to ask what you would do in this situation?

[iMacHunt]

I am a lone parent to 2 DC's. One is in full time school, the youngest starts kindy next year.

I can't work as

1. I live in a country where a driver's license and a car is pretty much essential and I have neither (never had the spare income nor time to do this)

2. Both children would have to go into daycare and I would be out of pocket as I would have to go in to retail work as that is what I have experience with)

The ex has them every other weekend. Child maintainace is sporodic and meant to be $30 a month.

The ex now has a job and is living with his gf who has a dc around the same age as my eldest. They get on well.

He lives about an hour away.

The eldest wants to move in with him. I jave told her that this means changing schools and not seeing her friends. She is appaerently okay with this. Her school is one of the best in the state and is a feeded school to one of the best public high schools.

Where her dad lives the education is passable.

But. I am on the bones of my arse with debts and little to none extra income to do fun things with the dc (plus no vehicle).

The ex lives by a beach and always does the 'disney dad' thing with them as he has the disposable income to do this.

If they were to move in with him I would see them every other weekend only due to the distance. I would also feel like a shit mum as I am not the one looking after them and will be missing out. But then again, he has missed out too.

But I could get a leg up, so to speak. Get a job and go for my license. At the moment I am just stuck really. I have no family here.

I feel that maybe they would be better off with their dad. But it is so, so hard to comprehend that I would be only seeing them for a little amount of time. Like I have failed as a mother.

If they move in with their dad, because it is far away it means that that will now be their life. I won't move that way so it won't be 50/50 care. Ever.

Arrgh I am so torn

Could you move into the city? then you wouldn't need a car and could perhaps more easily find a school hours job (eg lunch shift at a cafe -- if you have retail experience you can easily shift to restaurant work)

Are all the debts really yours or is he responsible for some?

I think you are considering this because you're exhausted and ground down, but if they did go and you recovered a bit you will regret it so much.

Surely the calculation of your maintenance is wrong? Talk to CSA about it and/or get separate advice.

Wouldn't do it. What I would do is insist on twatty Disney dad paying a proper amount of maintenance EVERY week and I would be having a word with DD about the realities of life.

You would be sacrificing a great education for a passable one.
You wold hardly see her.
The spoiling would wear off as reality of full time parenthood hits of TDD.

And when it invariably breaks down and he sends her back to you how will she feel then.

Definitely a no from me.

can you work from home, can you work at the kindy, ?
whether you send your dc to live with their dad is your own decision but if you want help earning money, thats another matter. you dont have to work in retail.
you could do washing up at lnchtime in a cafe or something?

Do you WANT them to go, you've mentioned college.

It's your decision to make, but you do sound ground down at the moment, you need to make absolutely sure this is what you want to happen.

Would it be possible to work with him in any way to attend college whilst having a more even split?

Would he work with you, or is he just looking to get the kids to move in?

He is just looking to get the kids moved in if I am honest.

He is a controlling selfish arse who has always belittled the was I parent and of course he will always be the better parent for them

The distance thing is a big deal here in Aus (fellow mners who have been to Perth or live here would be able to agree).

Which I is why I need my license and a car. Bit I just can't afford either at this moment.

*the way

I would never do this.

You say your youngest will be starting kindergarten next year? Things will start to get easier then bit by bit.

Get the maintenance recalculated, it's ridiculous he is only paying that much. Is he lying about his income?

Stay where you are. You dont have to move.

Your situation will change as your children become school age full time it will open up more options for study and work.

View you work/finance situation as temporary whereas your kids are forever. I know the two are linked.

This thing about having fun with you kids - this can be done anywhere. Playing chasey, hide a seek, bubbes, picnics, crazy outdoor paints, pavement chalks, daft dress up in mums clothes. Nature hunts...camp building.

Sounds to me like you are rasing your kids in well chosen safe area with good schools - these are good priorities to have and I'd place them over a beach any day.

Can you sit and explain this to you 8 year old about why you live where you live. That keeping the beach as a 'special' thing when visiting dad is cooler thing to do?

I dotn know how benefits etc work in Aus - is there a info place you could got to make sure you are getting everything?

Get through this. It's not permanent...don't let him win and don't discuss your child moving in anymore...not with the child and not with him It will ultimately confuse your child.

Is he earning a low wage?

Absolutely no way.

Call the CSA again, they can't have his correct wage if they reckon you're only entitled to $30.

Will more options open up when your youngest is in school for work?

Exactly as others have said, this is temporary, if he gets hold of them it's going to be difficult/impossible to get them back,

The schools etc are better where you are, it's easy for a child to be lured by a Disney life by the beach.

He obviously has no interest in helping you or thinking about what would be better for the children, only getting them to move down with him.

I would not do it, on the basis that that's not what you want.

Have you enough money to get by, and your just worrying about not being able to afford the things he can?

I would make a list of all the good reasons for staying where you are:

Good neighbourhood
Low crime
Great schools

Then the downside:

Expensive
Isolated
No money for driving lessons
Can't get a job
Children want to live with dad

Then look at your options to remove these 'blocks':

Move house to more affordable area
Move closer to an area with jobs and public transport
Move to cheaper area and save for driving lessons

They all involve moving. So the choice boils down to: move or lose your children. Which would be worse, moving house or letting the children go?

If you follow that logic I think you will see that the only option is to move.

I'd move closer to him, get a cheaper home, go for 50/50 care and work part-time. I get what you're saying about not wanting to move but it sounds like pride - just because its following him doesn't mean it's intrinsically a bad idea if you are on your bones and can't sustain living where you are. It needn't be so all or nothing. Don't give up your kids but do give yourself a break from trying to sustain this impossible situation.

I think only to move near if it is a monthly thing if being short for money ir is it for the extras.

Id find it hard to sacrifice a good school and area tbh

I think you have to move and move schools either way. When couples split up finances change and adjustments often have to be made.

There must be people who live in more affordable areas with perfectly good schools and better transport for work around Perth. That will free up more money for you and increase chances of getting a job and affording driving lessons.

Perhaps delay any decisions until you know how much you will be getting from CSA next month.

Bottom line is that your ex has already proven that he won't put your children's welfare first. He had the choice of being near them and seeing them far more frequently than he currently does - he chose to move away from them, because he would rather be with his girlfriend and fit in with her family life.

You are on here agonising over how you can help your children have the best future and juggle limited resources to make things work for you all. He's buggered off to his beachside shagpad and is now summoning his children because that's now more convenient for him.

That in mind, do you really need to question what's best for the children?

Thank you all. Definite food for thought.

We are not on the best of terms. As in we don't speak. At . All. This was after me calling him out on the lack of time he spent with the DCs (EOW is very recent).

I think I am going to tell him that I will be standing by my 50/50 is the most I will ever go and say that I will be willing to move closer of he will too. Meet in the middle ground so to speak.

He is due to be moving in to a bigger house with his GF by the end of the year anyway.