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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think it's rude to be an hour late even if you are family?

70 replies

Rkg233 · 21/06/2014 13:13

My mum is always late. As a child we always got to school/clubs/parties late.
My parents were meant to be coming round to see DS at 12. They live 45 minutes away and I said to her please can you let me know if you're running late, she said she would. Neither of them are answering their phones and we need to go out this afternoon. This happened a couple of weekends ago as well - they asked what time, we agreed at 11. At 11.30 I rang her and they were still sat at home. I know they're my parents but AIBU to think it's rude to be this consistently late even if they are family?

OP posts:

SecretLimonadeDrinker · 21/06/2014 20:53

My dsis, is terrible for lateness, although she is getting better. So sick of her being late I went out last time she was due to visit, left a note said that I wasn't far away and to ring me when she got to ours so I wasn't wasting my day waiting for her. She has been much better since!

5Foot5 · 21/06/2014 23:49

YANBU - persistent lateness is just rude.

I also agree with happyagainoneday that distance is not necessarily a good excuse. We live quite a way from our families and whenever there is any sort of get together we have much further to travel then anyone else, yet we are almost always the first to arrive. It isn't rocket science, you figure out how long the journey realistically will take, hence what time you need to set off - then that is what you do!!

I remember my Dad drilling it in to me that if you had to be somewhere for a certain time then you always aim to be there 10 minutes earlier, at least, that way you are less likely to be late. On the plus side I don't think I ever missed a train, however as a student I did spend quite some time waiting on the station platform having been dropped off for my train outrageously early in good time.

RedCountryRoads · 22/06/2014 00:08

YANBU. I hate lateness, it drives me mad. But then i'm a nutter. I was early to my own wedding!

MidniteScribbler · 22/06/2014 00:09

I have actually ended a friendship over persistent lateness. The latercomer always seems to think their behaviour is funny or quirky, but they're quite simply rude. They have the attitude that their time is more important than yours, and that their company is so amazing that everyone is happy to wait for them.

fluffyraggies you would no longer receive an invitation from me. You are exceptionally rude.

chipshop · 22/06/2014 01:04

My DSis is like this. Best occasion was when I was doing a race and my family came from all over to watch me. She lived the nearest, an hour away. Turned up after it had finished.

It came to blows on another occasion when she left us all waiting in a busy restaurant for an hour and they were demanding the table back. My DM and I told her straight when she arrived. She cried and said we were horrible. I said I was sick of her thinking her time was more important than mine and the rest of the family and it was selfish behaviour.

She's not been outrageously late since, which is unprecedented, so I suggest tough love with these types...

Filimou · 22/06/2014 07:21

My db and his family are always late. Drives me crackers.
Ironic though, last year he was having everyone round for dinner. We were setting off to leave and DS threw up all over himself and car seat.....
We'd factored in some contingency time for traffic etc but knew this could make us a bit late.
We called DB (and said dont wait for us to start/would it be easier to come for drinks after instead etc) who had a huge tantrum at us for putting him out. Turns out he was doing a bbq and had spent a lot of time "getting all the stuff together".

Lepaskilf · 22/06/2014 07:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KatieKaye · 22/06/2014 07:32

I am phobic about being late, I get panic attacks so I always make sure I leave in plenty of time . Often I'm ultra early and am happy to go for a coffee etc to while away the time. My Dad was chronically late (I used to literally be sick with anxiety over this) so I think it stems from this.

It's just rude to constantly be late. Everyone has priorities and things to do in their lives and being late (not on a one off because of unforeseen incidents etc) just sends a message that a) you are more important than everyone else and b) you do not value them enough to make the small effort yo turn up on time.

OP, I would just go out. I wouldn't leave a note. Let them contact you and then just say that as they didn't turn up you waited an hour and when there was no message couldn't hang around any more. Don't contact them first, because that puts the ball back in their court and they'll say they are just coming and make out YABU.

Being late is game playing, so change the rules and play your own game and see how they like it! Once the attention is diverted off them you will gain some control and feel a lot better.

s88 · 22/06/2014 07:33

Are you me ?! my mom does this and it drives me (and everyone else) insane.

It is laziness imo

PenguinBear · 22/06/2014 07:36

I agree, I hate to be late and think it's rude when people are!

WorkingBling · 22/06/2014 07:42

I have had to change my preferred Sunday eating time as sis and sil are incapable
Of arriving at the time I ask them to. They will not arrive before 1. Ever. It's very irritating but has saved my sanity.

I did have a go at my sister once when they arrived so late I was literally dishing up as they arrived. It was a big family occasion and we had agreed we would do it at my house. I was furious that I landed up doing all the prep alone, with no company. She's been a bit better since. And did the washing up that day!

Xcountry · 22/06/2014 07:43

Some people are late, I am also consistently late, with 4 kids its hard not to be. Just get on with whatever shit you have to do and let them catch up in their own time so it doesn't inconvenience you. I wouldn't think that I am 'rude' by being late I would think that I am disorganised and having a mare of a day and something has come up, however I also wouldn't expect anyone to hang around waiting on me for ages and I would catch them up when I could.

