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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel slightly unsympathetic to friend in controlling relationship?

48 replies

Rechargingmybatteries · 19/06/2014 17:26

One of my oldest friends is married to a man who is, even from an outsiders viewpoint, ridiculously controlling.

I've been so sympathetic for ages, it must be awful. But what is difficult is seeing how little she does to help the situation. She will say she will leave him and receive love and support, then nothing happens and she will cry again about something he's done. People urge her to leave and she will say that she will, but doesn't.

She's financially fairly well to do and I don't really understand her. I want to support her (he is a horrible man in many ways) but it's so difficult keeping my patience when I really want to shake some sense into her.

Anyone experienced this with a friend or relative?

OP posts:

MsSelinaKyle · 19/06/2014 17:28

I'd rethink the use of the word 'friend' as you're clearly not a real one to her. Friends don't bitch about one another to a bunch of strangers on the Internet.

sillystring · 19/06/2014 17:31

She isn't "bitching" about her. What a horrible post.

OP, sometimes all you can do is continue to be supportive as you can. It can be wearing when friends don't take good advice, ultimately it's her decision though, you can't make her do anything she really doesn't want to. On some level, this relationship must "work" for her. Take a step back if need be, but don't abandon her.

UncleT · 19/06/2014 17:33

Someone you know having difficulty leaving someone clearly quite mean? Yes, I suspect one or two million here have heard of that in their circles. It's frustrating, but if she's really a friend you'll support her.

YouHaveBeenOutbid · 19/06/2014 17:34

OP I hear you! I've watched someone close to me do this for over 20 years. What makes it hard for me to understand is that I too was once in a violent relationship and after a handful of incidents I left. From what I understand now that's unusual. It's way more common to stay.

It's so frustrating but there's nothing you can do other than let your friend know that you're there for her.

I think you are a good friend for still caring!

wafflyversatile · 19/06/2014 17:35

I can imagine how frustrating it must be.

I found this quite an interesting read.

www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/support-files/why_dont_they_just_leave.pdf

nomoretether · 19/06/2014 17:36

If he's controlling, chances are that he's also doing things that make her believe she wouldn't be okay on her own. I never understood why women would stay in relationships like that until I found myself in one myself. I now support my ex's next on/off girlfriend. She's left about 3 times but keeps going back and I know why - I did it myself.

It's exhausting. It doesn't mean she doesn't value your help. I sort of see it as every time the on/off girlfriend leaves, she's one step closer to leaving for good.

So yes I can understand why you lose sympathy but perhaps try and see it from her point of view. There will be a reason she's staying.

AnyFucker · 19/06/2014 17:37

I think OP deserves some support in this situation, MsSK

It is very hard to have to witness a damaging dynamic like this. Mainly the powerlessness that you feel and that it seems so simple what the solution is from the outside.

LastTango · 19/06/2014 17:39

I had a friend like this, OP. I actually put up with it and supported her for 10 years. In the end I just couldn't do it any more. She never did leave, nor stand up for herself. You just CAN'T help some people no matter how hard you try.

livelablove · 19/06/2014 17:39

Its not surprising you feel unsympathetic, but you dont know what it is like for her if you haven't been in her position yourself. Controlling people grind down your self confidence, which may already be low and that makes it very hard to leave. If she was a strong self confident person she wouldn't be with him in the first place, or would leave soon after he got too controlling. Its like dieting, some people are desperate to lose weight, they know they need to but somehow they just can't do it.

Lioninthesun · 19/06/2014 17:42

Yes, it's a rinse and repeat scenario. She may well be working up to something in minute steps. If you suddenly crash out on her she may feel he is right and she is safer with him than friends who can't 'truly understand' her. Stick with it. We all have our friends like this and it can be galling. Have some

Fairenuff · 19/06/2014 17:43

I think that if you want to keep the friendship, you need to accept that she is very likely to stay in the unhappy relationship forever and yet will continue to complain about her situation.

You can be a supportive friend, listen to her, empathise and point her in the direction of agencies that can advise and help her. Or you can take a step away and let the friendship dwindle somewhat.

Either way, you can let her know that you will always be there for her should she actually leave him.

Sallystyle · 19/06/2014 17:44

I know all about abusive relationships and how hard it is to get out of one and how easy it is to get into one.

I had a friend who after 6 years finally left a DV relationships and then met a man who just got out of prison for beating up his wife and she married him. Cue the same thing happening.

Eventually, I realised that I couldn't help and she wasn't going to break the cycle any time soon and I could no longer watch it happening. It was getting on top of me and she knew his past and knew what he was capable of when she met him. Due to her own upbringing it was clear that she only thought she was good enough for scummy men :( it was heartbreaking and once I got into a dangerous situation because of it so it had to stop.

