Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To wonder when we are ever going to get 'normal' family time.

29 replies

mameulah · 21/06/2014 21:19

DISCLAIMER - I know that we are all very lucky and have it easier than lots and lots of people.

But...

My DH works VERY hard. VERY, VERY hard. He has his own company and leaves the house very early and comes home about 7 at night. We now have a toddler and any day our second child is due.

I am absolutely sick, so sick and tired of not having any weekend time together. And of not have any time as a couple.

Anyone else in the same boat? And how do you cope? I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.

And please don't tell me that he doesn't have to work that hard. He certainly isn't going to stop any time soon.

OP posts:

TTTatty · 21/06/2014 21:27

Does DH work everyday? If he is working weekends then I think you need to just start planning things to do at the weekend that are different to everyday 'stuff' and get out and enjoy yourself!

mckenzie · 21/06/2014 21:29

Mamaeulah, I wish I could say would you'd like to hear. DH and I have been married for over nearly 15 years and have two DCs, age 13 and 9.

It's still like that for us now, after all these years.
It's always "I just need to get this project out the way" and "it will calm down she so and so is finished" but it's never happened.
Sorry to be the bearer of bad news but don't expect any changes from your DH , if he's anything like mine.
I've given up now, I've just this week taken my wedding ring off as I don't feel we have a marriage. I feel like I'm a single mum with a strange man in my bed.
Talk to your DH now! Nip it in the bud. If you can.
Good luck. I'm SOS sorry you are so unhappy and I really feel for you. At least my children are older.

RandomMess · 21/06/2014 21:30

Did he work this hard before you had DC1? If he didn't what has changed that he is now working more? If he did then had you discussed him doing less after DC1 was born?

LaurieFairyCake · 21/06/2014 21:32

If yes always been like this he might be a workaholic

And if he's always been like this why did you expect it to change just because of a second baby?

Did he promise he would? What does he think about you doing everything?

mathanxiety · 21/06/2014 21:33

I think your DH needs to get disciplined enough to allow at least one day per week when he isn't completely engaged with work.

Working to the extent that your family isn't even on your radar isn't healthy in any way. It's an addiction.

Cookiepants · 21/06/2014 21:34

My DH and I work in the NHS and we work 13 hour days 4 days per week (not inc. DH commute). We can't afford childcare so are working opposite shifts. It will be one in one out for the foreseeable future - it stinks

snickers251 · 21/06/2014 21:48

Same boat here, self employed dh with too much work and refusing to take anyone on until winter (the busy season)

Dc 3 and 15m and rarely see dh except for mornings before he leaves for work

He does occasionally have the odd Sunday off but it's usually because we have plans with friends or family because funny enough we don't have enough time for them either

I long for the day when we can have a nice day at home just the 4 of us

The one thing we do have is have a 2 week holiday booked for September and I can't bloody wait!!

Billygoats · 21/06/2014 21:51

DH works away for weeks/months at a time and when he is In this country he works long shifts preparing. It's rubbish but we just cherish any time we do manage to find together as a family.

Before dd arrived, I worked and lived away from him too. We saw each other very rarely. If I get a few weeks with him home now I'm sick of him as i bece so independent :p

Original poster

mameulah · 21/06/2014 22:02

First off, he isn't a workaholic. Whenever he can take a day off he is able to chill and doesn't check his phone fifty times a day or whatever.

Second off, he has tried very hard to employ people to help him. They have nearly all proved to be total liabilities and he has had to spend a lot of time getting rid of them.

Third off, we are in year five of a small business. Things are getting easier. Financially we don't struggle as we have in the past. But his time is still consumed getting things done. I didn't expect it to change because we had babies. I expected it to change because he had employed people to support him. As I explained before that hasn't worked out.

I definitely do a good job of finding ways to keep busy and occupied over the weekend. And I have started creating new routines that he can enjoy before and after work. Swimming or Saturday breakfasts. But I would just love, love LOVE it if we had time to just enjoy being at home together.

And I KNOW I am really lucky. I just feel so frustrated that I am not in a position to change anything.

OP posts:

DomesticSlobbess · 21/06/2014 22:09

DP works his arse off. He works 4 days a week but long, l

DomesticSlobbess · 21/06/2014 22:11

Damn phone!

DP works 4 days a week but long, long hours. Then I work one of his days off then on the other two days DS is at nursery (although only half day). Often he'll work on his days off too. He doesn't get paid overtime but gets it back in lieu although he never takes it back or books holiday! I'm constantly reminding him to but his work is very stressful and he's not always in the position staff wise to just take a week off.