KatieKaye · 22/06/2014 07:57

If you are consistently late then you are consistently rude and consistently disorganised.
Using your children or distance as an excuse doesn't mitigate the fact you can't be arsed to make the effort to be on time.
Do you rock up late to work? What would think if the teacher didn't bother turning up on time for school or if A and E had no staff because they couldn't be bothered either?
For every mum with 4 kids who can't be bothered to be on time there is at least 1 who manages, so you are kidding yourself that it can't be done. You just can't be bothered and you're sending a crap message to your DCs.

GnomeDePlume · 22/06/2014 08:37

But just getting on with something else isnt always possible. You may have arranged to meet that person to do a specific thing. By being late you are then throwing responsibility onto the person you have already inconvenienced by not turning up on time:

they now have to decide whether that thing will actually happen
if it was something for which you were a vital ingredient (eg having lunch with you) then that event can no longer take place. Food may be wasted or a reservation cancelled
does this event have to be rebooked? This may cost the person further time, inconvenience and expense

Just get on with whatever shit you have to do is just plain rude as it assumes that the person who has been effectively stood up can just carry on until Miss Tardypants deigns to turn up. It ignores the effort the punctual person put in to be punctual.

brokenhearted55a · 22/06/2014 08:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IShallCallYouSquishy · 22/06/2014 09:04

My FIL is terrible for this. "Will be there between 10:30-11:00" ok fine giving a time frame but to then turn up at 11:30? Grrrr. He lives a 20 minute drive away

Janethegirl · 22/06/2014 09:09

fluffieraggies are you secretly hoping mil will stop inviting you? Because I would.

RiojaHaze · 22/06/2014 09:09

My DP is like this and it's totally rude. His attitude is that he's in no rush and people should wait for him, and thinks that they're rude for not!

He missed one of our baby scans as he was late, his brothers wedding started late as he was best man and they had to wait for him and we had to walk in late to one of my friends weddings as he was late. Drives me bonkers!

YANBU

Tangerinefairy · 22/06/2014 09:13

Yanbu at all. I find this unbearable. We have some really lovely friends that do this every single bloody time and it is difficult to be nice about it. There kids have had similar experiences to the ones you describe and that makes me feel sad for them. I don't know what to do about it though. I really do like them very much and when they are actually here they are fabulous friends. I just don't get it. Why is it so hard to be vaguely on time???

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 22/06/2014 09:14

Rooks your dp sounds like a bit of an arse with an attitude like that.

fairylightsintheloft · 22/06/2014 09:15

can't abide lateness but actually if you read fluffyraggies post I don't think she IS being late in the way that is being complained about. She is telling her ILs upfront what time they will be there. If her and her DH work full time, weekends are pretty jammed packed with stuff to do and its not unreasonable to not want to sacrifice the whole of sunday morning. Realistically, leaving at 10am means doing nothing much useful before you go and unlikely to get much done when you get back. Its the MIL choice not to proceed without them. HOWEVER, Xcountry s approach would piss me off hugely. I have a friend like this who was even late to my sodding wedding becuase her DD needed a nappy change as they were leaving , but they were leaving her with GP, so could have just left them to it AND they had obviously left zero contingency time. If she's aiming for a 2.30 train she'll get to the station at 2.28 and then wonder why she misses it. Seriously, she can be up to two hours late for stuff and pretty much misses the whole thing, arrives just when others are leaving who then feel obliged to stay longer to see her. Its unbelievable rude. An occasional hold up fine, but habitual lateness is inexcusable and I say that as someone who lives a long way from work, the CM, family, most friends etc. We are on the M25 all the time and factor it in.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 22/06/2014 09:15

Rioja not Rooks.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 22/06/2014 09:29

I don't think Fluffyraggles is being rude at all, and I can't abide lateness, but that's if it's unplanned or without warning. She has said upfront what time she will be able to arrive and they are events that can proceed without everyone being there, I'm sure she wouldn't do it for a wedding or similar. This happens in our family with one lot of people living much further away than others, no one seethes at all but are grateful that they've put themselves out to come as it is so much more effort than it is for everyone who lives just up the road. And they eat lunch without them, no problem.

KatieKaye · 22/06/2014 09:41

How isn't it rude to inform everyone else you will turn up 2 hours late and make them wait because you can't be bothered to make an effort. Most busy working parents can manage to be punctual and also have jammed packed weekends. fluffy just doesn't want to make an effort even though she knows that means everyone will be sitting waiting - that is incredibly rude. Wonder if they spend the time speculating why she can't get her finger out and realise she's pissing everyone else off and keeping them from doing things in their equally busy lives?

Halsall · 22/06/2014 09:43

I have family members like this. I'm one of those people so terrified of being late that I'm usually early, so it drives me insane. Especially when they come to visit my elderly Dm and Df, who struggle to get a meal together for everyone and then have to wait until the guilty party deign to appear, usually at least an hour later than was agreed.

I now tell them to assume that they'll be late and adjust timings accordingly, though of course they shouldn't have to.

It's all down to SIL, who is completely incapable of doing anything on time, calmly, methodically and without fuss

It's infuriating and yes, they are BU and rude, massively so.

I would go out if I were you, OP.

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