Visiting my mum... 'clocking in'

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

I visit my mum every Saturday and spend not less than two hours with her on any visit. I have a fairly busy job that involves me working and travelling away from home two or three days a week. When I'm around, I take her out on the odd week day in a month that I'm free.

We argued today. Or rather, she argued and I just clammed up. She always wants to know what time I'm arriving on Saturdays. She knows that I always appear on a Saturday. She texts me if she wants anything and I pick it up for her on my way. I'm never there before 12, it's more likely 1pm that I'll arrive.

It is a bit of a non-issue (for me) but I've told her that it's usually going to be 1pm or thereabouts. I don't want to send texts about the time. She complained so much today that I realised that I just don't enjoy these Saturday visits at all, they make me very deflated as they're just a whole heap of complaints and grumbles. She wants to come with me on business trips (which she could, a few of them anyway) but I couldn't abide several hundred miles of grizzling about things she has total control over.

So, if you always visited on a Saturday, between 12pm and 2pm - would you feel the need to send a text? Would you resent being asked to do that? For some reason, I just do not want to. I feel like I'm being controlled and I'm an adult. I'm biting my lip most of the time. Am I being unreasonable to refuse to send a bloody 'clocking in' text?

Oh god op I wish you could meet my mum. My gran is similarly petulant sour faced and utterly self centred.

She phoned my mum repeatedly for an hour until she came and changed the batteries in the remote control. ( A fifteen mike round trip) and despite being perfectly physically capable of doing housework won't lift a finger and expected my mum to do it all. She would bombard her with calls if she dared to go a few days without visiting.

In the end my mum realised that however much she gave would never be enough to satisfy her and my gran would keep demanding more and more from her. before It drove her to an early grave or a complete breakdown she started sayimg no. She didn't care what it was doing to my mum and my mum found herself looking forward to the day she died to be free of the burden her.

Switched the answerphone on, stopped answering calls and told her that the choice was a cleaner a home help or she stopped coming altogether and stopped responding to what was effectively emotional blackmail.

Things aren't perfect but are a hell of a lot better now she is able to separate what my gran's wants from what she really needs, her own regret is that she wasted a decade trapped inside an all female version of steptoe and son, being bullied and blackmailed by a conniving old biddy. My gran is 86 and in rude good health (no surprises she takes care to not expose herself to any strain) so you could easily chuck 20 years of your life away.

Does your gran need a friend, ComposHat?

It sounds as if your gran and my mum have a bit in common, sadly.

I was fully expecting to be told to co-operate and be more considerate of my mum. I'm truly saddened that she has everything she wants - ie. time to enjoy being at home and not have to work now that she's retired - and it's not making her happy at all.

She's retired from a job that she seemed to enjoy - although complained about it - and she felt needed. I think she's lost her sense of purpose but honestly, I can't - and don't want to - fill that need for her.

I'm reading and re-reading this thread and then I'm heading over to 'Stately Homes'. I really appreciate the opinions and advice from everyone.

Thing is if my gran met your mum, she'd say something along the lines of 'mrs lying leads her daughter a right merry dance' my gran is so selfish that she doesn't see how vile her own behaviour is.

I have the exact same issue. That is all.

I had very similar with my dad. He couldn't ever just make a casual arrangement in advance and then turn up on the day. I think it's due to insecurity/demanding extra respect on their part- it sometimes felt to me as though he wanted me to ring up and beg him to come IYSWIM.

He also didn't like me and my brother arranging stuff between us, and then telling him what the plan was. He just couldn't cope with the concept of us being grown adults who could talk without needing to run it by him.

I guess to be fair our parents have spent so much of their time micro-managing our lives for us that they can't quite relinquish the control.

Hi op. I think we get caught up in what we feel we ought to do- you are right we are not responsible got our parents happiness- much as we want to fix it leaving us helpless. I have a wise older friend who keeps reminding me.
They make their choices. Boundaries is the word. Do what you feel you can without overloading. Step back and let db pick up the slack. Find a reason you can't do one Saturday.
And try to find ways you can do something you can get some pleasure from with her. V hard I know.