I would love him to work a M

VSeth · 21/06/2014 22:14

Op first off, why bother posting you are so defensive?

DomesticSlobbess · 21/06/2014 22:15

Fucking phone! Aggh!

I'd love him to work Mon-Fri but he despite complaining a lot enjoys his job and has progressed far within his workplace and money has increased a lot since he started which is a bonus. But it does suck sometimes when he leaves at 5am and I don't see him until 9pm sometimes.

PS Mumsnet please change the Post Message button on the mobile website! I always accidently press Done on my iPhone and somehow press Post! Grr!

spookyskeleton · 21/06/2014 22:18

I am not sure what answers you are after as the reason you are not having family time is blatantly obvious!

I appreciate it is due to circumstances out of your control therefore there is no advice that anyone can give you.

GrendelsMinim · 21/06/2014 22:18

I think there's a point at which you realise that there isn't necessarily any light at the end of the tunnel - that this is it, permanently. I think that that then helps in realising that you have to make life work as it is for you, whether that's getting a cleaner, getting an extra car, arranging weekly babysitting, etc.

I think that Gretchen Rubin's suggestion that everyone has to properly focus on the other family membs when they either leave or arrive home is very useful - it sets a much more positive context than someone getting home and immediately turning on the iPhone and answering a message.

EverythingCounts · 21/06/2014 22:21

OK, then I think he needs to look carefully at how he has recruited / chosen employees in the past and work out what's gone wrong there. Because I know from experience with my DH and friends that there are a lot of skilled, competent, experienced people in all sorts of fields currently out of work and finding it hard to get decent jobs - it's been very tough for job seekers for the last few years. So there must be capable folks out there, but either they aren't applying to work for him, or he isn't taking them on. If he can get that right, you could be in a better position. Maybe you could go over that with him?

restandpeace · 21/06/2014 22:25

So he works weekends too? My Dh leaves before 7 and gets home at 7 currently but never works weekends, that would be hard.

mathanxiety · 21/06/2014 22:30

Someone who hasn't managed to find even one reliable employee to work for him is doing something very wrong in the hiring process.

He might also be too much of a perfectionist to delegate properly, or too much of a controlling manager to ever make delegating or allowing the possibility of allowing someone else to take responsibility.

Something is wrong, either way.

caruthers · 21/06/2014 22:34

The ONLY way to improve your time together is for him to work less hours.

How you do that is what you're asking.

KellyHopter · 21/06/2014 22:35

I think it's rare that someone who works constantly (and VERY VERY VERY hard) is doing so purely out of necessity.

I think you need to consider that this is him, this is how he wants it to be and this is how it will stay.

lotsofcheese · 21/06/2014 22:46

Feeling your pain, OP. My DP works long hours (out at 8am, back 8/9pm). We have a 5 year old & 1 year old. I also work, part-time; we have no family support.

But at least he doesn't work weekends. I 'd be a seething ball of resentment if he did.

To a certain degree, I think there is an element of choice about working such hours, perhaps a control thing. And I don't think you can expect a relationship to last if you work 12 hours a day, 7 days a week.

Original poster

mameulah · 21/06/2014 23:33

Mathan

He has more than one employee who he can easily rely on. He has had more than one employee who have tried to take taken the complete piss.

I guess half the problem is that I am now a full time SAHM, which I love being, and when I worked my head was full up of my own stuff. Now I have more time to dwell on things and miss him.

It is all very frustrating...

OP posts:

mathanxiety · 21/06/2014 23:51

OK If he can rely on at least two employees then I think you have to face the fact that he has prioritised work over family time. He could be doing this for several reasons, one of which is addiction (he sees more reward to his ego from work than from being at home) and another is lack of self discipline or poor ability to manage his workload. Another is that he identifies with his work persona much more than he identifies with 'husband' or 'father' - an ego issue related to addiction. It could also be a case of a serious anxiety problem feeling he has to put in long hours or everything will fall apart.

Original poster

mameulah · 21/06/2014 23:53

I definitely agree with the last sentence. Definitely.

It is just so frustrating. I wish I had the skills so that I could offer to help.

OP posts:

mathanxiety · 21/06/2014 23:54

By self discipline I mean the ability to set himself reasonable hours and to stick to them (this involves time management skills, project management skills and management skills in general at work) and it also involves sorting himself out and accepting that he should be present on a predictable and regular basis at home if that is what his wife and children need.

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread