To be considering divorce

[frustrated26]

I nearly definitely am and probably need to be told firmly to put up with it and not end a 6 year marriage but I am very unhappy. DH and I have been married 6 years and in a relationship for 8. We have one DD4.

MIL has been extremely unpleasant to me for the duration of the relationship. She has deliberately tried ot make rifts between me and DHs family by lying about me to them, exp telling them I have said nasty things about them which is not true - apart from MIL I get on well with DHs family and luckily it hasn't actually worked. She constantly criticises my apperarence (I'm a healthy size 10 but she is always making vicious comments about my being too thin and calling me anorexic). I could go on and on but I won't - jst take my word for it she is really horrible to me.

Most of this I can shrug off but for 8 years now I have put up with nasty racist comments (I'm white, DH is black Jamiacan) about me to my face and behind my back whe others tell me what she has been saying. She has never made any secret of hoping that DH would 'grow out of fancying white women' and never passes up a chance to make me feel awkward in her presence. I have heard her refering to me on the phone to friends as 'DH's'names's whie girlfriend' - as if ther eis another woman she has to differntiate me from, also I am his WIFE. She insists (because it fits her narrative) that I'm spoiled and middle class when in fact my upbringing was much poorer than DHs and I did well for myself by working extremely hard. She has told me I am not a 'real' part of my own DDs family as I don't have any shared heritage with her (you know apart form half my DNA).

DH has NEVER stuck up for me. When we used to come back from visiting MIL and I was very upset he would privately agree with me that she was out fo order and comfort me but never have a word with her about how she treated me. I have put up with this and his explanation that she is 'traditional and conservative' and that its 'not personal' for years so its partly my fault.

I feel i can't anymore for 2 reasons

1. MIL moved into a house 10 mins away from our own in March and has been an almost daily visitor. My nerves can't take any more of her.

2)Worse she has started making disparaging comments about my colouring to my DD - this is not just affecting me anymore but surely will soon affect DDs self perception too. She constantly undermines my parenting in front of DD in other ways too.

I have talked and talked and talked to DH about how upset MIL makes me and about how she has started making nasty comments to DD but he WILL NOT have a word with his mother.

I don't know what else to do.

I would tell him to either deal with his mother and make sure she shows you respect or you no longer see yourself able to continue and will wish to end your marriage.

My God that is horrendous. Full sympathy. Agree with ourmiracle above. Could you ban her from your home, stating reasons? My cousin in law did this with her toxic mil years ago and all is much better for it- her dh visits his mum on his own. She has no right to behave like this towards you and you have every right not to put up with it. Sounds like in other ways you have a good relationship with dh?

Seriously- why lose your dh over his mum? She needs to go.

Heralggerald this is exactly what makes it so hard - DH is lovely, and I adore him but he has what can only be described as a block about his mother. Apparently I can't ban her from our home because its ours and he says she is welcome.

Have you told him how close to the edge you are? Is your relationship good in other ways? It would be such a shame to end an otherwise happy marriage because of the MIL. Do you think that if you told him how unhappy you are, and that you're considering leaving, he would be willing to talk to her?

Or, have you ever told HER how you're feeling? Would you be able to have a face to face meeting with her, perhaps on neutral ground like a coffee shop or something, where you could calmly tell her how her constant undermining is threatening your otherwise happy marriage.

Does he know how serious you are about this? Does he think it's just normal mil whinges ( which it doesn't sound like by the way)?
He can either support you or go and live with her

he has to put you first I am afraid and if he cant or wont then that would be a deal breaker in my eyes. pick a quiet time to sit down with him (not when you are fuming with MIL but when you are calm) tell him that this situation cannot go on. he has to confront his mother and make things change. if he cannot then you cant see any future in this relationship. but be aware of how difficult sorting this if you do split is going to be DD will still see her granny. you will still be dealing with the fallout from this. better to try and sort it from within first than walk away if possible.

Well I agree with him that he gets to say who is welcome in his home.

I suggest you would be better off in a different home. This is intolerable.

Write down everything she says, without exaggeration (not saying you would)

Show it to him, in reverse.

Ask him if he'd be ok with you hearing this about him and not challenging the person who said it.

So sorry op. That's totally shit.

Facing mil and having it out with her may be an unpleasant but necessary course of action. Have you got any allies in his family, sils etc who could support you?

