Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset with in-laws about DH's birthday?

47 replies

SquidgyMaltLoaf · 18/06/2014 23:48

I had a really good idea for DH's birthday - an experience day that he would love more than absolutely anything else he could do or receive. Can't afford it on my own so asked DM and DB if they wanted to contribute, which they did. Tried to call PIL to see if they wanted to, as if we all clubbed together we could get an even better one for him, and I didn't want them to feel excluded. Couldn't get hold of them so texted instead.

Rang them again today, as I didn't want to order it without checking with them first, to find they have clubbed together with BIL to get DH exactly the same thing (slightly different version that I could never afford). They have already ordered it and it was only coincidence that I've found out - nobody checked I wasn't thinking of the same thing, nobody thought to ask me my opinion.

I am really quite gutted, as nothing I can get now is going to measure up to that, and I'm really upset that they didn't even think to mention it to me. It's a significant birthday and I wanted to do something really nice for him and now whatever I do just isn't going to be the same! DM and DB are also really disappointed.

AIBU to think that they should at least have asked my opinion, given that I've been his wife for the past eight years?! It's just yet another example of them seeming to think that I'm not important!

OP posts:
DoJo · 18/06/2014 23:55

Hmmm - I can completely understand why you're upset, and it must be a real disappointment to you to have your idea pilfered, but I honestly can't say that I think it was unreasonable of them not to ask your opinion.

They obviously know him pretty well too, especially if you had the same idea, and if you could have afforded the all-singing all-dancing version of the experience by yourself, would you have run the idea past them?

You may have been his wife for the past 8 years, but they have been his parents all his life, so it's not as though they aren't entitled to give him a present that they think he'd like without asking you first.

However, it sounds as though you feel generally fairly negative towards them so I suppose past experience could be colouring your judgement in this instance, or perhaps this is exactly the kind of thing they would do to deliberately annoy you, but otherwise, I wouldn't attribute it to malice.

DoJo · 18/06/2014 23:56

Wow - quadruple negative in that first paragraph there. It basically boiled to to YAB understandably U. Grin

SueDNim · 18/06/2014 23:58

I think it depends on whether they deliberately nicked your idea or it was coincidence.

wafflyversatile · 19/06/2014 00:01

It depends. If they just thought of it independently then I'm not sure that they would consult. Do they normally? Do you think they booked it after you texted them?

YANBU for feeling disappointed and annoyed that it has spoiled what you wanted to give him.

How is your relationship generally? Can you suggest that the thing they have got could be contributed to from you too? Or you get another experience but give both from everyone?

BakerStreetSaxRift · 19/06/2014 00:04

YABU, they are his family, they don't need to clear birthday presents with you first.

Shit happens, think of something else.

JoeyMaynardsghost · 19/06/2014 00:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aeroflotgirl · 19/06/2014 00:16

Op I bet your dh will love your present too. I would go ahead with yours on a different day.

NoodleOodle · 19/06/2014 00:34

If they've got him something like drive a fancy car around a track for 20 mins you could go for something more as a couple - maybe go go-karting together and then stay in a nice hotel with an en suite hot tub.

YABU to think they should have checked with you first, especially as those experience days are pretty normal gifts to give for significant birthdays. When I had a job where we also sold them, it was mostly for men's 40th birthdays.

YANBU to be a bit upset tat your present won't have the impact you'd hoped, that's why I suggest you change it.

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/06/2014 00:49

Huh. Did they steal the idea or just not run the present they got for him by you? The first is shitty. The second is WTF? I wouldn't ask a spouse what I was allowed to buy for my family.

PrincessBabyCat · 19/06/2014 02:16

Something similar happened to me and DM with DH. We both got him the same watch he wanted for xmas. It's not quite the same since I gave it to him first so my mom gave DB the watch instead. But it is frustrating to get a double gift for someone.

Your DH will love whatever you get him.

sanfairyanne · 19/06/2014 03:27

did you tell them in the text what you planned to do? did they steal your idea? if so, yanbu and they are horrible

but if this is just one of those coincidences, i think it is a bit controlling to feel you should have a say over his present from his parents

Original poster
SquidgyMaltLoaf · 19/06/2014 03:57

I don't think they should need to ask my permission, but when it's something so obvious (it really is if you know my DH at all) I just think it's common sense to check they've not got the same thing. It has left me with three days to go to find something else, when the only reason I hadn't got it already was that I was waiting to hear back from them because I wanted them to be included if they wanted to. It's the one thing in the world he'd like to do above anything else and I'm just gutted now. Yes they did it after I sent my text.

OP posts:
Bananapickle · 19/06/2014 05:45

YANBU and they've been quite mean getting the present after you text them.
It's one of those situations where I think I live in a parallel universe to mumsnet as my PILs would never buy a present for a significant birthday for my DH without talking to me. Not to gain my permission but because out of respect for me as his wife (and yes wife does trump parental status in adulthood!!) they would want to check what my thoughts were.
Any chance you could ring them and offer to contribute to their all singing all dancing version so it is from all of you?

OliviaBenson · 19/06/2014 06:42

Wow they did it after your text? That is not on. Yanbu!

KnackeredMuchly · 19/06/2014 06:44

Yanbu very mean. Give us your budget and we'll help you find something even better with 3 days to go Flowers

TwinkleTwinkleStarlight · 19/06/2014 06:48

(and yes wife does trump parental status in adulthood!!) they would want to check what my thoughts were.

Goodness me. I didn't realise it is a competition. Shock

I understand that you are upset. Is there anything else that you can think of?

Ememem84 · 19/06/2014 06:51

Yanbu. I feel your pain. Mil has gone ahead and bought dh tickets to the rugby autumn internationals in nov for his birthday. I was going to get these. But she beat me to it (she knew I was going to get them). The match she's booked is difficult for us both to get to (we're not uk mainland) so will involve a flight. It'll involve days off work (which I don't have as all my holiday has been booked). And hotels in Cardiff on rugby weekend are ridiculously expensive. I'm looking at £600 for flights and hotel so w

Ememem84 · 19/06/2014 06:53

Oops.

So won't be able to actually afford to get him an actual present as well.

DoItTooJulia · 19/06/2014 07:02

Did you say 'oh, you stole my idea and didn't ask if I wanted to come in on it with you?' Because you need to.

Crappy way to behave.

Lets find you something better! Give us a clue!

unrealhousewife · 19/06/2014 07:04

YANBU.

Go to the event, take lots of pictures of you and him, then Facebook the pics without acknowledging who paid them.

WhereTheWildlingsAre · 19/06/2014 07:08

I do think they should have got back to you quickly but I don't think they need to check with you. Don't always know what my in laws are getting either.

pianodoodle · 19/06/2014 07:13

If they did it after you sent the text then they're assholes and YANBU.

HappySunflower · 19/06/2014 07:17

Have you told them how disappointed you are?

QuizzicalCat · 19/06/2014 07:18

My ILs got dh nothing again this year... I'd happily find something else if they nicked an idea, because at least then they would be bothering their arses like they do for his sisters.

What your ILs have done is shitty, but it could've been worse.

Aeroflotgirl · 19/06/2014 07:25

They did it after the text tests awful, tgey stole your idea for themselves. Your dh loves you, I am sure he will live whatever you give him. You can tell him what happened after his birthday so he knows, I would!

Swipe left for the next trending thread