AIBU to not be sure about sending DS to nursery before school?

[Mixedupmind]

My son is 3 1/2 and is due to start at the school nursery come September.
He is an October child so will be nearly 4 by this point.
It's for 3 hours a day 5 days a week which is going to prove quite restricting as its afternoons and I also have a 2 year old to fit around.

My main reason for not being sure about sending him, aside from the fact this is our last year together before he starts reception next year, is that whilst he's a bright energetic happy kid, he struggles a lot with anger and if another child annoys him in the slightest, sometimes by just walking too near him, he can lash out.
He has never hit a girl, no matter what they may have done to upset him but with boys of a similar age he will and no matter what we have done to try and enforce all hitting is wrong / tactics to try and divert him / encourage him to let out anger in a different way, he still seems to lose his temper and forget everything we've spoken about.
I'm guessing it's just a lack of emotional maturity at the moment and I can't see dropping him into a room with 20 other kids and 2 teachers helping.
Or am I completely wrong?
Has anyone been in a similar position?

I really think you should go in and have a chat with the nursery now. Any decent nursery provider will be more than happy to talk with you over your concerns in advance - about both the number of days and behaviour concerns. They should not make you feel that you have a 'bad' child; they have seen it all before and worse, and should be able to allay your fears by talking you through how they would address any issues. And most importantly - working with you on them. If they don't give you reassurance when you speak with them, then you should be going to talk to other pre-schools anyway to find one that you can work with.

(PS - pre school isn't compulsory. If its a nice day and you fancy going off and doing something else, simply don't go!).

Nursery isn't compulsory. I didn't send any of mine to nursery (I was lucky - at the time I was able to stay at home with them) and didn't have any problem when they started school.

You might get a lot of scare stories about how they won't cope when they go to school, were they 'refusers', will they recognise their name/numbers/whatever it is that they decide they need to know before they get to school nowadays, but you know your child best.

If you're set on nursery but not sure about the behaviour, do as PP have said - give it a shot. If it doesn't work out, just withdraw and try again later if you want. Nothing to be lost by giving it a try.

I was unsure about school nursery - my DS was the same age, and DD was 2. DS was shy and I was worried he wouldn't cope with 5 mornings, or the larger room with 26 children. In the end he loved it - it was right for him and by Easter he made his first close friend, a real breakthrough for us.

It was sometimes a hassle to do the "school run" twice a day, but it gave me time on my own with DD to go to activities. And we still had every afternoon and weekends to play as a family.

Speaking to the staff and visiting a few times was helpful. It made me confident that they would be sensitive with DS and help him. We had gradual entry - visits of 1 hour with parent, then staying for 1 hour alone etc. They were happy to extend this settling in period where needed, and even drop Fridays if the week was too long.

Have a chat with the nursery - be honest about your behaviour concerns/ questions - they should be happy to support you. Best of luck OP.

I can't explain the not hitting girls thing, maybe as they don't generally hit but if they say something unkind to him he's far happier to let it go than if a boy does.
Same with babies, if a baby yanks his hair ( example from yesterday at a park! ) he wouldn't dream of hurting it, it does seem to be boys aged around the same as him.
I will def talk to the school on my visit / home visit about my concerns and see whether they are willing to reduce days if it seems he isn't ready for the full 5.
If not, it's no big deal.
To be honest, in my heart I don't think he needs to go.
We enjoy our days together and if it wasn't for the guilt about starting him next year at nearly 5 for full days, having never been separated from family I wouldn't be sending him at all!

You know he doesn't have to go 5 days a week - until compulsory school age it's completely up to you. My dd goes 2 mornings and I think she's the only one who doesn't go 5 mornings but she gets on fine.

However, I don't think there's any harm in not going as long as your ds is socialising with other children.

I think school nurserys can refuse to take you if you don't do the full 5 days. If you sign up to their nursery you sign up to their rules type thing? Possibly funding/space related as they can't fill the gaps. A school nursery is much mroe structured.

It's a reason why we went to a pre-school instead.

In my local authority we are not allowed to insist on a certain number of days or hours attendance in order to access funding. However, we suggest a minimum of 2 as in our experience, any fewer makes it difficult for children to settle and form relationships. I would suggest that you speak to both the nursery and the local authority to check the facts around the funding allocation.

In terms of your ds's behaviour, I would suggest that it's a really good idea to enrol him at nursery. The nursery teacher and teaching assistants will have worked with many children with anger issues (I know that I have!) and will hopefully provide lots of opportunities for your ds to learn the social skills he needs.

Thankyou for your replies
I think you're right, we should give it a go before thinking its not going to work and have a chat with the teachers beforehand

I also think you should send him. I've had a million (well not a million- but you know) 'can I have a word' chats at pre-school this year. I'm so glad we have! We've worked with the staff and DS to help him learn appropriate social skills and despite being August born I am now confident he will cope well with Reception. I think he would have been at a disadvantage had he not had the 'practise'.

Could you not just send him to 3 mornings? You are not obliged to use the full 15hrs.

Charlesryder,
We will send him.
It's not every day he has these problems, sometimes weeks can go by with no problems at all so I guess I can't really call how it will pan out.
The school have made it clear on their acceptance form that you are agreeing to the full 5 days of 3 hours so I don't think there will be any mediation on this one which is such a shame

You could just not send him in 2 of the 3 days each week. They can't force you!! However, you would have to be quite ballsy to do it!!

You'd be doing him a disservice if you didn't send him, children need to learn to socialise with other children before they start school. At least this way he can ease in more gently than if he has to go from being at home all the time to being at school for five full days per week.

Well done for deciding to do the best thing for him, I know it must be hard but you're doing the right thing.

You might be surprised at how much he enjoys it. I wasn't keen on nursery really, thought pre school a much kinder idea, but actually he has settled so so much better at nursery than he did at pre school - I think it being the same staff, same kids, same time every day really helped, as pre school was much more random.

I don't think nursery or pre school is essential, by any means, but it is a very gentle introduction to school, is not compulsory so you can sort of 'try before you buy' the school, and you can still keep your child off whenever suits you really! My ds is a September born, and coming to the end of nursery, and although I'm not sure he has learned any academics from it, he has made so many friends, learnt a lot about appropriate behaviour at school, and has enjoyed it, so is desperate for reception to start now! I'm really glad we sent him, and will be sending dd next year, although she is a summer born so will be teeny when she goes! As I currently ha e to drag her away kicking and screaming when we drop her brother off eveo day, I think she will enjoy going herself!

is that whilst he's a bright energetic happy kid, he struggles a lot with anger and if another child annoys him in the slightest, sometimes by just walking too near him, he can lash out.

So if he doesn't go to nursery and learn non-hitting behaviour, he will just lash out when he goes to school?

Lasttango,
God no not at all what I want!
I was thinking him being at home, obviously still going to parks / soft plays / farms / playgroups etc where other kids are he would learn acceptable behaviour just from me rather than a teacher who also will have 19 other kids to look after

Our pre-school had one key worker for each 6 children, and often all sixe weren't in at once... much better ratio.

My little boy is also 3.5. He hits when he's angry or frustrated, or sometimes just because. It's pretty normal at that age and the nursery won't blink an eyelid. They'll have seen it lots of times before.

My boy started pre-school a year ago and it has worked wonders for him socially. I understand your concerns - I had them too and still steel myself when I go and collect him. But he's improved loads since he's been there and I'm so glad I sent him.

I'd bite the bullet OP. Better that he gets used to the rules about behaviour towards other children now than when he goes to school, where hitting is not going to be tolerated.

Finney2,
Thankyou
I wish my heart and head werent saying different things but unfortunately they are :(