to ask what you would do in this situation?

[iMacHunt]

I am a lone parent to 2 DC's. One is in full time school, the youngest starts kindy next year.

I can't work as

1. I live in a country where a driver's license and a car is pretty much essential and I have neither (never had the spare income nor time to do this)

2. Both children would have to go into daycare and I would be out of pocket as I would have to go in to retail work as that is what I have experience with)

The ex has them every other weekend. Child maintainace is sporodic and meant to be $30 a month.

The ex now has a job and is living with his gf who has a dc around the same age as my eldest. They get on well.

He lives about an hour away.

The eldest wants to move in with him. I jave told her that this means changing schools and not seeing her friends. She is appaerently okay with this. Her school is one of the best in the state and is a feeded school to one of the best public high schools.

Where her dad lives the education is passable.

But. I am on the bones of my arse with debts and little to none extra income to do fun things with the dc (plus no vehicle).

The ex lives by a beach and always does the 'disney dad' thing with them as he has the disposable income to do this.

If they were to move in with him I would see them every other weekend only due to the distance. I would also feel like a shit mum as I am not the one looking after them and will be missing out. But then again, he has missed out too.

But I could get a leg up, so to speak. Get a job and go for my license. At the moment I am just stuck really. I have no family here.

I feel that maybe they would be better off with their dad. But it is so, so hard to comprehend that I would be only seeing them for a little amount of time. Like I have failed as a mother.

If they move in with their dad, because it is far away it means that that will now be their life. I won't move that way so it won't be 50/50 care. Ever.

Arrgh I am so torn

Wouldn't be an option for me, not at all.

What about if you changed your mind? How could you get them back? And do you mean both go or just the older?
How old is the older?

The eldest is 8.

There is no parenting order in place.

Both go. If just the eldest goes then my benefits will decrease and I will have to move anyway. I can't afford to move.

I wouldn't do it. Once done, it's pretty irreversible.

I think you should explore other solutions first. Why is he only paying $30 a month??? Go after him for a proper amount, wouldn't that help a lot?

Or have them go to his every weekend, then you could get a weekend job at least.

It sounds like you live in the US. Is there not a town nearby you could move to so you don't need a car? Could you do any kind of online work? Or cleaning houses in your neighbourhood, taking in ironing, dog walking.

It does sound like you're in a hard position but I would see giving up the kids as a last resort.

I don't know which country you're in, but thirty dollars of any denomination per month is a paltry sum, if he's as comfortably-off as you say. There must be some way of formalising a payment for his children, surely?

Why are you even considering this? Your self esteem must be low. Your situation is not unusual....loads of single parents have this....it's bad....but it's the way it is...instead of thinking about letting the children live with their Dad you should concentrate on changing the financial situation.

I assume you're in Oz?

Don't let them go. Getting a licence and all that will be meaningless without your kids. He needs to pay you more.

Why not a) move closer, b) go through the courts for more maintenance?

What country are you in?

How come he has the funds to be Disney dad yet leaving you on the bones of your arse?

You don't sound like you want to do this.

Is there anything you can do about the maintenance?

Oh sorry, maybe you're in Australia

Why not get a formal arrangement with agreed maintenance? It's ridiculous he's not paying enough.

Moonlight moving costs a lot of money. It sounds like she needs to get her proper allowance out of this man...

I'm also questioning his financial situation.

Of course the 8 year old wants to go there with his beach and the friend and his Disney dad ways. But it's not real as you can see. You know that or you wouldn't be saying he's a Disney dad.

It's far, far easier to be the fun-Bobby parent.

What would I do? I'd go after him for proper maintenance for the kids. In the UK it's around 25% of the dads salary.

Keep your eldest in the good school. Keep your kids with you. He does not get to swan off to the beach taking your kids off you!

why can't you move closer to him? he could have them more and you could work and learn to drive while still seeing them regularly (evenings, weekends)

Yeah I am in Aus.

The amount is set by the CSA. I think it will be going up next month (new financial year) but I don't know by how much.

I really don't want to have to move near him for 50/50 care. He was the one who moved that way in the first place. Not my fault he met someone down there and is now living there permanantly due to that is where she lives and where her child goes to school.

Where he lives is far from the city. I live in a good suburb. Little to no crime. But it is expensive.

Where he lives does have it's problems.

I want the dc's to have a good education. But I don't know how I can sustain this for much longer.

Yes, why don't you. I've closer to him, go at him for a sum commensurate with his income. Get your license and maybe go to college and away from retail.

No, never in a million years.

The best things in life aren't about money and what it can buy.

Don't do it.

I plan to go to college. This however requires a computer (he took the one we had), a car and money to pay for it. Oh and time to do it too. Toddlers are a handful

I couldn't do this.
You sound depressed and I'm pretty certain that if you handed your kids over (who most definitely wouldn't have the Disney Dad experience if they lived with him 24-7) you'd regret it and never have the same relationship with them again.

$30 is paltry, even $300 isn't a lot of money. As other have said you need to sort out a fair maintenance amount.

Could you learn to drive? Have you look into getting a car? Surely this would be a benefit to your ex as you could share the responsibility of dropping off and picking up.

What training/education is available for you? Could you look into doing something that could lead into better paid work for you.

What's your relationship like with you ex? Can you have a reasonable conversation with him to explain that improving your circumstances will aid his children and him.

But if you don't move closer to him you'll be in a nice suburb with a ton of debt and no kids except once a month, and the kids will be in the not so nice area anyway.

If you were closer he could help you more, give you more time etc.

Surely the CSA haven't got his correct salary? How do they work it out in Aus?

There is no way I'd choose to see my dc so rarely, if there was anything I could possibly do to have at least 50/50 access to my children I would.

How about the children spending all holidays with their dad, you could try to get agency work/seasonal work in that time and save the money ( also save money that you would have spent on food/entertainment for the children)

You don't need money to entertain kids, I was amazed at the amount of free things for kids to do when I lived in Australia.

Pragmatically as opposed to emotionally, if your children went to live with their dad (does his GF agree to this?) and you got a job, would you have to pay him maintenance?

Lose/Lose situation.