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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be worried that the builder working down the road gives DD (3yo) sweets?

52 replies

Lioninthesun · 20/06/2014 13:12

He has been working on the road for about 3 months now, and keeps being employed by others as he is good.

Every time we walk past he says hello, and seemed to find my DD particularly funny (she likes builders and prattles on about hammers and wearing a Bob The Builder Hat) so we tend to stop and say hello. She has recently been hammering nails into wood at nursery and was keen to show him. He said he thought she would be able to work for him soon and produced a packet of chewits. DD was thrilled, thanked him and we went home. I didn't find this at all creepy. However the next day my friend came back from nursery for lunch with us and again the builder gave DD a packet of chewits, she said thanks and we went off home. My friend was pretty shocked and said she would never allow her DD to take sweets from strangers and asked if I wasn't worried this was teaching DD it is OK? I tried to explain we feel we know him as he is always there when we walk past, but I suppose really we don't know him... So I thought perhaps if DD makes him a thank you card he won't feel he has to continue it and it can just fizzle. I wanted DD to thank him properly anyway, so she made a card and I wrote a thank you from her and gave it to him on Wednesday.

We've just been past again and today he gave 2 lollipops and 2 packs of chewits as he wasn't there yesterday and there's a sweet for each day of the weekend. It seems a lot but I am now a little torn - should I be worried? Am I being naive? Or am I feeling pressure to find a problem here?

I thought the collective wisdom of MN could help!

OP posts:
Thurlow · 20/06/2014 14:03

I think it's lovely of him! It does present you with a perfect opportunity to have a conversation about what it is and isn't appropriate to accept from someone who is almost a stranger, but you are with your DD when you see this man so she can know that makes it fine. And that's a conversation everyone should have with their kids at some point anyway. But how sweet! I'd love a packet of Chewits every day

MrsWinnibago · 20/06/2014 14:04

lion well no....I was 8! It was the 1970s. Kids weren't really encouraged to talk about their feelings then.

The biggest power we can give children today is that of listening to their instincts and not being afraid to speak out to adults and say no or to remove themselves from a situation and fuck being polite.

People like your train man rely on the child's well brought up instinct to not rock the boat. My girls have been taught that no adult has ANY right to make them uncomfortable and they CAN leave any situation they want to and they can say PISS OFF PERVERT loudly to any man or woman who does them wrong.

MrsWinnibago · 20/06/2014 14:07

Lion I'm not suggesting your dd tells people to piss off by the way...mine are older. Grin

As she's little yet I think it's just important to have plain rules. I have taught mine that they aren't ever to go off with anyone unless I have told them personally that they may. They have also been told that I NEVER tell anyone to collect them or give them a lift even in an emergency...basically if it's not Nanny they don't go with the person.

I reiterate that their instincts are what matter...those prickling feelings of misgiving which kids often don't understand....I talk about those and how important they are.

Olga79 · 20/06/2014 14:09

I think teaching children that you must not accept sweets or go off with anyone (not just strangers) without letting mummy know is an easy enough concept for small children to understand. Easier in some ways than getting children to understand who is a stranger.

MrsWinnibago · 20/06/2014 14:10

Olga it is and my children know that....they're to check with me if I am there and if not they have to say no unless it's a teacher or the parent of a friend whose home they're playing at.

Basic and clear.

Thurlow · 20/06/2014 14:12

That sounds very easy and simple - tell your children not to do anything, go anywhere or accept sweets from anyone without checking with a parent is a very clear rule.

Xcountry · 20/06/2014 14:16

No I don't think so. There seems to be a huge hype about not talking to strangers and not accepting things from strangers but not in my village. Its a bit full on to be horrified by it I would say. the Builder probably just comes from a time and place (like I do) where this is just a nice thing to do.

ballstoit · 20/06/2014 14:19

Any chance he's taken a fancy to you op and is trying to impress you?

Floggingmolly · 20/06/2014 14:19

Not accepting sweets from strangers doesn't apply when you're with your parents, surely? There's nothing wrong with what he's doing, but isn't the sheer amount a bit excessive? Confused
Why would he hand her two lollipops and two packets of chewits??

Mabelface · 20/06/2014 14:31

He sounds lovely.

