Visiting my mum... 'clocking in'

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

I visit my mum every Saturday and spend not less than two hours with her on any visit. I have a fairly busy job that involves me working and travelling away from home two or three days a week. When I'm around, I take her out on the odd week day in a month that I'm free.

We argued today. Or rather, she argued and I just clammed up. She always wants to know what time I'm arriving on Saturdays. She knows that I always appear on a Saturday. She texts me if she wants anything and I pick it up for her on my way. I'm never there before 12, it's more likely 1pm that I'll arrive.

It is a bit of a non-issue (for me) but I've told her that it's usually going to be 1pm or thereabouts. I don't want to send texts about the time. She complained so much today that I realised that I just don't enjoy these Saturday visits at all, they make me very deflated as they're just a whole heap of complaints and grumbles. She wants to come with me on business trips (which she could, a few of them anyway) but I couldn't abide several hundred miles of grizzling about things she has total control over.

So, if you always visited on a Saturday, between 12pm and 2pm - would you feel the need to send a text? Would you resent being asked to do that? For some reason, I just do not want to. I feel like I'm being controlled and I'm an adult. I'm biting my lip most of the time. Am I being unreasonable to refuse to send a bloody 'clocking in' text?

Yanbu, if it's around the same time every week I don't think there's a need to confirm it.

sorry, you have made a big mistake. never go the same time every week. drop the every saturday.

Much as my Mum would love to see me every Saturday, she would actually prefer me to enjoy my life.

Now, I do enjoy visiting my folks and having them come here but not out of duty but because I actually want to see them. And I do - a lot.

My point - shift visits to when you want to see your Mum.

My parents get pissed off if we are 5 mins late. And they always need an exact time. Even about things that they are not going to be involved in eg when we are going to be driving home from somewhere.

Does my head in.

Mine wouldn't stand for your laxness

Just keep telling her no, I can't say exactly, will be there between 12 and 2. It will probably fall on deaf ears though.

Send her a text saying I'll be there between 12 and 2 ;-)
Then next week just send her 'usual time mum!'

Maybe she would like to know so she can fit her other plans around your visit.

Do you think she just gets anxious about your visits and wants reassurance?

Is she on her own or is there someone there who winds her up by saying 'when is Lying getting here?' 50 times all morning?

Hmmm. I totally get your point but otoh I wouldn't want to have to hang around all Saturday waiting for someone to show up within a two hour slot.

My mum is the same- always has been. It is about control. I agree to try and get out of the habit- just make sure she knows the next time she will see you.
I try to take my dm to somewhere different if I can as often a possible- even a garden centre. Good luck.

Do you always have lunch together or only sometimes? Maybe she just wants to map out her day in advance a little (eg if you arrive for lunch at 2 she might prefer a late breakfast to hold out that long).

I don't think it's unreasonable for you to text her every week with the time if you know it, it doesn't take long to text and it's disrespectful to assume she should sit in waiting for you from 12 if you might get there two hours later (forgive me if I've misunderstood and she's housebound anyway).

On the other hand you shouldn't go and see her every week if you hate it, she'll be picking up on that!

I saw this as my grandparents aged and we cared for them, and now I see it as my own parents age

As we get older, time becomes somewhat of an obsession

I think as our lives become less complicated we focus on what we do have, and knowing that time is a way of looking forward and organising I our minds

As my grandfather got older I would never dream if visibility him after 5.30 because dinner time was 6 pm and he'd just keep looking at his watch and getting agitated

I guess what I am trying to say is that the important of time to our elderly is curious to us, but it's a small accommodation that would make her very happy if you can find it in yourself to oblige

Gosh lots of auto corrects in my post - sorry - hope it still makes sense

Oh lots of replies; thank you.

Thanks CoffeeTea, I don't either but she does.

greenfolder... I don't think she would release me from my visiting; short of telling her that it's sucking the energy out of me and upsetting her... alas. I can't do that.

Yama... That is a good policy. If I did that, I don't know when my next visit would be.

