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Original poster

To feel my brothers recent relapse is my fault?

48 replies

KeepOnPloddingOn · 21/06/2014 09:15

I have been sober two plus years. Been a long time member of AA, despite only being mid twenties. Life is good, I graduated from good Uni, have a lovely dh and a beautiful baby and one en route. I have lots of wonderful friends and family and finally things are good for me.

Unfortunately, AA here is diabolical and I rarely attend it now. Recently my family have been pushing for me to go with my younger brother as he has the problem also (prevalent in my family- on both sides)

My brother and I have made some half hearted attempts to go, but only managed once. He often cancels , but I have to. Now I feel awful, like I should have pushed it more and actually gone (despite the meetings being poor here) - as he ha recently relapsed. He is ok, but it is only a matter a time before bedlam commences. I am going to ring him and ask him to go to one with me tomorrow - doubt he will now, it's too little too late methinks. I feel angry at myself , but also resentful that I am made to feel responsible for his sobriety- he is, after all, a grown man- and only he can get himself sober.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 21/06/2014 09:18

The key is in your last sentence. I can see why you're questioning yourself but you're not responsible for him.

Congratulations on your sobriety by the way.

Chocotrekkie · 21/06/2014 09:19

You are responsible for you - he is responsible for himself.

He made the choice not to go to the meetings and as you said often cancelled.

Would going to the poor meetings really have made much difference ??

CrystalSkulls · 21/06/2014 09:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ronmione · 21/06/2014 09:22

No it's not your fault. If your brother wants to give up it has to come from him, no amount of encouragement will get him there if he's not ready yet. All you can do is be there when he is ready, until then don't blame yourself, and don't let anyone else blame you either.

From my experience addicts and close family tend to gloss over the addicts behaviour and focus their anger on other member of the family who they percive as "could have done more".

MaryBennett · 21/06/2014 09:22

I think you have done really well just getting yourself to a happy place. You are not responsible for your brother but I am sure you will continue to be supportive , when you are able to. You're busy. You have your own life. He has to want AA for himself.

Original poster
KeepOnPloddingOn · 21/06/2014 09:22

I just need to hear people say it's not my fault - as guilt is a real character defect of mine :/ I still feel ill with worry something bad will happen to him. The meetings are poor, but they're meetings all the same.

I shall push for him to come tomorrow. I doubt he will though- he will be in the midst of a binge.

OP posts:
Original poster
KeepOnPloddingOn · 21/06/2014 09:24

Tbh I need meetings too. I prefer going on my own though as I feel I can share more openly. Would feel bad going without him though, and I know my mum would be upset a bit if I did.

OP posts:
Ronmione · 21/06/2014 09:30

I completely understand that you feel guilty, but try not to take it on board. It's not your fault. Neither is it your responsibly to get him to meetings.
Your mum needs to direct her sadness at the appropriate person. Don't get me wrong I feel for your mum,

Chippednailvarnish · 21/06/2014 09:38

Your Mum could always go with him and as you know the only person who can stop a drinker is the drinker.

Nanny0gg · 21/06/2014 09:45

I thought the whole point of AA was that you, yourself, had to be open and ready for it.

Has he got a sponsor? (Obviously shouldn't be you) Does it work that way in the UK? They're the ones that could help him.

And don't let your mother guilt trip you. It's not your responsibility.

DoJo · 21/06/2014 09:50

Don't feel bad - you have done the work you needed to get sober and he hasn't. That's all there is to it. If he was serious about sobering up, then he would have found the time to go to AA, found someone else to go with or just gone on his own - presumably that's what you did?

Scarletohello · 21/06/2014 09:54

It's not your fault. It is his responsibility. He definitely needs a good sponsor who can help him. Don't let your family guilt trip you either. You're doing great!

Original poster
KeepOnPloddingOn · 21/06/2014 09:58

I did do it all myself at 20. None of my family knew. I relapsed after a few yeas, sober again now. I am aware AA is about you, yourself getting sober with a sponsor. However - AA is also about helping others. The primary purpose is stay sober AND help others achieve sobriety. I feel with my brother I have failed the latter part.