ComposHat... Too true; my mum would be saying the same about your gran, that she leads MrsComposHat a merry dance. They just don't recognise the behaviour at all, do they?

OneStepForwardTwoBack... I'm sorry, huge sympathy for you.

SaucyJack... That is so interesting. My mum has always loved and thrived on micro-managing her children and that hasn't stopped. It's never had a good outcome and it came to a head about 8 years ago when my niece was born. We used to have family birthday dinners - it was my birthday and we were going to go out to a restaurant. My mum told my brother and SIL (without my knowledge) that my 3 week old niece couldn't go... and all hell broke loose. We've never gone out as an extended family since.

It's definitely about my mum's perceptions of 'respect' and acknowledging her position as the matriarch of the family. She gets herself into so many unnecessary arguments because of trying to bend people (who love her) to her will. It doesn't work.

twentyten... I can see that I'm going to need to do just that. Be unavailable for the odd Saturday. My brothers could easily step in - and they should, it's their mother too.

I think my mum would enjoy garden centres, she also enjoys shopping if she doesn't have to walk far. I'll suggest this to her rather than sitting at home with her. My usual thing is to buy all the ingredients to make garlic mash for her. She's mad about the stuff and will eat it wholesale. Not good for her hip as she's supposed to be keeping her weight down. Walking a bit would be better!

So grateful to you all for the good advice - and solidarity. I'm not alone...

I'm sorry but I think you're being very unreasonable. Not giving someone the full picture is a controlling thing to do. Your mum has to block out time when you 'might' be arriving. Perhaps you think she's not doing anything anyway, but that's not how it works. I recently became disabled and have a whole new level of sympathy for what it's like to be elderly. People assume you're just there when actually you have things to do and like to manage your own time just like anyone else.

I think the problem here may be that you don't particularly want to visit her on Saturdays at all, meaning that you feel like you're doing her a good turn so she should shut up and be grateful. Try looking at it as you would do for a friend who had a busy life. Respect her timetable, even if there isn't one.

I can't understand why you don't see this. You're usually so astute.

Just come back from the garden centre with dm. She loves it because it's easy walking, lots to see and nice coffee. People to watch and comment on(!!) and something to talk about. Also far less intense for me. Try it- but let her know in advance - my dm never likes plans to change.
You are making a very big commitment- I do not work full time so have my fun days in the week( which she does not always know about) if you try to change the pattern you might be able to change your own thinking- it is all we can change- no chance with them!

My dm had a hip replacement two years ago but was advised before to walk as much as she could. Amazing what a shiny shop could do for her

I no longer have contact with my father for approximately one zillion reasons, but somewhere on the list of things I can't stand about him is the fact that if I visited he would demand to know an exact time of arrival and if I was so much as a nanosecond late I got the death stare and a talking to about my lack of consideration and how I've spoiled the day for everyone....

My mother on the other hand (my parents are divorced) is totally cool with an "I'll be there between 6am and 6pm" cos she's just cool

So the upshot of this longwindedness is no, you shouldn't have to give her a specific time. Stand firm!

areyoumymother... You make very good points. My mum says she has nothing to do but then, at the same time, says she wants to know when I'm arriving. I don't like it because she gets fixated on the time and I'm clocking watching to make sure that I'm not late.

You're right, I'd rather not do the Saturday visits, they're a duty at the moment and in no way a pleasure (probably not for my mum either). Perhaps I am being churlish in not texting the time and updates; if so I think it's a symptom of being generally annoyed at her conversation when I am there. I either sit there and let her rant and rave about goodness knows what (50% benign/50% vile) in which case she's happy - or I pick her up on the 50% that's horrible, in which case she gets all angry and upset. I honestly feel trapped and can't wait to leave again.

I really could take her on some of my business trips; could drop her off at the beach sometimes when I'm in a coastal location, go and do what I have to do and pick her up again but I can't face being trapped in the car with her. As a result, she doesn't get to go to many places and I know she'd really love to go with me because she's said so. I have to keep fobbing her off.