LoveSardines... That make me proper laugh. You have it worse than I do, by a country mile.

Hellokittycat... I could do that. I'll just keep the text and re-send. Today I actually succumbed and sent an advisory text, made the mistake of putting a 'smiley' on it and it showed up on her phone as 'downloadable message' so she couldn't read it. I presented the evidence and she was slightly appeased.

starfishmummy, TickleMePurple and Watercolourfootballs... That's what she says but she never goes anywhere. I pick up her shopping and she tells everybody that she wants no other visitors because it's 'Lying's day' . She waits in for me; but never had any other plans. I've always said that she can go out anytime she wants and I'd delay/come another day if necessary, but no... not good enough. She doesn't eat lunch. If she did, that would be something - I'd carb-load her into peace and quiet.

Imbroglio... there's nobody else there, to wind her up or otherwise. I think she's just bored. She falls out with her friends (two of them) all the time and argues with my SIL. That is the sum total of what she's doing at the moment.

twentyten... I think that is it; she's lonely. She's difficult to get along with. I bring her the TV guide every week. This week there is a picture of Daniel Radcliffe on the cover. Her first words - after 'hello' were a complaint that he's not a good actor and that he's very ugly. What do you say to that? She gets stroppy with cashiers and waiting staff and tell me off if I pull her up on it, then cries in the car. Nightmare! Thanks for the 'good luck' wishes, I need them. I will try the garden centre and waft some poppy flowers under her nose to make her sleep if she gets lairy...

LadyCybilCrawley.. I didn't think that time could be so much of a factor but maybe it is. She keeps saying that her time is her own - and it is - but she obsesses over my Saturday visits.

I truly love my mum and don't want her to realise that we're falling into 'duty visits', which we are. When she's not so dissatisfied with my timekeeping or life in general, she's great. I have to be more considerate of her idiosyncrasies, I think.

Turning this on its head for a different perspective...

Why does she need an arrival time from you, is she preparing a hot lunch that would spoil if her timings weren't spot-on or does she have to hurry back from an activity or clean around to 'be ready' for your arrival?

I couldn't abide several hundred miles of grizzling about things she has total control over.

Lying how old is your mum? She is putting enormous pressure on you to entertain her and make her happy. Can you face this for many many more years.

Personally I would be cruel to be kind mix up the visits a bit maybe go out with her to a social group, if she is elderly there are befriending volunteers all over the country who would support her to get out and about.

Put yourself first for a couple of weeks if you really don't feel you can do that maybe you need to take a closer look at your relationship.

Maybe try and mix up the times and days of your visits. You can't be solely responsible for her happiness.

Do not take her away with you on business

Runesigil... No, she doesn't do any preparation, doesn't need to. We don't eat together, I don't tend to eat lunch ever and she eats a big breakfast and snacks. It was actually a sticking point because she moaned that I didn't take her out to lunch so I made a point of doing it - and then we'd be in the restaurant and she didn't want lunch.

She's a bit like a petulant child. I have three brothers, we're all adults and they haven't patience with her, they don't put in the time and, annoyingly, don't feel 'guilt'. I do and I rush around trying to make up for four children when there's just me.

She complains about her hip - she's had one done, is due for the other. Hasn't heard from the hospital, isn't chasing it up, won't let me do it. Self-diagnoses a lot of things from the tv, self medicates and is then in a pickle because it didn't work. Says our NHS is crap. Makes me seethe.

She sends long texts to my brothers, gets involved in arguments - by text - with my SIL and wonders why my texts are so short and to the point (no scope for argument).

Complains that the house is messy, won't let me get a cleaner in (I would pay for that). Has definite ideas of jobs for 'boys' and jobs for 'girls'. I will happily do them all but as I'm a 'girl', I'm limited and she won't allow it. She then whinges because my brothers won't do the 'boy' jobs. I've told her how ridiculous this is to no avail. I've asked her to stop complaining to me then because if she wants the jobs done, I will do them with a smile. Not good enough.

NothingMoreScareyThanAHairyMary... She's 66. Not elderly by any means. Has mobility problems but good days and bad days and she goes swimming/running in the pool.