OP posts:
heraldgerald · 21/06/2014 10:11

I think you should cut yourself some slack. You have a young family and your pregnant. You've been sober yourself for five years with a relapse- surely your brothers descent is bringing up difficult feelings associated with your own recovery? You absolutely are not responsible for your brothers sobriety. Certainly at the moment your capacities are stretched and it is ok to say now is not the right time for you to be his main support.

Of course you are worried for him. But he has to be ready for sobriety himself, absolutely ready.

Congratulations on your many successes. You should feel extremely proud of what you have achieved.

Original poster
KeepOnPloddingOn · 21/06/2014 10:18

Thanks herald it is hard as I remember all too we'll the hopelessness he must feel. I know as we'll my mother must be very sad- and my father.

I know I need to disassociate. I have asked him to go a meeting with me tomorrow... I hope he does. I feel he won't.

OP posts:
Original poster
KeepOnPloddingOn · 21/06/2014 10:19

Auto-correct seems to prefer we'll over well ...

OP posts:
FluffyPiggle · 21/06/2014 10:21

The problem with addiction is that it's one step forward and about 5 steps back but yes ultimately it's his responsibility and until he takes some things won't change unfortunately. Are there services in another area or different groups etc you can try? X

Original poster
KeepOnPloddingOn · 21/06/2014 10:24

Fluffy- yea there are... Though I am not one for anything else other than AA. It's all that works for me- and most alcoholics I know. My brother has also been involved in other such things- though they haven't worked for him either. Abstinence is key - and sadly, many try the 'controlled drinking' route as a way to treat you. I find it baffling.

OP posts:
Original poster
KeepOnPloddingOn · 21/06/2014 10:25

Fluffy- yea there are... Though I am not one for anything else other than AA. It's all that works for me- and most alcoholics I know. My brother has also been involved in other such things- though they haven't worked for him either. Abstinence is key - and sadly, many try the 'controlled drinking' route as a way to treat you. I find it baffling.

OP posts:
Pinkandpurplehairedlady · 21/06/2014 10:40

You can't control else's drinking. Remember step 1 - it doesn't just apply to you it applies to everyone, you are powerless over someone else's drinking. All you can do is plant the seed and hope it grows.

Do you have a sponsor you could chat to?

Pinkandpurplehairedlady · 21/06/2014 10:42

Also, have you tried al-anon? I go to both AA for me and Al-Anon for other people in my life. It really helps you to detach x

Original poster
KeepOnPloddingOn · 21/06/2014 11:20

Thanks pink wise words. I no longer have a sponsor, real lack of females here- that are sane ... ;)

I have tried al anon and it is good. There isn't any meetings here though. Once I get driving it will improve. I plan to be driving by next year to escape this small town madness :)

OP posts:
Eeyore86 · 21/06/2014 11:20

Controlled drinking does work for some people though, I work in alcohol services in the north east and we are person centred so the patient sets the goal (abstinence, social drinking) and we work towards that, if someone is physically dependant on alcohol then the safest thing for that person is to stabilise their drinking and then begin a reduction plan.

My service has specific options for patients that want to remain abstinent including a recovery centre only for abstinat people, your local services may offer something similar?

Good luck to your brother, it certainly isnt your fault and congratulations on your recovery

Sicaq · 21/06/2014 12:06

You are not responsible for him in the least: I grew up around alcoholism and wild horses won't make someone seek treatment until they want/accept that they need to.

You've done so well, by the way, to face your illness head on, especially at your young (to me Blush) age. I'm proud of you, even though I don't know you Thanks

DoJo · 21/06/2014 12:23

It doesn't sound like you are in a position to help him though - you are family, which complicates things far more than if you were just a fellow AA atendee, and you have got enough on your plate keeping yourself sober and safe and managing your other commitments without taking responsibility for someone who is not ready to do that for themselves. Especially if you think that helping his recovery could have had a negative effect on yours, then that is all the justification you need - you have your kids to think about and they have to be your priority so you can't jeopardise that for your brother, not matter how much you might want to support him.