To feel my brothers recent relapse is my fault?

[KeepOnPloddingOn]

I have been sober two plus years. Been a long time member of AA, despite only being mid twenties. Life is good, I graduated from good Uni, have a lovely dh and a beautiful baby and one en route. I have lots of wonderful friends and family and finally things are good for me.

Unfortunately, AA here is diabolical and I rarely attend it now. Recently my family have been pushing for me to go with my younger brother as he has the problem also (prevalent in my family- on both sides)

My brother and I have made some half hearted attempts to go, but only managed once. He often cancels , but I have to. Now I feel awful, like I should have pushed it more and actually gone (despite the meetings being poor here) - as he ha recently relapsed. He is ok, but it is only a matter a time before bedlam commences. I am going to ring him and ask him to go to one with me tomorrow - doubt he will now, it's too little too late methinks. I feel angry at myself , but also resentful that I am made to feel responsible for his sobriety- he is, after all, a grown man- and only he can get himself sober.

In AA, the first step is crucial.

Admit there is a problem.

That has to come from him - you (and your family) can't admit this for him.

If you are not comfortable with your group, is there another not too far away you can join or refer him to? The importance of anonymity in AA is huge, and attending with a close family member denies you that.

You are not responsible for another adult's actions, and if your family are implying otherwise, they are being very unreasonable. If it is your "inner voice" blaming you, tell it to sod off.

Congratulations on your long term sobriety.

Well done for looking after yourself. It's all you can do. It doesn't really matter if the meetings are rubbish. Just go, keep well and be there fir your bitter when he's ready to join you. Being sober, well and happy is the most positive message of recovery and hope you can offer your brother. You've too much to risk losing if you take on the guilt and responsibility that isn't yours. Call him and keep offering to go with him but know that it'll be in his time and when he's ready.

You are absolutely not to blame - you know that so try not to feel guilty.
Having had problems with alcohol yourself you know what it takes, not only to reach out for help but to continue it as well.
I know you've heard it before but I'm still going to throw the 3 C's at you ;)
Your db just wasn't ready for this stage, hope he is next time.
I also don't think it works well when the 'sponser' type person is too close to you - in your case your db - it kind of allows him to take the piss a bit and remove the accountability in regard to attending meetings etc.
Well done to you on your sobriety Xx

Eeyore -
That's interesting - the person close to me who has/had a problem with alcohol was told NEVER to drink again, don't even try it, it is your enemy etc..etc... He is relatively young and can't/won't accept he won't ever drink again and so the vicious circle of - few drinks/guilt/binge/more guilt/mayhem - starts again.

Eyesore, that's VERY dangerous advice alcoholics.

I.e. A person who is physically dependent on alcohol to attempt to reduce or to drink socially.

I think, in fairness, Eeyore meant 'social drinking' after the physical dependence was dealt with.
I took it as after safely detoxing from the alcohol - then they can work on it.
That said - a person physically addicted to alcohol is currently told (by GP, alcohol team) to reduce by themselves before entering a detox, so that part in itself isn't dangerous, so long as there's still alcohol going in (in surprisingly small levels) it will prevent seizures.

CarbeDiem understood what I meant but apologises for any confusion if physically dependent it is dangerous to stop drinking suddenly due to the risks of serious withdrawal symptoms ie fits as a service we advise people to stabilise their intake before starting a reduction and any reduction that is started is 10% of the total usage or less anything greater then 10% and you risk withdrawal.

For some people they develop an alcohol problem, get help/treatment and then are able to socially drink at a layer date, a large number of people that come Into treatment do not want to be abstinant, so these people are helped to reduce alcohol to a safer level that they are happy with this is done with involvement from the service nurses and doctors if necessary, if people don't want to stop drinking then they won't.
Also, if someone wants to continue to drink on a social level a detox would not be suitable unless it was an emergency hospital admission where it had to be done.

