To feel slightly unsympathetic to friend in controlling relationship?

[Rechargingmybatteries]

One of my oldest friends is married to a man who is, even from an outsiders viewpoint, ridiculously controlling.

I've been so sympathetic for ages, it must be awful. But what is difficult is seeing how little she does to help the situation. She will say she will leave him and receive love and support, then nothing happens and she will cry again about something he's done. People urge her to leave and she will say that she will, but doesn't.

She's financially fairly well to do and I don't really understand her. I want to support her (he is a horrible man in many ways) but it's so difficult keeping my patience when I really want to shake some sense into her.

Anyone experienced this with a friend or relative?

I have thought of friend as professional victim before if I'm honest, not quite in those terms but that's a very accurate assessment.

She hates the relationship but likes the fact (I think) that while she's in it she's in a sense above reproach especially as she is staying for the children, she claims - the same children he is controlling and violent towards.

Posted too soon!

You need to tread a fine line between supporting her and enabling her relationship to continue.

Next time she's complaining about him, stop her and ask her why she's telling you this, does she just want you to listen or is she hoping you'll give her a solution to the problem? Because the only solution as far as you can see is to leave him, you don't have any advise about how to change her DH, there is nothing she can say or do that will turn him into another person, so perhaps she needs to make a conscious decision, live like this for the rest of her life or leave. If her decision is to live like that, then fine, but then stop complaining about something she's chosen. There is no 3rd option, staying with him and him suddenly becoming nice and caring.

Next after, "are you telling me so I'll tell you to leave him or do you just want to vent?"

Mary - every time she is going to leave him. That's it, she's off! But weeks and months pass and nothing happens and then he's lost his temper again or prevented her from doing something she wanted to do and she's going to leave him and - You can see the pattern.

Yeah, I sort of distance myself from friends like that. They know my house is open if they need a place to stay, but I can't get emotionally vested in a situation that will never change. Had one friend that told me her bf hit her, then was shocked when I refused to go hang out as a couple with her and him because of it. She then backtracked and said she never said that, I told her if she didn't I would have no reason to dislike him. But I refuse to play nice with abusive assholes.

One of my cousins was in a string of abusive relationships. Her newest boyfriend seems alright. But given her history he's been given the automatic stamp of disapproval from the rest of the family. Given her history, I hate to admit it, but I'm a little extra critical of him. He's not great, but he's not as terrible as her other ones so, what can we do?

Unfortunately there's not much you can do unless they decide to leave. Otherwise you have to just let them learn on their own time, which is incredibly hard to watch.

Rather than sit listening to her get her out for days out, do a course together - some nice evening courses such as Indian head massage or painting or photography - keep being that little bit of normality reaching in.

Ime as much as being ground down you get sucked in to a cycle of drama and it is almost like a roller coaster so you never get that chance to find yourself - it is probably part of the cycle that keeps her there - so try to stay away from the dramatic and provide something else that gets her out and doing things that build her up and provide a sanctuary from the drama.

Please don't ask your friend why she is telling you about her situation, or offer 'advice' or 'solutions'.

Women on average are physically abused 35 times before reporting nevermind leaving. It is incredibly hard to leave if you have no money/job/confidence, children who don't want leave their schools/friends and on top of that you are terrified of what your partner will do.

Sometimes that sympathetic ear and shoulder is the only form of support a woman will allow herself and the only thing keeping her going.

The very best thing you can do is to try very hard to always be kind to your friend and encourage her to talk to WA, go on a Freedom programme with her or assertiveness course for woman - anything that will give her an insight into DV and build up her self-confidence.

it can be very frustrating listening to the same issues over and over again

but she just needs to air them not you giving her solutions when she is not ready to leave. her confidence is low and she may feel totally worn down by her dh of course it seems simple to leave to an outsider

agree the freedom programme is great for women moving on. it is not as simple as just leaving if it was very few relationships would be abusive. the programme helps women move on and also look at their own behaviour and help understand themselves, they are the ones that need to make the changes to make that move

You can't shake some sense into someone who is trapped in a cycle of abuse. Living with targeted abuse from a bully on a daily basis has a profound psychological impact. There are lots of very good reasons why people get into and remain trapped in abusive relationships; it's never as simple as just leaving. Please follow bunchofolives advice and please please don't punish your friend by refusing to see them as a couple to make a point; giving her ultimatums or putting her on the spot.

Advice from Women's Aid here

I don't tend to see them as a couple which is their choice. I see her perhaps twice a month - when she is "allowed."

The problem is my sympathetic ear and shoulder are tired. It's upsetting as well to know there are children exposed to this behaviour.

Cheers, AF

Ynbu or a bitch.

I have a close friend who I just want to shake.

It's not thebsame controling situation but he a c u next Tuesday.

It's soul destroying watching him fuck up her and.there's children's lifes.

Then I think you need to disengage, she doesn't mean it when she says she's goingto leave him, so stop responding to it. Do you say "I think you're right" and start helping her plan it? Then it sounds like she's saying what she thinks she should say, not what she wants to do at all. Even when she's saying it, she doesn't really want to leave.

To you, it would be impossible to live like that, but you need to accept that she's actually rather happy with her life. That might seem insane, and when it's bad, she complains, but it's not that bad to her. It's actually OK most of hte time. She can live like this, to her it's preferable to the alternative, being without him and starting again.

Sadly, you have to sit back, listen but don't emotionally believe in her, don't try to solve her problems, listen to her rant, don't offer any solutions, don't suggest she leaves, just listen, while in the back of your mind, repeat to yourself "when she doesn't want to live like this, she'll leave."

