To force ds to do extra school work/revision?

[Bouttimeforwine]

Ds hates school and it's always been a battle to get him to help him with anything connected with school. It doesn't help that his sister doesn't need our help as she finds academic life very easy. I think possibly he thinks if he doesn't make any effort, he can't "fail". He achieved average level 4's in his year 6 sats.

We didn't really push or pressurise him in primary, as the battles were not worth it and he is a fairly anxious child. We didn't want to put further pressure on him.

Now he is in year 7 at secondary. He doesn't seem to have progressed much this year. His sat levels appear to be the same. He has put in minimum effort with homework etc.

We have been trying to get him to do some revision for his end of year tests. We have been emphasising that it doesn't matter what his actual test results are, as long as we can see him put in some effort beforehand.

Many arguments, crying, linking time revising to xbox time, and general misery later, I'm wondering if it is all worth it.

I'm worried that if we don't start putting some pressure on him now then he is going to fall further and further behind.

Aibu to force him to work next year?

Please give me positive stories about your reluctant learners and how they suddenly have an epiphany and realise they need to work at school.

So I was lazy at school and I wish someone had forced me to do work, until I realised that it was a good idea on my own. ??. not doing the work led me to get vastly below what I could have achieved.

Linking revision/work time to x box sounds perfect. As an adult you (should) know about the work play balance... To suddenly know that you have to learn it as a child and it wasn't something I picked up on my own....

Hope that helps....

I would suggest support rather than pressure. Have you got to the bottom of why he won't work - is it because he finds it hard, or is he just very tired every day?

Try working out a schedule with him - not for him - but with him. So he can play xbox when he gets home for an hour. Then have tea. Then work for an hour. Or whatever schedule works for him - eg homework doesn't have to be done first in the evening.

And does he have a space of his own to work in. Does he want a space of his own or does it make him feel isolated? ( one of my 3 could only work in the lounge with people coming and going because she felt lonely in her room). If he wants his own space, it should ideally not be where he sleeps or plays xbox as that won't feel different.

Does he work best in short bursts - 15 mins on, 15 mins off. Or is he a sit down til it's done type of boy?

Is he best working with music on (although at year 7 he's maybe too young to know yet) - my now youngest works with classical music playing. The eldest worked in silence.

All of these things may be relevant and may help you change what has obviously been a tough experience this year - best to make tangible and visible changes for next year or you'll just repeat the same battles.

But in answer to your question, I'd say yes, definitely need to get him on track now as you can't just pick up a few gears when you get to GCSE years - successful habits start early.

Thanks. That makes me more sure that we are doing the right thing. I suppose what worries me is that because he is a fairly anxious child, any extra pressure will stress him out too much.

We have said that we will get him a maths tutor, but I resent paying £30/40 p/h for something that both DH and I are capable of doing, if only ds has the right attitude. We can't really afford a tutor without making sacrifices. On the odd occasion he has got down to it, and concentrated, then I've really enjoyed helping him and he actually understands it.

Grrrrrr. I'm so frustrated.

He has a desk in his room or he can work at a desk downstairs with us. We have tried short bursts and longer bursts.

We've set times but then someone Knocks on the door to play out, or football is on or 1001 different excuses why he wants to do it later. If we refuse then he won't concentrate because he is upset etc. then later comes and he is tired etc.

I guess we just have to be consistent.

A friend's son came to see me yesterday (to sign an application for something) and as we were chatting he said he very much regretted his lack of effort in secondary schools and he wished his Mum (my friend) had been much tougher on him.

I pointed out that it had been his responsibility, not his parents, and he agreed, but told me the rot had set in when he was 11/12 and couldn't see the impact it would have. By his GCSEs he just hadn't built up any good habits and couldn't take it all seriously.

So there you go, OP...

I think the real issue here is that he hates school, and associates home work with the bad feelings he has at school. I don't know if you have ideas about why he has such negative feelings, and if you (or maybe people on MN) can come up with some suggestions to improve things. It would be great if you could find a way of helping him actually be interested in what he is learning, the way young children love learning before they start school.

One of my children just loves music, and has only started reading for pleasure recently because he found an amusing autobiography of a musician he admires. I am still amazed when I see him carrying a book around, which he hasn't done for years. Does your son have a hobby or interest which might get him into reading for fun, or collecting information in some other way?

I think anything which might wake up your son's curiosity and build his confidence would make him feel more able to tackle school work.

I think the main reason he doesn't want to do anything is that he hates school and just doesn't want to spend precious spare time doing more stuff he hates, when he's already done it all day!

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Make a routine and make it very manageable.

If he's doing nothing at the moment don't make the task too big. Ten minutes of him being engaged is far better than an hour of him being fed up.

Make the work easy too so he doesn't feel overwhelmed.

Once he's settled into a routine ten minutes a night and feeling positive about it, you can talk to him about increasing it. If he's feeling successful, he'll probably agree and he'll definitely learn more.

