According to my DC I am the worst mum in the world...

[HonoraryOctonaut]

I'm sure some of you will agree with them... But I don't think I'm being unreasonable?

Older boys are 12 and 10. Spoilt really I suppose, although they aren't brats but can be very lazy and have a lot of stuff - xbox, games, tv, sky, gaming chairs, mini fridge, 3DS, stuff like that. Mostly second hand and eBay but I think I over compensate for being a single parent. They are nice boys, well mannered, always well behaved but unappreciative of how hard I save up to spoil them at Christmas and on birthdays and how much I go without to get it for them.

Their bedroom has been an absolute put for over a year. I decorated it about 18 months ago, new furniture, desk, grown up stuff like a nice rug and all co ordinated. I thought it would be an incentive for them to keep it tidy but no. I'm not exaggerating when I say it is a health hazard. You can't see the floor, broken games and DVDs, mugs, sweet wrappers, bits of papers, pens, Lego etc. They can't have friends round - I would go as far as to say it would be a cause for concern if social services saw it. Not that they have reason to pop round but you know what I mean.

I've tried demanding, bribing, punishing, ignoring, threatening, everything to get them to tidy it up but nothing has worked. They go up and sit and watch tv, do nothing, argue, then end result is the same - it just gets worse.

Ive got a skip at the moment as I've been doing some clearing out. After asking them again to tidy up last night and getting nowhere, today u have dumped the contents of their bedroom into the skip. Lego, toys, books - everything. It all went into black bags with the rest of the rubbish. The only things I haven't chucked are the expensive stuff like the computers and discs but they are hidden away. To all intents and purposes the room is empty of everything except furniture and clothes.

So now I am the worlds worst mum. It's not fair apparently, i say tough. They were warned over and over again and did nothing about it.

AIBU?

I think you are being reasonable and have done similar myself. While their rooms are not immaculate all the time now, when I say 'tidy or anything left on the floor will be binned' they jump to it!

I don't think they will resent you and not trust you as another poster seemed to think, they will learn that you mean what you say in future.

Their attitude is definitely my own fault, I've wanted them to have nice things and to fit in at school. I hated not having the latest album or named clothes when I was at school - I had one Ellesse sweatshirt when I was a teenager and wore it all the time, people used to laugh at me because of it, so I wanted my DC to have fashionable clothes (from eBay but still...) and to have a decent bedroom to bring friends home too, hence the mini fridge and gaming chair, so they would be 'cool' and not teased, but it hasn't worked out like that at all. I've just over whelmed them with stuff and it's meant they don't value or appreciate what they have.

No longer though! Things will change starting from today! I'm sick of clothes being chucked in a pile on the floor or shoved under the bed never to be seen again, toys being broken and games lost.

They will be disappointed and upset but they have been warned over and over again.

They respect me, just not their possessions. They aren't rude, don't shout or speak to me disrespectfully, they are fantastic with their baby brothers, they spend a lot of time outside making dens and collecting snails or whatever. The bedroom is the only sticking point.

One of the before photos!

"They respect me""
"I've tried demanding, bribing, punishing, ignoring, threatening, everything to get them to tidy it up""

They don't fully respect you, or their home, but you can't change the past.

You just have to hammer the point home that it is their home and everyone capable should be pitching in, into keeping it clean and tidy.

You've still got time to turn this around, I think that self discipline and respect for themselves, their possessions, the family home and those living in it (as well as wanting life to go well for all those in the home), is essential to have in place before the main teen years click in.

They then take that sentiment on when they leave home, especially males, who seem to struggle with maintain

My youngest is 16.

Sorry, struggle with maintaining a clean and tidy home and not sitting back and watching their partner get to breaking point.

Which your sons did.

How did you let it get that bad in the first place!?

By ignoring it mainly. I was a single parent with a 16 month old and a newborn when it first started getting messy and I just didn't have the time or the energy to follow up on it, so I would just shut the door on it. Then it just snowballed. It's only now that they are 2 and 1 that they will play in the playpen for 10 minutes so I can do something other than just firefight the days mess, the washing up and washing. There just wasn't time to do anything on top of the normal day to day stuff, especially with DS4 being a poorly baby.