GirlInASwirl · 20/06/2014 14:32

I don't really think anyone can advise you OP. You have seen the guy and how he behaves - you would have an intuitive feel about his behaviour. If any of it makes you feel awkward then you must say something. Otherwise; just accept that he might be a nice guy (who kinda likes you too!). You are with your daughter so are able to keep the situation safe.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 20/06/2014 14:33

YAbu
Politely declining the sweets on her behalf demonstrates your drawing of boundaries.This man is a stranger and has no need to become familiar with you or your dd. she is very small and does not needs sweets from him. And it makes good sense to model to her a way of politely declining his offers.
I know that ppl will consider my response to be hysterical or paranoid but really, I'd be a bit taken aback by that from a man in this country.(I know the form is different elsewhere in the world of course) He might just be friendly and kind. But I would wonder about his motives.

MrsWinnibago · 20/06/2014 14:33

Mad how can you surmise how "Lovely" he is from the information given? I'm sure Hitler handed the odd lolly out....wouldn't assume anyone was anything simply because they handed out sweets.

JakeBullet · 20/06/2014 14:35

It's difficult for men, especially single men. I have a single man friend who is really popular with local children and who will also do this kind of thing. On the other hand he is also fanatical about not being alone with children ...to the extent if they stop to talk to him outside his house he won't even go to his front door in case they follow him.

You are with your DD, and this man sounds nice. Just say thanks and remain friendly.

Original poster
Lioninthesun · 20/06/2014 14:38

Yes she knows about going off with strangers, so I will add on the bit about accepting things from people she doesn't know when I am not there and to always check with me.

Ball I did wonder as I said, but he hasn't asked me any 'personal' questions (although he did offer me to sit with them when I was on my way home after dropping her off, which I declined citing housework - very rock and roll!) so I don't think so.

Flogging I think he has got into the habit of giving her sweets daily and as he wasn't there yesterday he has added yesterday's to the bundle for the weekend. It is a lot though I agree however I do like Chewits as well so can make half disappear rather quickly!

I think he is Italian from his accent, so I did wonder if that was just part of his upbringing too Xcountry

OP posts:
Thurlow · 20/06/2014 14:39

I feel sorry for the way we judge people sometimes. This man probably just thinks that the OP's DD is cute, and he likes children - who knows, maybe he has children himself, maybe he has loads of nieces and nephews - and because this young child chats to him and makes him smile he wants to buy her sweets to make her smiles. But clearly he must have dodgy motives?

Children like sweets. This is a known fact. It's quite a logical thing for someone to do: if they want to make a child smile, they buy them sweets.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 20/06/2014 14:43

He absolutely might be a lovely man.
And he might not. You simply don't know.

But what he is now not is a stranger. He is the nice builder friend of,mummy's who gives her sweets.

Original poster
Lioninthesun · 20/06/2014 14:44

Grin @ I'm sure Hitler handed the odd lolly out...

OP posts:
OnlyLovers · 20/06/2014 14:45

Sounds harmless and really charming to me.

And my colleague gave her a beautiful presentation copy of "Where the Wild Things Are" last week just because she saw it and didn't know anyone else with a little kid to give it to.

That made me well up Blush Grin

CoffeeTea103 · 20/06/2014 14:46

He sounds lovely op, as you are with her always I think it's fine. Not many people take the time out to be kind these days.

GatoradeMeBitch · 20/06/2014 14:49

The fact that she gave him a card probably means he's even more determined to treat her. Maybe he doesn't have many little kids in his family. As long as you will always be there when they interact, there's no harm.

Original poster
Lioninthesun · 20/06/2014 14:50

I am ALWAYS with her, apart from at nursery. So, if he was dodgy, unless he plans to wait around until she is 10 and could possibly go out on her own, I don't think I have much to worry about.

OP posts:
SarcyMare · 20/06/2014 14:54

you shouldn't teach about strangers, as children questioned about strangers after being taught about them drew monsters, not people.
Just talk about people, not going with people without asking mummy (or the adult currently in charge).

Original poster
Lioninthesun · 20/06/2014 15:01

That is really interesting Sarcy, thanks. We had a chat about why we close and lock our front door this week and I explained how if someone wanted to come in and take some of her toys they might be able to if we didn't lock it. We read Burglar Bill as well just to go over stealing is wrong and that it is 'normal' people who do it and then 'see the error of their ways' obvs Grin

OP posts:
londonrach · 20/06/2014 15:03

He sounds lovely. My sister and I used to tease our postman. One year he came at Easter and give my sister and I the biggest Easter egg you can imagine. This was in front of my parents. We learnt he was a single nan and very lonely and mum set him up with a friend. I believe they still together. An old couple down the road Also gave us an Easter egg as we looked cute. Grin (We learnt from a young age to get chocolate). Again this was done with parents knowledge. If he was doing thus without you being there I'd be worried but it sounds above board. I still remember how big that Easter egg was but as he told my parents he had no one to give one too and wanted to give an Easter egg to some children that Easter.