Anyways, here's my advice ...

You have to make effort with school work non negotiable. Like table manners, bedtimes and brushing teeth.

In an ideal world you want him to understand the importance and for him to want to do well...but that's not the way with some kids.

So until that point comes, or until you feel comfortable that it really now is his own funeral, you need to set up strict rules. School work takes priority before games, friends etc.

Don't feel draconian about this. All around the world, children have to prioritise walking to wells for water, looking after their siblings etc well before fun. They can only dream of prioritising a free education.

Finally, make sure you are consistent. No effort, no quid pro quo.

Howeever, if there is effort, make sure you do build in the balance .

Have you discussed his progress with the school? What do they think?

Can they make suggestions as to what he should concentrate on, what strategies to use?

Have you used online resources? Many boys respond well to those.

My DC's are all older now but none worked particularly hard at that age. They all did their homework but didn't put lots if effort into it. They all picked up the pace for gcses on their own accord. I think it was because there was a definite reason to put the work in whereas it doesn't matter so much at your sons age. Sometimes it can be good for them to find out the hard way that if they don't work they don't get the results.
My DD2 had just finished Her AS's and has worked incredibly hard - I've not had to nag her once.
It's a hard balence but sometimes I think it's best if they motivate themselves rather than relying on other people to tell them when to work. All four of my kids are glad I left them to work things out for themselves.

Do you know why he hates school? Is it more than just the normal sort of "would rather be doing something else" or is it more than that? If it's more than that maybe you need to address that first.

What do his teachers say? Form tutor?

I suggest that to start with you find out how long the school expects year 7s to be spending on homework every night, and insist on that. If there isn't any set homework, then get him to read a book (that you have chosen together- not the Match Annual!). Put a timer on, and, as Word says, make it non negotiable. Stick to that for the time being. It may not seem like much, but better baby steps than trying to do too much.

Lots of boys come to education of their own accord about Y10 or so when 'real' exams loom and they can see a point in it.
What you are suggesting risks putting him off for good.

I do. We're learning Russian. He's lazy to learn, but very proud when we go in shops or see neighbours.

No real problems at school. His best friend went to a different secondary and he misses him. He has stuck to his comfort zone of other friends from primary and I feel he would be happier if he made better friends with other kids that he has more in common with. He is popular but isn't gregarious and prefers to stick with the known.

I think we will just have to be consistent and start off with small chunks, hopefully building up the time.

The danger with your approach hiandbye is that he doesn't do it of his own accord. Dd is a different kettle if fish. She doesn't make much effort either, but I know that when she needs to she will up her game. Ds not so sure

If you ask him why he hates school what does he say?

It's boring!

snushine i realise I may be putting him off for life. That is why I haven't pressurised him up till recently. But he is getting further and further behind. I am worried that I may leave it too late if I don't start making him work now.

But yes I don't know if I am doing the right thing, hence my aibu.

People seem to be divided in their opinions too.

Do you definitely know he is falling behind?

It is OK to expect a child of this age to sit down and do some work even if they don't want to. However, the more anxious he is, the less able he will be to think and the more counter-productive it becomes.

You need to make the tasks short and easy to achieve so that his anxiety doesn't spiral and make it impossible.

Don't worry about what he's learning at this stage. Work on making it a pleasant, positive experience. That will give you a firm foundation on which to build more challenging tasks in the future when he has more confidence and resilience. Be careful never to make the tasks longer or harder than he can cope with fairly easily.

He hasn't moved on since his year 6 sats tests, according to his last school report a few weeks ago.

Hmm I'm kind of on the fence here.

Part of me would say regardless of school work limit X box and time on line. This will affect his mood/sleep and attitude to doing anything else. It has a drug like addiction.

He may simply not be doing homework as the pull of gaming is too string to resist.

I'm not for forcing kids to do school work generally, aiming to turn out self motivated organised learners by the time they are 18 ad knowing that they may under do the study at times but natural consequences ( not doing as well as you think you should/getting beaten by your mates) or school consequences ( re do this work at break). Will happen.

I guess you need to talk to school. Is he working/ achieving targets for them? If so then not sure what you'd do (though limiting Xbox what ever I think) . If they can't see the difference between "can't be bothered and so not making progress as expected" and " can't actually do the work so not progressing" I might be wondering if he as at the right school. If " can't be bothered" is an issue at school they need to be "persuading" him to be bothered!

Did his report have effort grades as well as attainment grades? What did he get for MFL? Has he hit any targets?

(Sorry for the Spanish Inquisition!)

He is not making the effort he was, at the beginning of the year. I think there is a lot of low level distraction within the class and I think he is being drawn in to that. His teacher rang recently about it. He has never ever "been in trouble" before.

It is the "best" school in the town, except for the single sex school his best mate went to. That used to be selective though and is very academic. He would have absolutely crumbled under the pressure of that, and we didn't apply there for that reason.

I agree that the xbox has a strong pull and a negative impact on him. We do try to limit it.