Sorry but I think yab a bit u. You've let it escalate to that while giving them nothing but empty threats then suddenly thrown it all away? Bit harsh.

Good for you now stop bloody buying them stuff they dont care about, stuff does not make children happy im going to have a bit of a tut now why are you buying stuff cos you are a single parent you dont need to compensate anything

I think you are being reasonable.

it's a hard thing to do ( for you, I mean, emotionally and physically)

but I think it is fair.

they could start to earn some bits back slowly over time.

Stay strong!

YANBU.

This takes me back:

Me 'I'm practising for being the worst mum in the world'

DS2 'I thought you'd perfected that, Mum.'

They will know you mean what you say from now on.

A bit drastic but I don't blame you.

Keep on top of it from now on. Link pocket money to a tidy bedroom. At least that way it will be tidy once a week and won't get a chance to get as bad.
Do room inspections just before giving pocket money out. Perhaps link some of the pocket money to other chores too. They are old enough to help out.

I am kinda shocked really, items seem to be easy come, easy go in this story.

I would also make them work for their items back, they are very privileged children, they need to realise and respect how lucky they are.

I think your shock tactic is good though!

Well done OP.

You are doing them a favour. A total lack of respect for belongings regardless of their value or who bought them is not a good way to be.

Just move on now, don't back track, never apologise, just explain calmly why you did it.

Don't worry about being the worst mum in the world, you will have a few challenges over the next few years. This is a practice run.

What dozie said.
Well done. They at least will have a 'Clean slate' now. It is very hard to start tidying when things have got to the point your picture shows.
They did not value the stuff to treat it like that so why should you value it by putting it all tidy for them? Look and discuss sensible storage solutions for their stuff. Have "minimum standards" for their bedroom which are relatively easy for them to keep and clearly stated.
Best of luck

Yabu.

Apparently I'm the worlds worst mum

I think they actually needed a shock like this to realise you are serious.

Well done, OP. Well done.

(By God there's some other wimpy parents on this thread. Poor little diddums attitude gets you knowhere!)

I get the frustration. My DCs are younger but I get fed up of tidying their room or having to supervise them when they regularly come home from school with stickers for tidying up there.

I would have said they had until say 4pm Saturday to tidy away everything and bag up rubbish/broken things and whatever wasn't put away would be thrown in the skip.

Once it got to the deadline of have gone up and bagged stuff not put away and thrown it in the skip and taken away Xbox/ds etc which could be earned back one at a time for keeping the room clean and tidy.

Telling them to tidy without a deadline was a bit mean especially of you have threatened to throw things before and not followed through.

Well done OP!

They might think you're the worse mum in the world but I don't. Hopefully this will shock them into keeping their room tidy in future.

Personally i would have told them that everything had been thrown away but kept it hidden or stored at a friends's house rather than physically putting it all in a skip.

Or even taken anything useful down to the charity shop. It's just seems a waste to throw away perfectly usable toys

I'm having this with my 12 yr old dd, am thoroughly sick of her laziness and selfish behaviour. She has been told no more Internet until it is tidied up and I have removed the modem

Yanbu. My 16yo DD lives in a pigsty, she has been warned to tidy it properly or Im taking all her gaming stuff out. She's had a byball because of GCSEs but they are finished now.

I warn both the DDs that I'll take ipods, phones etc and follow through with the threat.

Well done!
They had plenty of time to tidy room after numerous requests but ignored you. You were quite right! Setting a deadline would have little or no effect as they probably would have wheedled and cajoled and made a half hearted effort. Neither are little kids and picking up after themselves is the least they can do.
What household chores do they do on a regular basis )other than not keeping room clean and tidy!) dishes, hoovering, peeling potatoes etc? They need to start helping you out around the house you all live in

I would do the same as you as in binning it, but I would have done it 17.5 months ago.

There is no way I could tolerate a pigsty like that, nor dc's ignoring request/instruction to tidy up.

It may well be their bedroom, but I would expect them to respect the whole house and those in it.