AIBU to hope my sister doesn't have children?

[SugarMiceInTheRain]

Ok, before you flame me - my sister has a lot of issues. There's a lot of history but I'll try to keep it brief. I saw her for the first time in three years at my grandmother's funeral a week ago. My first thought was that she had aged about 20 years in the past 3. This is due to drug use. She's always been very in favour of legalising cannabis, but I'm certain she's using harder drugs than that these days. She has spent the last 15 years wasting her life, dossing about, doing the odd gig for which she gets paid very little. She has severe OCD, for which she refuses to seek help and other MH issues. The funeral was overshadowed by her attention seeking dramas, and it made me sad that we couldn't just mourn my grandmother's death/ celebrate her life, without tiptoeing around my sister/ keeping her apart from certain family members who she has taken against for no reason etc.

Anyway, at the funeral I introduced her to my new baby and she kept going on about how broody she is and how she's desperate to start a family. She has had an on-off relationship with a married man 15-20 years her senior for the past few years, who keeps saying he loves her then running back to his wife and kids. AIBU to think that having kids is the last thing she should do? She has been saying she's broody for quite a while and the thought of her bringing a child into the chaotic life she leads fills me with horror. I was surprised at how strongly I felt about this, and don't know if it's just me being judgey about her situation, given that she has had every opportunity to lead a much more stable life and has actively chosen to sabotage her chances at every turn.

YANBU to not want a child to be brought into that life, but I don't think it's your place to say anything about it.

I can relate to what you say about your sister. Mine is very much the same.

YABU It's not your business, sad, but true.

what would worry me most in this post is your attitude to your sister - you dont even bother seeing her

I have a sister (age 39) with serious issues who is currently trying to get pregnant for the first time. I dread the day I am told she is expecting - that poor child will never know any of his/her cousins as my sister would never allow that to happen. And this makes me sad.

Her child would be born with massive unrealistic expectations on her part and child's life would be overshadowed with such a dominant mother. But nothing I can do about it.

I'd rather have seen a post from you in a different section saying "is there anything I can do to help my sister"

Of course she shouldn't have children in her current situation. But I also think it's rather sad the lack of empathy you have for your sister.

YANBU. I have a horrible older sister, with whom I've tried and failed many times to develop a relationship. She's single at the moment and lives with and sponges off my parents so there's no imminent danger of her having children, but if she does I will worry so much about them. I have no interest in being anywhere near her but if she does have children I will feel compelled to be nearby just to ensure she doesn't torture them the way she tortured me and our younger sister (who is the nicest person who ever lived).

Oh and people generally criticise me for not being kind to my sister until I talk a bit about her and then they understand. Friends who in the past wondered why I was so hard on her (as she comes across as normal in short interactions) soon see what I mean when they spend more than an hour around her. As her sister you know what she's really like.

I'd just point out that it is pretty messy having a baby. Not for someone with OCD really. Perhaps she doesn't get that. Invite her round when you are doing feed time and nappy change etc. She will soon realise that she'd find it very, very hard.

Invite her round
unlikely

At this moment in time your sister needs a baby like a hole in the head. She needs to sort out her life first.

If your post had said that you don't want your sister to have children YET then you would sound a little bit less calicious.

Merry are you saying people with OCD shouldn't have children? Just want to clarify and ask why?

The biggest thing that would worry me is the drug use.

You sound quite spiteful.

Yanbu, children deserve to be brought up in a healthy, loving, stable environment, she can't even take care of herself by the sound of it and someone who's so self absorbed they make grannies funeral all about them is unlikely to suddenly pull their head out of their arse because they have a baby.

In saying that, it could be the making of her, unlikely but possible.

The way you've phrased your OP sounds like you have a lot of beef with your sister, and that you feel that she's selfish, can't plan for the future/think ahead, put others first when they need support, etc. Also reads that these are issues that have been apparent throughout your relationship and not just in recent years. If that's the case, these are pretty inherent flaws, the mould is cast. No amount of support from you or anyone else is going to help her change unless she wants to. You just need to read some of the stately homes threads in relationships to realise some people shouldn't have kids. YANBU.

I've tried to keep in contact. She never gets back to me, shows no interest in her nephews and niece. She won't even let me know where she lives - I know the town but that's it. She's paranoid that I might pass her address on to someone in the family she doesn't want contact from. I once forwarded a Christmas card from a family friend to her old address, she flipped out over it and moved house as a result! The whole family has tried to help her, always trying to include her. My dad has bailed her out more times than I can remember - I've even bailed her out when I was at university and she needed money for something or other, but she's so irresponsible with money - she has lost/ abandoned various camper vans she's owned/ lived in and whenever she has money, 'lends' it to friends who she never hears from again.

Obviously it's none of my business, and I would never say this to her, I don't mean to sound callous but I'm feeling ground down that 15 years of effort on the part of the rest of the family has yielded no improvement. My mum and I have shed tears of sadness and frustration over her. I could give so many anecdotes about her behaviour - she stayed with us for a few days over Christmas 5 years ago, wouldn't get up before midday, even on Christmas morning, making the kids wait for her to get up before they could open their presents as she was sleeping in the living room, bursting into tears and being sick because she thought one of us had touched her bag

YANBU
I can't imagine she would prioritise the child's needs over her wants. I have a similar family member and her DC are now fostered by another family member because she was unable to put the child's welfare first.

Gosh I feel for you. It must be so hard watching someone you grew up with go so wrong and far from the path her family would have chosen.

It can be quite difficult to maintain any sort of meaningful relationship with a long term drug abuser w mental health issues. Just saying.

Yeah, but will she able to have a serious boyfriend if she's like that? The problem may solve itself.

People with untreated MH problems probably shouldn't have kids until they get those issues squared away first.

Yanbu ,I would worry too about a child being brought up around drugs.

I agree barbarian.

Having a small baby makes you very sensitive about babies and small children, eg media reports of child abuse can be very upsetting. So this might be why you feel so involved in her talk of having a baby.

She sounds in a mess so you should detach, unless of course there is actually something you can genuinely do to help her. But she sounds like she is determined to continue on a disastrous path which you can't change. Having a baby might turn her life around, or might be a disaster. But no point you worrying about it.

I don't think yabu. Nothing you can do about it though.