leaving 2 days before my due date and she doesn't know what to do.

AIBU to think that although yes, I'll have my DP there and really I'll be fine whatever happens (and it's more important to me that he's there) but if you had promised that you would effectively be a birthing partner, you wouldn't jet off 2 days before said baby is due?
I know babies rarely arrive when they are supposed to and he might be early/late, but I am going to want my mum around to help me out once he's born so even if she's here for the birth and then goes I'm still going to feel a bit shoved aside.

I never ask her for help ever and just feel this time baby and I should come first?
This is a massive deal for me and I can't imagine doing it without her help. I have my mother in law and other lovely people around but it's not the same as your own mum.

I hope I don't sound selfish, I just feel a bit put out....
Sorry if that was a bit waffly!

I've seen 2 of my DGC born but not the others. They were amazing experiences and although I adore all my DGC I am sorry I wasn't able to be at the other births.

She made you a promise and she's letting you down. Even if she hadn't been asked to be at the birth, I can't understand her wanting to be away around your due date. I couldn't wait to see my other DGC. I was there as soon as allowed! I also couldn't rest while I knew my DD and DiL were in labour!

She is obviously one of these women who cannot live without a man. Best she gets on with it then. I would keep your distance now.

Her loss.

Yes, they have been in a relationship for 2 weeks
She tends to jump into things rather quickly, normally we just let her crack on with it but this time I think she really needs to have a think about what she's doing.

I think it depends alot on her own attitude to birth, I thought birth was s massive deal with pfb but now I'm pregnant with dc2 I just see it as part of the process, not massively important. I try not to cancel things around my own due date I'd certainly not feel the need to put my life on hold for someone elses due date.

Maybe your mum just doesn't see birth as a big drama.

I think creating a bond with the baby once it's born is much more important.

Two weeks??

Send her a breezy message saying 'no problem, I'll ask MIL to be my birth partner instead'.

I agree that she'll live to regret it - good. What a really rubbish way to treat your daughter.

I agree re birth not being a huge huge deal but something I would prefer her to be here for as I've not done it before :) I wouldn't expect anyone to put their life on hold for me, I think as she had originally said she'd be there then changed her mind when this loser appeared on the scene that's why I was so annoyed. I would love her to be here after to help with baby and show me best way to do things etc and bond with him, as I know she'll be so jealous of MIL helping and it not being her, I'm just worried she'll be in another country

I just sent her a message explaining how I felt and she replied back "ok"and that was it! I really do think she thought I wouldn't mind her disappearing at one of the times I need her most

""I don't actually think she'd regret not seeing her grandchild born, it's not as if it's normal practice, is it? "
""Actually I can't understand how two birth partners would work. ""

It depends on the length of labour, it means "Mum" is never left and has a close female relative around (if it's her Mum, then it's someone who has given birth).

I find MN unusual in this respect. It's the norm were I am, to have your Mum as one of your Birth Partners.

It's only toxic or dysfunctional families that don't welcome family members to share these moments, were I live.

I was one of my Neices, i stood in until her Mum got to the hospital and then waited, picking up food etc for her DP.

I will be one of my DD's BP's in November, you don't have to name two until you are in Labour.

OP, I think if you let this holiday happen, it will fester forever.

I personally couldn't imagine not being at the hospital, at least, if one if my DD's were in labour. Likewise I am invited to the scans.

You need an open and honest conversation with her.

Without sounding harsh, she needs to make you a priority, not her new boyfriend. I say that as a LP of adult DD's.

Maybe she just doesn't understand that you do need her, have you spoken about her births with her and got an idea about how she felt?

I think it's wrong for her to be there if she doesn't want to be there or would rather be elsewhere. it sounds like your on different pages regarding how important birth is.

""I agree re birth not being a huge huge deal but something I would prefer her to be here for as I've not done it before I wouldn't expect anyone to put their life on hold for me,""

Giving birth could be one of the most stressful/painfull, but equally wonderful etc experiences my DD's may go through, it is an event, as a family we cannot control, or "cushion".

I couldn't comprehend piddling off out of the country whilst this is happening tbh.

Not all births, newborn stage goes according to plan, you should want to do everything in your power to be there for your child, even though they are an adult, both physically and emotionally, if needed.

YANBU OP I'd be gutted.

FWIW, ignore those saying you won't want your mum at the birth. My mum was present at DD's birth and I think her strength and presence contributed towards me having a great birth and getting away without an epidural. (I was also thrilled that OH was there and never once hated him, so don't believe that's inevitable either!).

I would hire a doula and not allow her at the birth.

One thing I need in the run up to given birth is clear realistic plan.

My mum was actually a birth partner for my cousin, she went into labour Xmas Eve and my mum was there the whole time and came home Xmas day evening @birdsgottafly
So that also makes me feel a bit
You sound lovely, and your daughters are v lucky, good luck to her and your future DGC x

I've almost decided I just want my DP there now, I agree that if someone would rather be somewhere else than they can just do it. Would be nice to have a close female with me who has done it before, my sister would be there in a heartbeat but I don't want her to be scared or worried as she doesn't know what to expect either.
Oh if only I could have a glass of wine :)
Thank you all for your input, I do appreciate it

Wait, she's been in a relationship with this bloke for a matter of weeks and not only is she thinking about going on holiday with him but she has also a) already introduced her teenage DD (your DSis) to him and b) is expecting to take her DD with - on a holiday with a man who is still in the virtual stranger category?

That's odd. NOT because "he's a man and men can't be trusted" but because most divorced parents get (and most of the advice is) that you should take things slowly, introduce the partner only once YOU'VE got to know them properly etc.

Under normal circumstances I have little patience for women who can't be without a man but think hey ho its their choice. When there are kids involved I think they need a good hard talking to. It doesn't matter that your DSis is a teenager and not a little one. Teenagers can feel hugely insecure about family set ups.

Clearly also she is reneging on something which is a huge deal for you.

I would call her out on this on both counts.

I'd be composing the most arsey/passive aggressive text I could muster.

My hospital allowed two birth partners and from what I see this is rare and others allow more or at least allow you to chop and change if only two people allowed in.

I'd be devestated and feel that she was choosing the new man over me and my child, tbh. She's promised you she'll be there at the birth and now wants to go back on that.

I was miffed that my MIL didn't meet PFB until he was 5 days old - she doesn't drive, lives 2 hours away (was brought by SIL and her dc who are in school) and was moving house the weekend I went into labour so not exactly flexible situations!

I know I agree, I feel sorry for my sister. She's my baby (there's 13yrs between us) and she pretends to be cool and grown up but she really isn't and still gets v upset over things. she doesn't even know about this holiday yet, I know for a fact she'd rather stay here with her mates than be dragged abroad.
I live an hours drive (I don't drive) so I feel a bit useless sometimes.
I didn't meet my DP kids for a year and he and ex had been split up for 3yrs prior to us meeting.

2 birth partners here as well.
Had mum and DH for my first (but would probably have been allowed whatever I wanted, DD was IUD)'
Same for second but then just DH for the section
And will be having DH and private midwife for number 3

OP, your mum is being unfair, I would also remove her from all plans now. Agree with pp that her speed with new partners is worrying considering the ages of her other dd.

Former midwife here. I think it's fine to have two birth partners but if you and your DH are close the it's really special to have just the two of you there for such an intimate and wonderful moment.

Get him along to some birthing classes if possible. If not ask your mw to give hime some pointers.byou don't need your mum there. Especially a flakey mum. Chances are she could make OT all about her and get on your nerves.

And if you explain how nervous you are then the mw caring for you will be the one to keep you focused and give you the straight talking