We've had some brilliant success stories of people who are abstinent, including people who have accessed AA for additional support and of that works for you then it's brilliant but it doesn't work for everyone (abstinence or AA) and we've also had brilliant success stories of people who have gone back to drinking socially, returned to work improved family relationships etc

It's all down to what the individual wants to achieve and if they don't want to stop drinking then they won't unless people want help there isn't much that you can do other then offer harm min advice

People can only be helped when they want to help themselves. You are not responsible for your brother's drinking only your own.

Thanks for all the helpful, warm and encouraging responses.

Just to clarify : I am in no way trying to sponsor my bro! I just to take him meetings to hopefully meet a male who can help. I know I am being overly - optimistic...

Eeyore - I see what you are saying: some people need detoxing before abstinence. My brother probably would not. Thanks though.

Carbe- what's the 3 cs!? I have been in AA six years and do not know this one ... Am I missing out :(

It's more of an Al-Anon one.

I Didn't Cause It, I Can't Control It, I Can't Cure It.

I am a problem drinker and don't want to have just one or two, socially or otherwise. I want to get drunk.

Years of drinking have changed my brain chemistry and pleasure receptors. I have been trying to moderate my whole life and have failed, so abstinence is the only way for me.

This annoys me sometimes, but it least all I have is an addiction, and as long as I continue to avoid alcohol, it is curable.

Well done OP, and best of luck to your brother.

Massive contradiction there

"Curable" in that the effects of it can be nullified.

Thanks Jesse. I like the 3 C's and shall remember that one. Yeh it ain't curable as such...but we can recover a day at a time. Ikwym :)

I don't go to A.A any more either but the daily reprieve is the best bit of advice I took from it

Yeh - that and constant thought of others (I struggle with that one! But when I am selfless I feel better) do you miss it?

I miss some of the people who really are walking the walk r.e others, but not the drama and backstabbing from the small but vocal majority in my area. I like reading sober blogs and the dry threads on here.

It had to come from me and the condition is, as they say, "cunning, baffling and powerful" so I can easily start to slip back into denial. It must be so hard for you with your brother but it really isn't your responsibility. You will be there when he is ready

I'm 3 and a half years clean and sober in AA and latterly CA, I don't have family members who are back out but I do have friends out there at the moment. It's hard to get that balance between offering help and taking on responsibility that isn't mine. I was told by someone I respect who is sober 20 years that people have to meet you half way, it can't be me putting in all the effort, if I offer to meet someone at a meeting and they cancel I don't resent them for it but I just ask them to contact me if it's something they want to do and then go about my own recovery. He knows you're in recovery, he knows there are meetings - you have to just detach with love and leave the door open but don't waste your energy chasing after him. Helping other people recover is also about being a good example of recovery working, sometimes that's about having strong healthy boundaries and using them to keep yourself well.
You sound like a kind, loving tolerant person, we can't help any addict by getting drawn into the madness with them, it's about being there when they're ready to come out of it.

Thanks Enid. We'll done on your sobriety and clean time. Your point about having healthy boundaries is particularly enlightening - thanks. I have asked him to go tomorrow , wether he will is up to him.

yesjess where abouts are the sober threads you describe on here?

Did your brother actually want you to go to meetings with him or was it just something your family were pushing? The whole point is that it's anonymous, he might not want to go with someone he knows. You are not responsible for his recovery or relapse, he has to be ready to quit for himself.

topaz he did want to go with me- he doesn't like going alone. But he would often cancel. He obviously isn't ready. I just have to accept that.

It's not your fault, OP. He has to want this; if he doesn't then he won't go. To have you attend with him as a crutch is nice, but it shouldn't be the reason he doesn't make it. He's an adult. Congratulations on what you've achieved and don't let anybody put a 'monkey on your back'.

In Relationships. Here is the latest for abstainers:

Dry

There are links on there to some excellent sober blogs by contributors as well

Thanks jesse - you are a star :)

lying thank you :)