You've offered her practical support, she knows how to leave, she's chosing for her own reasons not to. Don't believe her when she says she's leaving unless she's turned up on your doorstep with a bag of stuff. Before then, listen, don't advise and remember while she's saying "this is it" that it's not, she doesn't want to leave, or she'd go.

It's like drinking or any other adiction, until she's ready to give him up, there's little you can do. I've heard many drunks tell me that they are 'never drinking again' or are quitting, it doesn't last until they hit their personal rock bottom, which is a different point for different people.

She might never be ready to give up on her relationship. You need to decide if you can be her friend knowing that this might be every conversation you have for 30+ years. And remember, you don't have to be the person who supports her.

I have a friend who is very similar. Two years later she is still pining, despite him abandoning he and their three kids and spending ALL their savings.

She slept walked into the worst outcome as she just refused to help herself and made the worst decision whenever one was required. TBH she lost a lot of friends as her passivity is embarrassing. It makes everyone feel uncomfortable.

My mother was like this - she was unhappy as she felt lonely and socially isolated wherever she lived. Since my sister and I had pretty much been trained from birth to always try and make mummy happy, we tried to listen, be there, offer solutions and encouragement. She always said she'd try them and then she never ever did.

We did lose respect for her and a sort of compassion fatigue crept in - it became too emotionally hard for us to keep caring about what happened to someone who was clearly never going to do anything to change her situation. We did both get impatient with her, I'm afraid, and now have a rather knee-jerk 'Oh FFS' response to the professional victim mindset.

I think you'd be better off distancing yourself from said friend, OP. It sounds harsh, but you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped.

my friend could not relate to women's aid or any professional help. she just does not see her H as that bad because she has lost objectivity.

I did notice on that link that WA advises listening. for my friend I don't think it helps. she off loads her stress onto her friends, to enable her to suffer her H some more.

I suspect she has a martyr complex at a MH level and she is seeking some sort of validation for her suffering which she gets from talking to old friends about her situation. we are shocked by what she tolerates and i suspect this shows she is doing something in her mind 'very good'.

I would assume the OP's friend would be resistant to talking to WA or professional help, because that makes her "I'm leaving him" statement feel more real, she doesn't mean it, even when she says it.

I just want to come on here to offer support & get a bit of support myself. I have had nearly 30 years of this from my mum and I feel like I can't take much more. Her husband is a vile, controlling, emotional abuser with alcohol issues. She bought him into my life when I was a teenager and he has treated me like crap ever since, interspersed with periods of fawning kindness- he is a champion emotional abuser.

Yet my mum is always, always, the victim, even though he fucked up my teenage years and I always, always, ended up supporting her to deal with him. Why am I trapped in this script I didn't write?

I have reached the stage where I feel I am enabling, not helping. My DH, who is a saint, has been so kind and engaged with the vile man and taken him on days out to stop him drinking & help my mum, so I feel I have dragged my poor family into her dreadful life choice.

And in my late 40s I am still dancing attendance to this man's vile abuse - for my mum's sake.

I really can't take much more. I have to accept she will never leave now and try & emotionally detach. But them she whimpers about how she will never find the strength to leave if I don't support her and so the merry dance goes on.

She is always going to be a victim - she is too needy to stand on her own two feet, so the only way she would leave would be for another man (she left my lovely dad for this sack of shit) and he has ground her down too much for that. 30 fucking years and I am still trapped by my mum's victimhood. If it wasn't my my mum, I would walk away and I advise the OP to do the same. You cannot, cannot help someone who will not help themselves.

I knew someone like this. She had lived with him for 3 years. She was miserable and complained about him all the time. Then, for some unaccountable reason, married him. And is still miserable and complaining but with another baby.

Yup, my mum's vile husband had thoroughly revealed his character by their wedding, but she still married him. And she had left a relationship that, although obviously unsatisfactory to her, was not abusive.

It can feel like hitting your head off a brick wall.

I know this chat is probably dead now, but I am in a similar position. My best friend is not in a controlling relationship but is not in a good one either and that's come out of her mouth! It's what you said about repeating yourself and it all just being pointless, that's exactly my situation with her I've known her my whole life love her to bits but I just feel like I'm losing a bit of respect for her and just not really wanting to be involved with her atm. I wish I didn't feel like that but we're just not on the same page I feel and it's frustrating watching someone make the same mistakes over and over

Yes OP. My best friend is with a horrible horrible man.

He is controlling and abusive and some of the things she has told me make me feel sick. She has even had social services at her door multiple times now because of police visits (she has a son who is not her partners child).

She has her own house, own money etc... The most infuriating thing for me is how she will tell me these awful awful things he's done to her and how she's going to throw him out finally and I will support her and listen and spend my time trying to help and comfort her and then the next morning they will be the best of friends again and she expects me to just accept him again.

When they are having a 'good moment' I'm expected to be happy and nice about him. It's really hard. I don't hide my feelings about him anymore. I will not pretend to like a man that has treated my friend so appalling just because she's excited he's bought her flowers once.

I wish I could tell her not to tell me anymore when he does these things. I've cried to DP before about the things he's done to her and the possibility of SS being involved with her child whom I love so much but at the same time, I don't want her to have no one to speak to and remain quiet when these things happen so we carry on.

You can be a good friend and as supportive as humanly possible and still be so bloody frustrated in these situations.

Oh.. Zombie.