AIBU to not be sure about sending DS to nursery before school?

[Mixedupmind]

My son is 3 1/2 and is due to start at the school nursery come September.
He is an October child so will be nearly 4 by this point.
It's for 3 hours a day 5 days a week which is going to prove quite restricting as its afternoons and I also have a 2 year old to fit around.

My main reason for not being sure about sending him, aside from the fact this is our last year together before he starts reception next year, is that whilst he's a bright energetic happy kid, he struggles a lot with anger and if another child annoys him in the slightest, sometimes by just walking too near him, he can lash out.
He has never hit a girl, no matter what they may have done to upset him but with boys of a similar age he will and no matter what we have done to try and enforce all hitting is wrong / tactics to try and divert him / encourage him to let out anger in a different way, he still seems to lose his temper and forget everything we've spoken about.
I'm guessing it's just a lack of emotional maturity at the moment and I can't see dropping him into a room with 20 other kids and 2 teachers helping.
Or am I completely wrong?
Has anyone been in a similar position?

He might benefit from nursery, in terms of socialising and behaviour, he's only little so I wouldn't worry about the hitting stuff yet.
My 4yo goes to school nursery in the afternoon, it is restricting but I'm so glad we sent her, she's come on inleaps and bounds and really enjoys it.

He want learn these skills if you keep him apart from other children but impulsive behaviour can be perfectly normal at 3 as is not listening and processing behaviour for next time . Having said that maybe a school nursery is too full on and he might be better suited somewhere for fewer days/hours and less formal. Could you look for a cm or playgroup/preschool environment instead ?

Thanks for the reply
We are out socialising everyday at all kinds of different places and if he's entertained he's happy, but when he's not it can be dreadful!

won't not want !

I think nursery might be good for him, for the reasons you outline in your op.

Try him. You can always pull him out if it's not working. But nursery is sort of a "trial run" for school in terms of behaviour expectations and stuff like that. Also IME with a good nursery the staff are very experienced with this age group to tackle their normal developmental phases re anger etc. It is common and a lot of children go through it.

How about sending him to a nursery / childminder who offers the 15 hours as full days? Saves the hassle of back and forth to nursery every day and he might settle better.
A decent nursery / CM will ( hopefully) soon teach him social rules

It's a school nursery which I like as it's the school nearest us so fingers crossed where he would go next year.
I have the meeting with who will be his teacher next month and then a home visit in August.
Do I tell them about his anger issues?
I'd hate them to label him naughty before he's even begun.
I just thought maybe another year with me with direction may help but can also hinder I guess :(

How about a setting which would be more amenable to 2 or 3 sessions a week.I found every morning a total PITA

It's not that you "hinder", but he stands to learn by watching his peers and experiencing appropriate interactions.

Sounds like nursery or pre-school will help him to develop the social skills he needs to start school.

But there is no reason it has to be for 5 days a week. You might find the tiredness that comes with 5 days a week makes his issues worse. 3 days would be good imo, is that possible?

I think they can behave very differently with another adult supervising and respect their "rules". It isn't as much as you hindering as them need to experience the world and learn through observation, interaction and routine. I doubt his anger issues are that unusual but can understand it is mortifying to watch. Don't fall into the trap of assuming being at the nursery will help in reception , often the two are run separately and attendance at nursery doesn't get you any higher up the list when it comes to allocating places.

I wasn't keen on school nurseries as they have less adults per child ratio than a pre-school. The pre-schools near us are flexible as to how many days (we just did 3 initially) and seemed more play based/ less of a "school" ethos.

It might be worth looking at other options?

My DD went to a nursery who offered 3 school days instead of 5 half day sessions done wonders for my DD who gets quite angry and has a really bad temper. She slotted straight in at school as well. She absolutely loved it and I had time to do stuff instead of racing back for her after a couple of hours. She's an end of July baby and coped fine

My DD attended a private nursery as he school nursery didn't offer 3 school days

I wasn't keen on any of the local pre schools when I looked at them and to make matters worse we've had a few closures / kids escaping from them in our area!
The school nursery won't entertain the idea of any less than the full 5 days apparently ( according to other forums I've been on )
It seems a lot considering he's never been away from us in this kind of setting, only ever with family members.
I guess without trying him I won't know, Im just very aware I won't get this year back and would hate to look back and think why did I throw it away when we could have been having lots of fun / learning together
Lots or issues running around in my head!
I do hope the anger is something he grows out of, it's been a good year now of his temper getting the better of him and him lashing out.
When does it become a " problem " rather than just toddler behaviour?

Try it, seriously. I was worried because DS was so shy and reserved at toddler groups. He did go to a childminder but there were only one or two other children there and he had warmed to her initially so that was easy for him. She was concerned too because he was so shy in bigger groups. But the first day I took him, expecting him to cling to my leg, he saw something he wanted and shot off! I was totally shocked and surprised (in a good way!) - took a couple of weeks to wean him into leaving me without tears, but he was fine, and wouldn't have wanted to do less than the 5 days.

Why don't you ask the school nursery directly? They may agree to trial 3 days to start with, for example, and gradually build up to 5 over the year.

I would not excuse it as 'toddler behaviour'. Its natural for toddlers to try out new behaviours, but the reaction has to be to teach them that some behaviours are unacceptable, and teach them how to manage their behaviours, rather than try to excuse them. Violence towards others is always unacceptable and should be dealt with by removal and firm telling off immediately.

I suspect that in a nursery situation he will learn to behave quite quickly (whether that carries through into the home environment or not - often not!). The social pressure from other children, and the authority of the nursery staff will probably 'get through' to him more than a telling off from mummy who he knows loves him anyway (not just you - most children can be awful with their parents and angels elsewhere!). The nursery staff can also talk with you to develop new strategies if it is a more pervasive issue.

Thanks :)
I guess I'm just ready expecting the " can I have a word " chats which the thought of is filling me with dread!
Everyone I've spoken to say to give him a shot, he might act differently when I'm not there to sort it out for him which could be true.
Very daunting as it is as he's never been in any childcare setting so just feels very stressful also having this issue to deal with too!

My little boy has been to a child minder from 10 months as I returned to work but, although he is generally very well behaved (for a 2.5 year old!), when he is a horror it is only ever with me. For his child minder he is an angel. Apparently they let out their frustrations in front of the person they feel most comfortable with (usually a parent) so as others have said, he may well thrive in an environment where you're not there.

I'm a bit puzzled by the "he's never hit a girl"

If he loses his temper and lashes out- surely he wouldn't care whether it was a boy or a girl?

Ithinkwearealonenow,
Of course I'll be happy to work with the nursery if there are issues.
I'm certainly not a parent who sees no wrong in my own children, in fact sometimes I think I over analyse trying to work out why certain behaviours happen!
We have explored every avenue with this hitting malarkey, very firm boundaries, going straight home after one incident, to gentle positive parenting, where I praise him lots on good days and talk to him about why he's hit out if it happens and we then apologise to the child he's hit together.
Both work short term but come the next day all is forgotten and it will happen again if someone gets on his wrong side :(