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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to withdraw my DD from school against her fathers wishes?

65 replies

NeeNawNora · 19/06/2014 14:37

Dd is 7. Her teacher this year is pretty poor - had parents evening in November and when I asked if there was anything I could do to encourage/help dd she said not to bother doing anything as dd is working over a year above average. She hasn't had a reading book for 6 weeks and hasn't been moved up a level for months, despite reading well above it at home. Dd says she finds school boring - lots of queuing, sitting in circles and waiting for others to catch up.

Dp has at least 2-3 weekdays off and is highly qualified in maths/science. I'm highly qualified in English/languages. I'm seriously considering home educating dd as feel between us we have a good knowledge base and can share care of our younger dc. However, dds father (who sees her an average of one weekend per month) is dead set against it. Aibu to think she'd be better off home educated?

OP posts:

DontPutMeDownForCardio · 19/06/2014 14:40

Like it or not his opinion counts. Why aren't you going above the teachers head?

ApocalypseThen · 19/06/2014 14:40

Something has to be done. Can you compromise on a different school?

bitsnbobs14 · 19/06/2014 14:40

YANBU to think she'd be better off, but YWBU to do this against her father's wishes.

Might things get better for her next year, new teacher?

Flexibilityiskey · 19/06/2014 14:41

The school year is almost over. Would it not be worth waiting to see if next years teacher is better before you do anything drastic? In the mean time, what is to stop you and your DP doing some work with her evenings and weekends so she is still progressing? I think YABU to take her out without exploring other options first.

AnyoneForTennis · 19/06/2014 14:42

What is 'highly qualified'.... You are both teachers?

AnyoneForTennis · 19/06/2014 14:43

Also, if he's dead set against it he could get a prohibited steps order so you can't just remove her. Could get messy

WeirdCatLady · 19/06/2014 14:44

You could compromise by asking her father to give it a try for one term. That's what we did. That gives you time to see if it works for your family.

I also recommend posting on the home ed boards to find your local HE groups for some get togethers x

PeachandRaspberry · 19/06/2014 15:08

Don't be daft, you'll just give him ammunition which he could use against you.

littlejohnnydory · 19/06/2014 15:37

You won't get a very good response to the idea of Home Ed on AIBU, I'm afraid. Predictably, people will now tell you that you can't possibly Home Ed if you are not a qualified teacher / qualified in every subject under the sun and that your dd will be socially isolated. Try the Home Ed boards instead - you may well find some others who have had conflict with ex-partners over this.

There are many in your position on the main Home Ed facebook groups. In cases where an ex-partner has taken it to court, the resident, Home Educating parent has often won.

How involved / caring has he been regarding her education so far?

LaurieFairyCake · 19/06/2014 15:41

The Home Ed is a red herring (home ed is fab) - this thread is about her dad having equal choice. If you can't persuade him there's no way you'll get a court to rule against him - particularly since she's doing so well at school.

Don't have babies with folk with diametrically opposed opinions to you

Seriously, there really isn't anything you can do. Take the focus off arguing with him and extend your daughters learning outside of school.

Education happens at home just as much as at school .

drivenbyyou · 19/06/2014 15:50

I withdrew my DS from school to home ed - I didn't even factor his father into it.

When he takes 50/50 shared care and actually has anything to do with the day-to-day running of my household, then he can have a say in decisions that affect ME and his DS. This decision didn't affect him in any way whatsoever. He had never been to a parent's night, sports day or any meetings I had with the school. He still had his 48 hours per fortnight (his decision - no extras) and it didn't interfere with anything he did at all.

So, I don't think you ABU. My opinion might have been different had your DD's father been more involved in her life though.

Hoppinggreen · 19/06/2014 16:08

Apart from the fact that your child's father does get a say in this I would also like to point out that being " highly qualified" does not make you a teacher.
Me and DH are highly qualified, DH in particular has degrees coming out of his wazoo but whenever he tries to teach our 2 anything it ends in tears all round.
If you choose to HE AND everyone is in agreement then fine but you need to do proper research and make sure you can and want to do it.
DD's school is generally really good but she has had a NQT this year and some difficult friendship issues, I would never consider HE though, I know I'm really not cut out for it.