Truthfully, whilst I want her around for many years, I can't face spending the amount of time she wants to spend with me. I sometimes palm her off on my husband; they have the same taste in films and he takes her to the cinema... he's a keeper!

I'm trying to think of how best to describe my mum in terms of being a friend. She's a bit like 'Diana' in 'Waiting for God' with an awful lot of 'Pauline Fowler' from 'Eastenders' and a smattering of 'Christian Bale' when she's in a bad mood. She's aggressive and doesn't make friends easily yet is very sensitive. We're very unalike and I wish I knew how to help her.

Thank you so much for your responses, it's cathartic, this. I posted about her a little on Relationships board to another poster's thread a little while ago; (she was the mum) and it was an eye-opener.

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid... I could try that. I suspect that she would want the new days/times AND a Saturday visit though. On the few occasions that I've had to miss a Saturday and taken her out on Friday, she says, "I suppose this means you won't be here tomorrow then...?" with a sad face.

I know I'm not responsible for her happiness; I wish I knew what would help her. She behaves like a little girl around me sometimes and it makes me feel a bit sick. I certainly didn't make her happy today. :(

66!!! You really need to stand up fir yourself this could be your life for the next 30 years have you looked at the stately homes threads as I think there nay be things there that will strike a chord with you?

Your brothers don't feel guilt for not seeing them this really isn't fair on you. You are going to have to develop a tougher skin.

You've got 4 kids? Make plans for a Saturday, that way when you are faced with your mums sad face will be more able to say no as you would be letting your kids down if you backed out of the plans with the kids.

I still think you need to mix it up a bit.

I'll go and look at that thread, NothingMoreScary... I hope I don't turn out like this as I get older, it's very sad.

WhenSheWasBad... No, my mum has four kids (I'm one of them) and trying to make up for the three brothers not doing much at all with her.

I'll give the mixing up a try, it can't hurt. I'm trying to be gentle with her but she spots it as 'weakness' and then cries when I'm firmer. I need to do much better with this because it came to a head today. She is not old and she is capable. She needs to build her own life and make it interesting.

More sympathy. Some folk crush the joy out of anything. I know my dm likes flowers and countryside- hence the garden centres.
I have several absent db too!
Please try to get other parties involved- like cleaner etc or get one for yourself to buy yourself time.
Boundaries are key- I find if I can treat myself I can handle it better.... My dm is 89!

You say she isn't elderly, but to me, this is elderly behaviour. I don't wish to make a sweeping generalisation by all means. I'm talking about my personal experience with people. I have a grandparent in her 80's who I don't think of as elderly because her personality is still the same as always. I have an aunt in her 60's who is decidedly elderly because of the way she acts and reacts to people - similar to your mum, actually.

I wish I had advice.

Oh thank you, twentyten... I remember that she is depressed; and then I remember that she took herself off medication against doctors' advice.

I have to put boundaries in, you're right. I'm an adult now and don't want to feel like an errant child for not making my mum happy; it's her job to make herself happy. I wish she knew how and I wish I knew how to help her do that.

She wouldn't let a cleaner in. I'm going to have a chat with my brothers to see what they're prepared to do to help.

IAmTheGodOfTitsAndWne... You have a point there because it is elderly behaviour. She lies on the settee much of the day, watching tv.

My mum wasn't actually very nice when I was a teen and growing up. I always felt sorry that she had a bad husband (our dad) and made allowances for that. When I moved out I nodded and smiled and that worked fine until I changed jobs three years ago and realised that this wasn't going to work. I got fed up with our relationship not being 'authentic' and started speaking my mind more (but with filters and brakes firmly in place). She definitely hasn't liked that.

My mum keeps saying that she should be allowed to say what she wants without being picked up on it all the time; I've told her that that is her right but that if she says obnoxious (racist, sexist) things to me then I will say something because I don't want to listen to them.

I feel like a cowbag for posting about my mum at all, she really can be wonderful, but today was so, so difficult. :(