to tell work colleagues wife why he remains obese

[twistedsista]

The guy I sit next to at work is pretty unhealthy, will have a can of coke and a muffin for a snack and then at lunch get a burger, crisps and then will eat the reasonably healthy lunch his wife makes.

If anything he shouldnt eat the lunch as he's already consumed far too many calories and its more important what he doesn't eat than what he eats.

Would just ignore this but I'm getting quite friendly with his wife at the gym.

He has health concerns and she is worried about him and has saidna few times she's tried everything to help him loose weight but nothings working. I'm finding it increasingly hard to just nod sympathetically while knowing is gorging himself silly at work.

Should I just stay quiet or tell her?

"There's just no rhyme or reason to it"

Everyone knows an alcoholic who lived to a ripe old age, and an obese person, and a smoker - they are anecdotes, hence 'anecdotal evidence' which is the type that's useless.

You would have to be deluded to believe there really is "just no rhyme or reason to it"

I don't think i am deluded. I recognise excess weight is unhealthy and that it can contribute to an early death, but it certainly isn't the only factor and it's far, far more than one person I've known who is overweight and lives to a ripe old age.

To an extent though, this isn't the point. If someone doesn't want to lose weight, monitoring their food is counter productive really as it encourages secret eating and bingeing. I gained 4 stone when I had my DS years ago, going from 9'3 to 13'3. DH kept on about it, but I was eating because I was unhappy and I just used to go to McDonald's with DS and eat sweets and cakes in secret. It wasn't until he was 8 months I went on a strict diet and lost the weight.

Why is food addiction, and the inability to take responsibility for your health in this way, considered somehow above criticism? If this was alcoholism or any other addiction that, yes, does affect your family, especially when this man is lying to his worried wife about it, would people be saying how "livid" they would be that their precious greed was being questioned?? Poor wife, greedy lying selfish man.

Apart from the last line, (as I think he probably has a problem rather than being greedy and selfish) I completely agree with this.

Food addiction is no better or less harmful than any other addiction.

I have anorexia. When DD1 was a toddler and I was doing a PGCE I went to great lengths to be seen by my housemates/friends (don't have a DH so this is the only comparison I can use) packing a proper lunch every day and taking it into university.

They would talk to other friends about how well I was doing. Those friends (from university) could see me throwing it away and struggling to get through the day. They told my housemates. I was pissed off at the time but I don't blame them now.

Why should they have kept quiet? It was stupid unhealthy behaviour and it wasn't their responsibility to help me to lie to and deceive people. I don't think this guy's situation is much different.

No she's not his "mommy" she's his caring loving wife who would like to see him get to healthy old age, unlike his father. You'd like to think he would think the same way, but apparently not! Apparently he cares too little about how his children and wife might feel if he followed his father's pattern to stop stuffing his face full of junk.

I can't be doing with this whole "it's his life, they're his choices, he's an adult, let him get on with it" - if it was a different sort of bad life choice that put him in danger of dying young, would you all be so happy to let him get on with it without trying to help him change? I doubt it.

She CARES about him, she's not trying to control him. She's not "gossiping" about him, she's discussing her fears and worries with her friend.

Yeah, but even if he is food addicted, telling his wife about what he's doing at work won't stop him. Just like dumping out all the booze in the house, it won't stop an alcoholic from finding a way to get their "fix". He won't stop until he wants to stop.

As it is, I doubt he's food addicted. Most food addicts are ashamed of their food consumption and try to hide it. He's being pretty open and unabashed about what he eats, not anxious around it. It's not hindering his work performance, and it's not hindering his family life outside of his wife getting upset with him.

He's just eating what he wants where his wife can't yell at him.

Really, work and personal life should be kept separate, I wouldn't blur the two if you can help it.

hmm this is a strange one...my initial instinct was to keep quiet...but if you substitute secret drinking for secret eating then suddenly I am quite sure I would intervene. And this could be as damaging as secret drinking...maybe more so with a family history of problems.

He has health concerns and she is worried about him and has saidna few times she's tried everything to help him loose weight but nothings working. I'm finding it increasingly hard to just nod sympathetically while knowing is gorging himself silly at work.

This is the perfect opening to say that of course he can't lose weight because he's eating so much at work.

If this was the other way around people would go mental about a bloke trying to monitor and police his wife's weight.

Don't say anything.

His lunch isn't a state secret, it's weirder to listen to her worry about possible genetic problems when you could just say 'he eats and drinks a load more than you think' - surely?

Maybe suggest she watch an episode or two of secret eaters, would explain him not losing weight without you having to 'tell' on him.

I was going to suggest the same!

Do you think he is eating elsewhere, too? If he is a big bloke, I'm wondering if an extra muffin and burger is really enough to keep him obese. Overweight, sure, but obese? Several slim women in my office eat muffins and burgers every day (and then the cookies and the lattes ...).

Rambling a bit here ... just wondering if you could be off the hook because it may also be food he's eating on the way home as well as in the office, which you wouldn't be obligated to know about. If that makes sense.

If someone doesn't want to lose weight for themselves then they won't and outside pressure about it will lead to exactly what's happening here, hiding his eating habits from his wife. He is unhealthy but he is an adult and he needs to address his behaviour himself. He is already aware his dad died young and his wife worries. I wouldn't tattle on him to his wife, you have to work with him afterwards. Frankly I try not to get involved in my colleagues personal lives, my only concern is maintaining a good working relationship. I would ask his wife to leave me out of it and stop telling me personal things about a colleague.