Xihha · 19/06/2014 16:13

Surely shes only got a month left with that teacher, so wouldn't it be sensible to wait til September and see if the new teacher is any better?

Also what does your Dp think? and does her Dad have PR?

LaurieFairyCake · 19/06/2014 16:17

driven - that's because your ex didn't have any wishes. Unfortunately the OP's ex is actually against it meaning she can't just do it.

nicoleshitsinger · 19/06/2014 16:25

"Apart from the fact that your child's father does get a say in this I would also like to point out that being " highly qualified" does not make you a teacher."

Teacher training qualifies you to plan and deliver education to large groups of children of diverse abilities and backgrounds, within an institution, in accordance with the national curriculum. It's something that's very, very hard to do if you have no training.

Teaching one child - your own - on the other hand, is not something you need training for, just intelligence, commitment and a good relationship with your child. And a child who wants to learn with you.

As evidenced by the fact that many small children start school already reading and writing, dressing themselves, speaking well, and with good social skills. Most have been taught to do these things by their mothers.

nicoleshitsinger · 19/06/2014 16:27

Why is school the default option?

Why should the OP's ex's preferences for how their child is educated trump the OP's?

Hoppinggreen · 19/06/2014 16:32

Because she only seems to be considering it after a bad experience with one teacher.
Both parents need to work together for a child's education where possible
I am not saying that OP can't teach her child I'm just pointing out that being " highly qualified" doesn't mean you can automatically do it.

LaurieFairyCake · 19/06/2014 16:36

Because she's already in school and people like to minimise disruption

Because she agreed to send her their initially and the ex agreed

Because the child is doing really well there

None of these trump one parent over the other individually but taken all together it would likely be a unsatisfactory outcome in court. I can't imagine it being worth a legal procedure - nothing to stop the OP trying to persuade her ex though.

Lonecatwithkitten · 19/06/2014 16:51

Both parents have an equal say if they want different things and can't agree court is the only option. No one parent's opinion counts more. Until the court rules otherwise the status quo remains. This is legal advice that I received.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 19/06/2014 16:53

Not true, courts often find in favour of HE parents when the other parent disagrees what they are interested in is how likely you are to do it well.

They mainly issue orders preventing it where it's damn obvious the parent wanting to do it is not capable.

It is my understanding that the majority of applications trying to prevent HE by NRP's do not get awarded

LaurieFairyCake · 19/06/2014 16:57

Yes, but what the OP has posted about her dd is that she's doing really well at school and her and her ex agreed on the school.

The reason that home ed mostly gets awarded is because kids are generally doing really badly at school and the alternatives are worse.

The court won't make a change unless it's actually really preferable. And I just can't see it here. It's desirable, yes but I can't see preferable or definitely better with 2 people who aren't teachers and a child already working a year beyond her age.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 19/06/2014 16:57

You are right to try and improve matters for DD but if her father's against the idea of Home Ed I don't think you can make that decision alone.

Don't get me wrong - I think you are within reason to judge DD's teacher when DD goes to school bright and willing to learn, and the teacher doesn't deliver. Good teachers can stretch the pupils with higher ability within a whole class setting. But there's only a month to go now, if you are fed up raise this with the HT first.

PS You might almost see the low points of school as detailed as acquiring a social skill - understanding that occasionally, not all our peers know the same as us, doing dull stuff which nevertheless is joining in, tolerating the less stimulating moments, avoiding distracting others while teacher is talking.

MrsWinnibago · 19/06/2014 17:00

OP....your DD's reading is not so advanced that you need to pull her out in order to ensure she's challenged. What you need to do is speak to the teacher seriously and if that fails, the HT. Surely your DD will get a new teacher in September?

Booooooooooooooooooooo · 19/06/2014 17:13

nicoleshitsinger
Why is school the default option?

Why should the OP's ex's preferences for how their child is educated trump the OP's?

Because, I think the OP thinks the ex should be doing the Home Ed-ing too
On his 2-3 weekdays off work. If he's not truly behind the idea, how will that work?

Booooooooooooooooooooo · 19/06/2014 17:15

Ah sorry, misread - it is DP who would be helping to Home Ed, not Ex. As you were.

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