My mum has had a few bad relationships with controlling horrible men and I warned her but it took her a good few years with each one to leave. She is my mum and I love her so I will always be there for her, but it did get to be a bit too much picking up the pieces when it was so clear to everyone else right from date one. I am pleased to say that she has broken the cycle now :)

I have a LOT of patience for those struggling to leave and will support my loved ones through it; even if it takes years and years. My tolerance wanes when the cycle keeps being repeated though. I know it is hard to break the cycle but yes, I find that hard to support for so long.

Writerwannabe83 · 19/06/2014 17:44

I've been in your position and it is extremely frustrating and draining. She cries about how bad things are, I listen, I make her see that she deserves better, she agrees and says she will leave him but never does. Two weeks later it starts all over again. And this goes on and on and on.

After 6 years of it now I'm a bit tired of hearing her say the same things and me just repeating myself. It's just pointless.

Dutch1e · 19/06/2014 17:49

This is so difficult.

I sometimes wonder if all that love and support is a bit enabling? Or at least if it fills the emotional hole just enough to give someone enough courage to stick around for a while longer to fix their broken relationship. It never works of course, just trying to get to the reasoning behind it.

I've withdrawn from a friend who did something like this. The relationship was with her family rather than a man, but the cycle was the same. I just ran out of sympathy.

AnyFucker · 19/06/2014 17:56

I sometimes wonder if all that love and support is a bit enabling?

That is interesting. A fine line though to withdraw your support and risk someone thinking an abuser is the only person who really understands them (thus playing into his hands and further isolating her)

YouAreMyFavouriteWasteOfTime · 19/06/2014 18:04

I have a friend like this and after 20 years of listening... I learned to change the topic of conversation.

complaining about her horrible man does not change anything. it acts as a vent enabling carry on as before. so now I ask her about the DCs and work. and encourage her on areas of life that don't involve him.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 19/06/2014 18:04

It can be very draining supporting a friend over a long period of time when nothing changes, you just feel like things are going round in circles.

I did eventually drop a friend when I realised my life revolved around sorting hers out (and not getting much back). Maybe take a step back if it's affecting you that much.

WooWooOwl · 19/06/2014 18:22

We have this with a family member, except she admits she will never leave him. I love her, but I've lost respect for her.

BananaBumps · 19/06/2014 18:24

She knows she should leave but she needs to make the decision that that is what she wants to do. You can't force her. Maybe talk about mumsnet, she.might come and get support here.

firesidechat · 19/06/2014 18:43

I spent some time recently with a relative who is married to a nasty piece of work. Not violent, but controlling and his whole body language and the way he speaks to her makes me rage. It's also concerns me that, if he can be like that in public with some people he barely knows, then what is he like in private. I am willing her to leave. Hopefully she will in her own time.

Original poster

Rechargingmybatteries · 19/06/2014 18:55

Thanks for thoughts. I would like to apologise for and retract my use of 'unsympathetic' in my title, however, as it was unkind (although this was not my intention.) I do however feel many of the other adjectives people have used - powerless, frustrated and so on.

I do think he has warped her way of thinking and I know she's frightened of him. My heart goes out to her.

On the other hand I do think she thrives just a little bit from enjoying being told how awful he is. I understand this but I can only say the same thing so many times before it becomes a bit meaningless.

OP posts:

Lioninthesun · 19/06/2014 19:00

I suppose you could be very honest with her and lay it out straight - you know he is a fucktard but would rather not talk about him unless she is actively going to leave him. Explain you may feel the need to change the topic as you have supported her through similar issues and would rather talk about something more upbeat. Maybe getting her to focus on other areas will encourage her to want more (if nothing else so she has something to talk to you about! )? Emphasise that you want her as friend though, that is important.

MaryWestmacott · 19/06/2014 19:02

Sadly, you can't help her, she wants to stay with him, her words are venting, possibly telling you what she thinks you want to hear after she's complained about him

Dutch1e · 19/06/2014 19:03

Anyfucker yes, and something I grappled with too.

After a while (years) I said "look, I can't hear about this anymore until you are doing something about it. When that happens I will give you everything I've got." Unfortunately she wasn't able to stop coming to me as a primary sounding board so I had to become less available.

The sad thing is that I began to feel actively resentful of the (it seemed) professional victim mindset.

MissThang · 19/06/2014 19:07

I'm going through the same thing myself so have a lot of sympathy for you tbh. Same situation, guy is just horrendous, physically violent, emotionally abusive, financially abusive. Friend has received all the support from I and others, yet doesn't leave him, then is upset most of the time with something he's done. I say now she's made her bed and can lie in it, I don't particularly care anymore as she refuses to act upon advice and save her children from the angst it's caused. Same with another friend who's pregnant to a man who beats her and is emotionally abusive. I've had enough and have walked away. If that's the life they want to live then so be it, but I hope to God the children aren't scarred by the experience.

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