She is disabled in terms of getting an allowance and she does have a degenerative back condition that is painful. I make allowances for that because being in pain is horrid but she's turning into a very bitter, complaining woman and it's so sad to see... she isn't old at all and she can get around.

twentyten... That's definitely what I'm going to do - the garden centre is a win-win. I smiled at the 'people commenting'. I just hope Daniel Radcliffe isn't randomly walking past when we're there.

Vinomcstephens... This is exactly what my mum is like. Christmas Day dinners at her house have stopped now because of this. The atmosphere was terrible. We now all attend a Christmas Eve 'buffet' and my mum is more relaxed about that. It's still tense though, she just cannot stop telling people what to do/eat/drink.

I've just tried to ring her to see if she's let me accompany her on her next doctor's appointment as the last one went so 'wrong' for her. No answer. I think she's not picking up but I'm away next week and won't be able to talk to her so I've relaxed my texting to send a longer one.

I really hate this; I'm on tenterhooks all the flipping time. I'm probably going to capitulate for peace's sake and agree to a 1pm arrival on Saturday BUT it won't be every Saturday now.

... and yes, Vino, your mum is very cool!

Sounds like a plan! Give her something to look forward to- elderly parents are like toddlers- easier to tolerate out of doors!! Edinburg wool mill is dms idea of heaven- there must be carrier bags....... And oh yes the comments.... "One thing I hate about summer is all the sights of bare flesh that should be covered up......( very loudly.....)

I think you need to change your arrangement because it's not making either of you happy. I used to have the same kind of thing with my mum and really started to resent seeing her because all she seemed to do was moan. I asked to see her fortnightly and she has actually started to see friends when not seeing me and after a long chat has made the effort to be more positive around me, I actually really enjoy her company now because it's less often and we've cleared the air.

I think taking her on trips is a fantastic idea, could you play some of her favourite music in the car or ask her to tell you stories of her past to make the journeys bearable? I also think you might need a chat about her outlook, tell her you're making an effort to see the positive in things and can she help you, perhaps?

as for needing to know when you'll arrive, it's me who does this because I have small children but also have anxiety which means I get ansty when I know someone's coming round so it helps to know a time so I can busy myself until they arrive...could you possibly tell her you'll let her know in the morning what time roughly you'll be there that day even if it's different each week/visit?

Am I the only one thinking - no - don't take her with you on business.

Seriously there will be hours in the car and then all evening and possibly all night with her if you share a room. If you have admin to do she will bug you while you try and do it. No no no

Did you speak to your brothers?

This sounds hideous. Personally, I would find not knowing when a person is arriving really annoying as it would just be silly things that I'd put off eg. Thinking I'd like a cup of tea but then deciding not to as you'd be there in ten or fifteen minutes so we'd have a cup of tea when you arrived so I'd wait until then but then you not arrive.
Having said that, you have my sympathy and I think you have to get out with her. It is like having a toddler (which I have) So much more bearable outside where there are other things to see, the sunshine on your face etc and, hopefully, someone to roll your eyes at. Where do you live? Is there a sea front or a park with a cafe? These would be good as well as garden centres. If it is going to be a garden centre, can you find one with a soft play bit attached as then she will have loads to comment on! The garden centre near us has one and the day I take the DC there is the same day that a lady is clearly doing a duty visit with an elderly female relative. It does amuse me as one week you can hear her loudly commenting on how perfectly behaved my children are, how beautifully they are turned out etc and then another week it will be something along the lines of could you imagine bringing a child out who would behave like that in public, has food smeared over their top etc. The younger relative looked hugely embarrassed by this until I caught her eye one week and winked and then another time said I had a grandmother like that and now I feel as though we're quite conspiratorial. Yes, some people would probably get upset over hearing such comments but I really don't care.

My Mum is 94. She's like this with all the nasty comments about people.It winds me up even though I try not to let it.
I'm in my 60s _ God , I hope I'm not like this and hope mt DDs would tell me if I was.
I do know I have a good line in "Where's my keys/glasses? Trying to stop it!
If the visits feel like a duty OP change things now-it could go on for years.