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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To hate "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger"?

100 replies

AndHarry · 20/06/2014 20:32

Really? The really painful experiences I've had have just made me feel tired, anxious and worn down. The last thing I want to hear is that I'm crap at suffering because I'm missing the learning experience that will make me stronger.

Or is it just me?

OP posts:
mamaabc · 20/06/2014 22:57

Like when people say... God never gives you more than you can cope with. . At times me thinks the good lord overestimates my capacity though.

CallMeExhausted · 20/06/2014 23:03

The same disease that took my first daughter is now working its magic on my youngest. She had had a period of extreme illness, but for about a year, was reasonably stable.

However, over the last 6 months, she has lost her ability to swallow, has uncontrollable seizures, is developing dementia (at age 8)... basically, things aren't looking great right now. She goes in for another MRI next week to find out if she has had another stroke.

Recently, I have herd the following:

At least you had one decent year
You survived losing DD1
You can handle it
She's fine, you're overly concerned
You were lucky to have her while you did (ummm, she's not gone yet)

and all sorts of other shite. I honestly wonder if I were to turn some of these comments back on the people who said them, would they even realise what they are saying?

But to turn this toward a more positive note, is there anything positive that people could say/offer instead?

Aside, of course, from "if you need anything, just let me know"

That one is more made up than the tooth fairy...

LucyBabs · 20/06/2014 23:04

Agree with you greylady
Irritates the shit out of me when I hear 'Oh such and such is such a fighter, she beat cancer' No she was just bloody lucky!

My Mum fought and wanted to beat cancer but really she had no say in how it turned out.

Cancer doesn't think this person has a positive attitude I'll back off!

ComeHeather · 20/06/2014 23:08

Agree it's a totally rubbish saying. What doesn't kill you often leaves you half bloody dead in the short term and scarred and anxious in the long term.

What hasn't killed me has left me worn out and fractured in many ways.

CallMeExhausted · 20/06/2014 23:11

thegreylady exactly.

The implication that if you believe the right way, or pray harder, or have more faith or rattle the right crystals/apply the right oils when the moon is waning that all will be well just further blames those who are struggling.

I can assure the world, I am doing my best...

VerityWaves · 20/06/2014 23:24

What didn't kill me left me very damaged. What am awful saying...

samithesausage · 20/06/2014 23:47

My mum bless her fought cancer and lost. She was determined and fought death. My dad and I watched her. It didn't make her stronger, she died a horrid death. It didn't make my dad stronger, the stress made his disability worse leaving me to care for him. It didn't make me stronger because I fell apart.
All the while she was alive we were strong. She was the family glue. Then she died and we all fell apart.
I hate the "cheer up it might never happen" and "go on love give us a smile" brigade as well.

CallMeExhausted · 20/06/2014 23:57

"Give us a smile"...

That one hurts.

I am so sorry for you losing your mother and your glue, sami

You are in my thoughts. I wish I could do more.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 21/06/2014 00:43

I'm so glad you started this thread. It's full of truth and honesty. I feel like I belong here. It gets too painful when I seem to be walking in a universe just out of sync from other peoples.

Their world looks nice and I hate that I'm excluded. I hate that people actively try to avoid seeing the world I live in. I'll try and reach out to someone, to try and explain what I'm going through, and I'm such a fool, I think they get it, and maybe they do for a second, but then they ping back to their comfort zone, their secure lives where everything happens for a reason, and it's someone's fault if they 'choose' to have an awful life.

I hurt myself by trying to reach out, I wish I could stop it.

I lost my sister, I lost my health, my body, my humanity, dh left and I don't know how much longer Ds will be ok as he may have what my sister and I have, maybe symptoms starting. Like so many on this thread, it's hard to carry on, but what's the alternative? There's no option not to carry on.

I like the bear hunt analogy.

usualnamechanger · 21/06/2014 00:57

Callme I am sorry about what you are going through. I have said 'if you need anything, please let me know' and I mean it. I know not everybody does, unfortunately. Sort of: I would love to see you again. Ok, I am free ...this month. Sorry can't do. Sad

PrincessBabyCat · 21/06/2014 01:05

Can we add this to the list of sayings I absolutely loath. Along the same vein of "God only gives his hardest battles to his strongest soldiers"?