Hoppinggreen - bar actually using the word divorce I have told him how I feel adn that I feel like this situatio as it is CANNOT carry on. I have asked him at least to tell MIL not to make these comments to my DD, he wont even do that. I have asked him how he would feel if it was my DM being 'traditional and conservative' about him - apparently it wouldn't be the same thing and he would just be able to ignore her.

Ok then tell him when she comes round you'll take DD out because you don't want her to grow up with his mother disgusting views on skin colour or for your DD to grow up not respecting you. If that doesn't change his mind then I don't know what else you can do but leave. Ask him how he would feel if it's your family making comments on his colour and ethnic background? Why does he think its fair got it to happen to you.

heraldgerald - BIL is a lovely bloke and is very close to me we share a birthday and usually try to go away with him and his gf for a few days around our joint birthday. He he is the only one (to my knowledge) who has told MIL off when she has started on me. Perhaps asking BIL to talk to DH would help?

Have you ever told her and stood up for yourself or do you let her talk to you like that passively? Have you ever told her to stop telling your dd her views on skin colour? I know that would be incredibly hard, but I can imagine she'd be really shocked and it might possibly make her think twice about carrying on... if you actually faced her down.

This is probably easier said than done when you're down after years of this, but can you change the pattern to one that suits you? At the moment she's playing the tune and you're responding. How about just calling her on it. When she bad mouths you directly, just say that you understand it's her old-fashioned views talking, so you don't blame her, but maybe she could put her sons happiness before her own prejudices. When she says things on front if your daughter explain the racism is the name for discrimination on the grounds of colour, regardless of which ethnic group is doing the discriminating. When others tell you what she's been saying behind your back call it again - she's old, racist and bitter, isn't it a shame she can't enjoy the lovely family she could be part of do the same with your OH - the problem us hers and she needs to bear the brunt of it, not you.

Appreciate it's hard to take the higher ground over this utter bitch challenging MIL. But if you love your husband don't let her enjoy her poison while it harms you. Change the tune and make her dance to it

Having said that, I'm a total wimp and would find it almost impossible.

Would he be ok with your family referring to his colour all the time?
I doubt it, he sounds like either an arse or a mummy boy wimp

Maybe I am to blame for not having stood up for myself but it as always easier toignore from someone we saw once a month or less. I have got to the point where I think even if I can succefully get her to back off by having it out with her, I will always know that DH didnt say a word to defend me even when i asked him to. Why should I put up with that?

We'll I have to say, any comment about your skin colour is racist and I think it is important to call it like it is. You really need to tell her that you would accept any comment like this and leave it make her leave if she does so.

The other diggings are perhaps more difficult to address, esp wo the support of your DH.
What I wouldn't do is tell her she is undermining your relationship because this us clearly what she is set up to do. Do telling her she should tone down for her ds happiness would be giving her the green light to carry on.

Can I ask why decided to move so close to you? Is there, by any chance, the view that closer to you, she could stop by more easily and get at you even more?

No, you mustn't blame yourself. Standing up for yourself is incredibly hard. And you're right, you should expect a certain amount of defence from DH. Sorry, I hadn't thought of that.

Xpost.

So in effect, you are feeling let down by your DH and like you are coming second to his mother.
That he can't back you up when the need arises.
So you can't trust him anymore. Is that right?

The thing us, you can use her for assertiveness practice while you decide. There's no downside, really. She's already affecting your confidence and your marriage. Learning to calmly say things like "I'd prefer if you didn't say things like that/please remember this is my home and I don't allow people to speak that way here/respect my child, please" might not help to stop the situation, but it might help you to not land in a similarly abusive one again. You'll have the experience of stopping it before it starts. It'd be good for your daughter to see that, too.

I feel really let down - he can SEE the effect the stress is having on me. It's not that i can't trust him - in literally all the other areas of our relatiosnhip he is wonderful. But his mother can do no wrong, not just ot me but in general. Even now DD is being dragged into her bile DH wont talk to her about it. I'm at the end of my teather adn sick of feeling SICk everytime she comes into our house. It doesnt feel like my home anymore.

I think I would have to issue dh with an ultimatum. Either his mother stops being a bitch or she will NOT be coming into the home, nor seeing her granddaughter. Also, if he is not prepared to stand up for you then that, for me, would be a deal breaker and I'd be telling him we're divorcing.

I'm not a fan of "choose between me or your mother" but sometimes, like this situation, it has to be done.

Hope you can get this sorted soon xx