To be upset with in-laws about DH's birthday?

[SquidgyMaltLoaf]

I had a really good idea for DH's birthday - an experience day that he would love more than absolutely anything else he could do or receive. Can't afford it on my own so asked DM and DB if they wanted to contribute, which they did. Tried to call PIL to see if they wanted to, as if we all clubbed together we could get an even better one for him, and I didn't want them to feel excluded. Couldn't get hold of them so texted instead.

Rang them again today, as I didn't want to order it without checking with them first, to find they have clubbed together with BIL to get DH exactly the same thing (slightly different version that I could never afford). They have already ordered it and it was only coincidence that I've found out - nobody checked I wasn't thinking of the same thing, nobody thought to ask me my opinion.

I am really quite gutted, as nothing I can get now is going to measure up to that, and I'm really upset that they didn't even think to mention it to me. It's a significant birthday and I wanted to do something really nice for him and now whatever I do just isn't going to be the same! DM and DB are also really disappointed.

AIBU to think that they should at least have asked my opinion, given that I've been his wife for the past eight years?! It's just yet another example of them seeming to think that I'm not important!

Could you afford something like a romantic weekend away with him instead?

Next time don't include them in any special birthday ideas, I would save next time if you want to do something special for birthday/Christmas. Let them do their own thing.

Before the text = unfortunate
After the text = downright shitty.

Are you sure it was the latter?

If it was after the text, I'm sorry to say that I'd do exactly the same thing, and make sure he got given yours first.

Then never include them in anything else again!

I'd make sure he knows that his parents have stolen your idea beforehand so he can enthusiastically thank you for thinking of it when he gets it (in front of them obviously).

That way you get the credit without having to pay.

Get him exactly the same thing and give it to him first. If it's something he loves then he may well like to do it twice :)

I'd also make it very clear to PIL that they've been absolute wankers if they did do it after your text, what a nasty thing to do.

I think it was unreasonable to get it without asking you if you had already, so actually nicking the idea is awful. Did they explain why, or why they couldn't even be bothered to text and tell you?

The idea about going twice though is good, if it's something he would absolutely love.

If they did it after the texts you sent then that's crap of them.
My MIL has done this before when I've casually mentioned I'm thinking of getting DH or DS a certain present for their birthday/Christmas she has rushed out and bought it before I could I've learnt not to give away any ideas now!
Could you maybe use the money you set aside for the gift for a night away/out together?

My mum would have probably read that I wanted to get DH something and couldn't afford it and gone ahead and got it herself.

Make sure you 'let slip' to your DH that they nicked your idea and you're upset, so at least you'll get the credit for thinking of it!

Yes they did it after I sent my text.

That's what makes it a bit shit. Actually my MIL has form for taking my ideas and claiming they are hers - but even she wouldn't do that or at least not without checking it was ok with me that they pay and I get something else.

I'm not sure it is fair to embroil your DH in this. It might spoil the day for him.

Could you ask them if you can contribute to their gift too, as you thought of the idea first so the present will be from all of you?

Are they still wanting it to be a present from you as well?

If you can't afford it without them, it was never going to happen without them, was it?

That's not to say that I think that they are totally wrong if they are now excluding you & intending to pass it off as their idea.

Tell your husband that you had a fab idea for his bday & ILs have chipped in to make it possible.

That is shit of them to do that. They could at least have had the courtesy to check with you that he was free etc.

I really hope it's not something as huge as a trip to the Grand Prix, that really is a once-in-a-lifetime.

Come on OP, tell us something re budget and type of thing so that we can help you trump them.

nobody checked I wasn't thinking of the same thing, nobody thought to ask me my opinion

I am confused...if they booked it after getting your text (as you later say) then they wouldn't have needed to check with you...they would have KNOWN, and in which case it is desperately and unbelievably shitty of them to uberschlong you in this way.

If however they got it before they got your text then it's just plain unfortunate and I see no reason why they should have run it past you (though it would have been good if they did iyswim)

OP I really think you should ring them and say you want to contribute too, as you were going to do the same thing. I doubt they'll say no, would they?

That's an excellent idea imho Typos

Phone up, say thanks for booking it for you & how much is your share?

So's that diddl

I think you need to call them, give them the benefit of the doubt to find out exactly why they did this, hopefully it was a misunderstanding but only make a stand when you really know exactly what's happened.

I think you need to call them, give them the benefit of the doubt to find out exactly why they did this, hopefully it was a misunderstanding but only make a stand when you really know exactly what's happened.