To be considering divorce

[frustrated26]

I nearly definitely am and probably need to be told firmly to put up with it and not end a 6 year marriage but I am very unhappy. DH and I have been married 6 years and in a relationship for 8. We have one DD4.

MIL has been extremely unpleasant to me for the duration of the relationship. She has deliberately tried ot make rifts between me and DHs family by lying about me to them, exp telling them I have said nasty things about them which is not true - apart from MIL I get on well with DHs family and luckily it hasn't actually worked. She constantly criticises my apperarence (I'm a healthy size 10 but she is always making vicious comments about my being too thin and calling me anorexic). I could go on and on but I won't - jst take my word for it she is really horrible to me.

Most of this I can shrug off but for 8 years now I have put up with nasty racist comments (I'm white, DH is black Jamiacan) about me to my face and behind my back whe others tell me what she has been saying. She has never made any secret of hoping that DH would 'grow out of fancying white women' and never passes up a chance to make me feel awkward in her presence. I have heard her refering to me on the phone to friends as 'DH's'names's whie girlfriend' - as if ther eis another woman she has to differntiate me from, also I am his WIFE. She insists (because it fits her narrative) that I'm spoiled and middle class when in fact my upbringing was much poorer than DHs and I did well for myself by working extremely hard. She has told me I am not a 'real' part of my own DDs family as I don't have any shared heritage with her (you know apart form half my DNA).

DH has NEVER stuck up for me. When we used to come back from visiting MIL and I was very upset he would privately agree with me that she was out fo order and comfort me but never have a word with her about how she treated me. I have put up with this and his explanation that she is 'traditional and conservative' and that its 'not personal' for years so its partly my fault.

I feel i can't anymore for 2 reasons

1. MIL moved into a house 10 mins away from our own in March and has been an almost daily visitor. My nerves can't take any more of her.

2)Worse she has started making disparaging comments about my colouring to my DD - this is not just affecting me anymore but surely will soon affect DDs self perception too. She constantly undermines my parenting in front of DD in other ways too.

I have talked and talked and talked to DH about how upset MIL makes me and about how she has started making nasty comments to DD but he WILL NOT have a word with his mother.

I don't know what else to do.

It sounds as though she's emotionally abusive and he will have been ground down by years of it.

So it's not as simple as him deciding to stand up to her and doing it, he's seeing her through years of FOG—fear, obligation and guilt.

Not that that makes it any less horrible for you, but some reading around emotional abuse/toxic parents might shed some light on what's happening and why, and how how to deal with it.

Absolutely agree with lesser. Toxic parents leave a wide spreading and difficult legacy. Not wishing to minimise the hurt you feel about dhs lack of support, it may be very hard for him. I wonder how she behaved towards small children in her care?

Fwiw, yes I do think getting bil to support would be good. Out of interest, does bil s f2f also receive any kind of similar treatment, racist or otherwise? Really feeling for you. Toxic family members are the pits. Your dh s shut down about mil and defence could be a major coping mechanism developed since childhood to protect himself.

Not f2f, gf, bloody phone

It's the Mum you need to divorce not your DH. I agree. Ban her from your house and refuse to have anything to do with her. She's toxic.

He has a half white child and won't stop his mum from making comments about white race? Does he not know how cutting racism is towards yourself, let alone your children? He should be offended on behalf of both of you. I would have to ditch a partner who couldn't or wouldn't stand up for me, mother or no mother.

I don't know how you've stood it for this long tbh.

Sounds like your dh is scared of her tbh.

YADNBU.

If this woman is causing you to be physically ill, and making you feel as if your home isnt your own anymore, then something has to give or you are going to break. Sounds as if you are almost there.

I think you need to tell your DH that this woman is no longer welcome in your home. It's as much your home as his, and if one of you is uncomfortable with something or someone in it, then the other should respect that. He can continue to have a relationship with her, but you will not. This is not up for negotiation. He can accept it, or you will be forced to initiate divorce proceedings because you cannot, will not live like this anymore. Thing is, you have to prepare yourself for the fact that you might then have to go through with it.

I think calling BIL in as additional support would be a good plan.

Is marriage counselling an option? Sometimes hearing something in a neutral setting can really bring home what someone is trying to say.

Aside from all the racism shit, the fact that she undermines you infront of your dauhter should be enough for him to man up and tell her how it is.

YANBU. MIL sounds like a racist, toxic, evil cow and DH needs to decide what is more important to him - his wife and child or his mother.

I am willing to bet that if you left him, his Mum would tell any new partners that you were wonderful and they could never match up to your brilliance. The issue is that she doesn't want to share her son, she's using anything she can as a weapon against you. Your husband needs to let her know that she won't be in his life any longer if her behaviour continues. If he's not willing to risk his relationship with her,I guess you'll have some difficult decisions to make.

I have to disagree about issuing ultimatums about divorce in an otherwise happy marriage. I think supporting eachother in the face of this awful woman and understanding eachothers reaction to her is the best way forward. Agree that even one session at relate could really make a difference.

He isn't supporting her, though, is he. He's letting her down every time he lets his mother disrespect her like that. He is colluding in disrespect of his wife and the poison is now going to spread to his daughter as well and he still is not going to do anything about it.

I think you need a house rule.

Anyone who makes a racist remark is immediately told to appologise or leave.

No discussion.
No 'I didn't mean it like that'.
Nothing other than an apology or leave.

What reason could your dh have for not agreeing to that rule.