It's been making it's way around facebook, and makes me cringe every single time.

To hate "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger"?
Gumblossom · 21/06/2014 01:15

I really hate that saying Princess. Actually, there is no bloody God, because if there was, he wouldn't have given more than I can handle, which he has done. So actually, he is a masochist, if he exists.

I have had more than I can handle. I have had loss after loss, and yes I am here, along with all the other survivors of loss, but I really don't feel stronger. Rather, I am a shell of my former self.

The one I really don't like (at he moment), that my mother uses all the time to cover the fact that she really doesn't care, is, "No news is Good news". That irritates me. How about calling me from time to time to see if I am coping rather than ignoring me?

I am so sorry for your losses.

VeloWoman · 21/06/2014 01:21

What doesn't kill you gives you PTSD, or at least it did with me.

I will never be the same person I was before I had a critically ill baby, and then later when I was trying to cope with his medical needs at home people would tell me god gives special babies to special parents, Fuck That!

My condolences to everyone on this thread who has lost a loved one, it's a tragedy when people die before they should, I am so sorry for your loss.

ScarlettInSpace · 21/06/2014 01:32

I hate 'this too will pass'... yeah I'm sure it will, but it's usually followed immediately by another big pile of shit to deal with...

Am so sorry to read all the posts above, feel a bit like it puts some of my piles of shit into perspective.

To be fair whenever I have said if you need anything please let me know, I have always meant it.

CallMeExhausted · 21/06/2014 01:45

Generally, it is those who have faced struggle who do mean it when they say "if I can help, let me know". It is most likely because they have been on the receiving end of the empty offers.

In the last 3 years I have asked for help exactly once - someone to sit with DD so I could give all my attention to DS for a day of intensive neurological assessment as DH was working midnights at the time and had to sleep as he was in again the following night.

The resounding silence was deafening, and I ended up sitting in a reception room at the consultant's office for 6 hours with DD while DS underwent his assessments.

I don't ask any more.

CallMeExhausted · 21/06/2014 01:53

MiscellaneousAssortment I have a sneaking suspicion that you and I might have the same condition (or at least related ones).

It took DD1, when DD2 started making the consultants scratch their heads, she was tentatively diagnosed. When they started looking more deeply into my family, I was tested, identified as potentially having the same condition. They confirmed it through biopsy/genetic testing, determined it was the cause of DD1's passing, and that not only do DD2 and I have it, but so does DS.

That was not a great day.

everlong · 21/06/2014 07:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ppplease · 21/06/2014 08:19

I challenge them on it in a nice way.
I say "really, how does that work then?" all innocent like.
I do it in the hope that they realise how daft they are being, and hopefully dont carry on saying it.

lavenderhoney · 21/06/2014 08:26

I'm not big on platitudes, and to add I also dislike " oh well, you made your bed so you'll have to lie on it"

Like fuck I will.

AggressiveBunting · 21/06/2014 08:32

There was a card I saw which said ' if what doesn't kill you makes you stronger I should be able to bench press a double decker by now'

WeirdCatLady · 21/06/2014 09:15

I used the What doesn't kill you makes you stronger line on Dd earlier this week after hearing the Taylor Swift song. It didn't go down well.

Personally, I like This too shall pass, as it helps me when I'm having a bad day.

expatinscotland · 21/06/2014 10:07

Yeah, everlong, that one is stupid.

'Time heals all wounds.' I say, when people trot that one out to me, 'Yes, it will. One day I will finally die, and this pain with me.'

cardamomginger · 21/06/2014 10:58

Patronising bullshit often said, IMO, by people who want to comfort themselves with the thought that your suffering is somehow acceptable and that they are therefore relieved of obligation to actually fucking help.

cardamomginger · 21/06/2014 11:00

I part of an Orthodox Jewish community (although I a now atheist) and there are all kinds of equally bs and patronising religious variants of this that get spewed out.

GhettoFabulous · 21/06/2014 11:05

I survived abuse and neglect as a child, and a long abusive relationship. I can't stand it when people congratulate me for "achieving so much" since then.

I started my professional career at 42 - think what I could have achieved if I'd been surrounded by people who loved me.

I'm not strong or resourceful, I'm damaged, physically and emotionally. I just get through the days and I'm amazed I'm still alive.

My condolences to everyone bereaved.

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