To not be worried that the builder working down the road gives DD (3yo) sweets?

[Lioninthesun]

He has been working on the road for about 3 months now, and keeps being employed by others as he is good.

Every time we walk past he says hello, and seemed to find my DD particularly funny (she likes builders and prattles on about hammers and wearing a Bob The Builder Hat) so we tend to stop and say hello. She has recently been hammering nails into wood at nursery and was keen to show him. He said he thought she would be able to work for him soon and produced a packet of chewits. DD was thrilled, thanked him and we went home. I didn't find this at all creepy. However the next day my friend came back from nursery for lunch with us and again the builder gave DD a packet of chewits, she said thanks and we went off home. My friend was pretty shocked and said she would never allow her DD to take sweets from strangers and asked if I wasn't worried this was teaching DD it is OK? I tried to explain we feel we know him as he is always there when we walk past, but I suppose really we don't know him... So I thought perhaps if DD makes him a thank you card he won't feel he has to continue it and it can just fizzle. I wanted DD to thank him properly anyway, so she made a card and I wrote a thank you from her and gave it to him on Wednesday.

We've just been past again and today he gave 2 lollipops and 2 packs of chewits as he wasn't there yesterday and there's a sweet for each day of the weekend. It seems a lot but I am now a little torn - should I be worried? Am I being naive? Or am I feeling pressure to find a problem here?

I thought the collective wisdom of MN could help!

You're with her so if you didn't want her to have them you'd say so.

It's not like he's alone with her or anything. Tbh it's the kind of thing my ex would do and he's certainly not a child abuser.

I think a little word with the builder (maybe suggest that it's not so good for her teeth), and a little word with DD (Do not accept anything from strangers when I am not there, or spend time with the builder when I'm not there) should do it.

I remember being given sweeties by grown ups as a child, and no harm ever came of it...

Every single customer of my dad's shop used to buy me sweets from the shop when I sat of the counter & looked cute. The vast majority were strangers. No one batted an eye, it was just considered being nice.

I'm sure the builder is just being nice. If you want him to stop now, thank him and say that it's very kind but it's not great for her teeth to have so many.

Sounds like he is being nice. Would be a different story if he was being sneaky or trying to get her away from you but you're always there.

Yes I am always with her. He doesn't actually know where we live or anything as we are much further up the road.

I did wonder for a bit if he was trying to make a pass at me (he said "You ladies are the highlight of our day!" which I took as a compliment) but now think it is just that he is kind and thinks DD is funny.

We are on holiday next week so actually we won't see him for a while now.

I don't think it's doing any harm, except maybe to her teeth! But you can always ration them out a bit at home!
Like you, I'd never have thought much of it unless someone brought it up, she is always with you when she sees him anyway. Seems like he maybe likes kids and finds your DD entertaining.

A lorry driver who frequents my local shop often buys DS a sweet when we happen to be in at the same time, he's just being kind.

Oh yes, I do a lot of rationing and helping with the sweets

aw he sounds lovely I don't know why people jump to the conclusion that something sinister is going on just because a person is friendly to a child

My DH is a builder and although he probably wouldn't give sweets as some of our friends have views on sugar, he's quite often chatted to by small children and would have said hello back.

When my dad was working in trade one of his clients children had a little toy tool belt and used to follow dad around 'helping' often out of sight of his parents who thought it was cute.

He talks to her in your presence, is open about giving her sweets. I wouldn't find it odd at all.

Cycle yes DD has a tool belt and seems to actually want to be a builder when she grows up. We have recently had a lot of builders doing work for over a year, so she has watched them in action and been able to go on diggers and all the rest.

Mind you she wanted to be a doctor after she cut her chin and went to Minor Injuries x4 and got a lollipop each time too . She'll go wherever the sweets are.

I do find it sad that a workman can't be seen to be kind without an ulterior motive being suspected. Your lovely DD makes him laugh, brightens up an otherwise boring day maybe. he probably has kiddy relatives.

Tell your friend most kids that are groomed & abused KNOW their attacker, you are always with Yr DD & are being friendlly which is nice.

Nothing wrong in being alert to any possible inappropriate behaviour but this chap is just being friendly IMHO

He sounds lovely and I also find it very sad that a man can't be nice to a small without being seen as strange. Would you have the same worries if the builder was female?

I take dc to an heritage train line sometimes, we were had missed the train by two minutes. We were only going to wave at the train, but we were happy to look at platform and sit on the bench, but the station master felt sad for dc and gave a chocolate bar as mummy missed the train. I was very touched by his kindness.

Told DH, who was aghast. That's illegal he said. I was wtf and said how sad it is that men can't be kind to children anymore as people are so suspicious.

Definately a paedophile. Obviously anybody being kind is after something. :/

Yes I agree, it does seem sad that we even question it.
We went to Morocco to visit my school friend and her son last summer and everyone there was smitten by her. She got a free ice cream everywhere we went and people ruffling her hair and asking to pick her up to look at her big blue eyes. I was a little overwhelmed at first but they just really love kids over there! It actually made a lovely change to go out and not feel your kid was pissing everyone off

Lol, my Dad was a builder. He was also as tight as two coats of paint but his mates were pretty generous. I used to hang about looking "cute" and they'd all put their hand in their pocket and give me 50p pieces. Imagine the outrage now!

I would be more concerned with her hammering nails into wood at nursery actually!

Builder sounds friendly and as long as you keep reminding your DD about staying with you, not going off with anyone, etc then it's fine isn't it?

I hate blanket suspicion of all men.

An old man near my Mum's house where I grew up used to pass me sweets through his open window. I took them politely and was pleased. Then he began asking me for kisses (the old fucking pervert) and I gave them even though every particle of me said "NO". I felt I owed him something for all the sweets.

I began taking a different route. I was about 8.

Thank you all. I didn't want to be being naive. I am a LP and don't have anyone else really looking out for her, so I come on here a lot if I wonder about my judgement, but I couldn't find anything in the search and so posted. To reiterate, I don't find the builder worrying at all but the fact my friend did made me question myself.

Read my post above your last one OP. I'm not saying all people who give sweets are perverts but I AM saying that accepting things confuses children when the relationship is not a "known" one. In rare cases, the giver can use the gifts as power.

Koala I know - I was when I saw them all there with real nails/hammers/wood bashing away with one lady sitting nearby 'supervising'. It's verging on the Ray Mears for me, but I can report that she hasn't (yet) hammered nails into my furniture at home

Winnibago that is quite concerning. I hope you reported it? I was put on the train back to school by my mother when I was about 12 and the man she had been chatting to at the platform suddenly became peado of the century. He spent the whole journey telling me how he used to spy on the girls getting changed when he was at school and the birchings he got for it...it culminated in him asking me what colour my "panties" were . I went red and said primly "GREY" as I thought that was the least appealing colour. I was horrified at the time that no one in the carriage said a word on a 1.5hr journey. I couldn't get off that train fast enough!

Even with that memory, or maybe because of it, I do feel that men who are open about giving sweets are possibly less of a risk. The man I met had been a teacher at a prominent all boys school which was what he had spoken about to my mother, and why she trusted him. It was a mini groom if you like.

Winni Thank you. I will speak to DD about accepting gifts from people.
I'm not quite sure how to go about it, as I said he isn't really a stranger, but an abuser can be anyone and more likely to be someone you know. Anyone have a few phrases up their sleeves?