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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My son was in a car accident today

57 replies

LuisSuarezTeeth · 17/06/2014 21:54

His father, 8 weeks ago, told him by email that he did not intend to see him any more.

DS was not hurt, but very shaken up. I sent a text to his father and 2 hours later the reply was "Glad he's ok. Thanks for letting me know."

AIBU to think he should have contacted DS?
AIBU to think he's a cock?
AIBU to ask why the hell he is not interested in his child's welfare?

Yes, huge backstory

Sorry.

But really, what kind of father does that???

OP posts:
Original poster
LuisSuarezTeeth · 17/06/2014 22:19

Name7 he emailed my DS to say that he would no longer see him or have any communication with him

OP posts:
thecatfromjapan · 17/06/2014 22:21

I think you're only opening the door to more pain - for you and your son. I also think that this has to be the thing that makes you stop trying to make a relationship that isn't there. It's just laying the foundations for rejection for your son. You;ve tried. It's not happening. This really has to be time when you say "No more". Not just Mr Pointless.

I read something very sensible in relationships the other night: a poster said that there are some people (well, men,) who really just aren't suited to life with human families. I think your ds' father is one of them. So, it's time to say goodbye.

Anyway, I'm saying all that because you probably need to hear it, to help make you feel it is OK to do what you know you need to/want to. I hope it helps you.

I am SO glad your ds is OK. Smile

I am happy for you and your ds that you have each other: that is good and wonderful thing. Smile again. I hope you have many, many years in which you can love each other, and remind each other that the world is wonderful and exciting and joyful: I guess both of you have the capacity to love and to hope.

Whatever the future holds for ds' father, there is always going to be a bit of him that is incapable of drinking joy from the world. It is something missing in his soul. Which has led to a deal of trouble for you and your son - but that will pass - and, I suspect, a lifetime of just missing the point of this beautiful life for your ex-partner.

Doinmummy · 17/06/2014 22:21

I'm so sorry for both of you. My ex dipped in and out of DDs life for years. She's now refuses to speak to him. He keeps sending me long , painful texts about how hurt he is. Knob.

You DS will be fine , he's got you . X

thecatfromjapan · 17/06/2014 22:23

Goodness, that opeining paragraph made no sense: I meant that your ex (Mr Pointless) should not be allowed to be the one who says: "Go Away" whilst you (and your ds) chase. I think you have to permit yourself, and your ds, the power to say "No More".

Good luck.

Name7 · 17/06/2014 22:25

He sent that message after he found out about the accident? There is a special place in hell marked out for him. Poor you and your son. Xx

jay55 · 17/06/2014 22:25

Several of my (mid to late 30s) friends wished their mums a happy Father's Day last weekend. Your son knows he has you, and knows you've done your best and knows he can count on you. He dosent need a dick of a dad.

Original poster
LuisSuarezTeeth · 17/06/2014 22:34

Name7 no he sent the message 8 weeks ago.

Thank you all for the support. I've never felt so angry. Going to be with DS now but appreciate all the comments and will check in in a while.

OP posts:
Isabeller · 17/06/2014 22:44

You and your DS are both in shock I imagine. Reach out to RL people who will support you both and try to detach emotionally from this man at least until you both feel stronger. Good luck x

Name7 · 18/06/2014 07:34

Sorry, should have read back again! I think you need to just withdraw from any communication. I think therapy is a good idea for you both. Big hugs x

MintyCoolMojito · 18/06/2014 08:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MarshaBrady · 18/06/2014 08:46

God how very hurtful, your poor ds. But I think you might have to close that door and be very strong. Together you and your ds need to do the same, pretend he doesn't exist.

Because this must be painful for both of you. What a fucker.

madbutnormal · 18/06/2014 09:16

Even my badboy dd turned up when iwas in an accident years ago. He is not fit to use the name father

skinoncustard · 18/06/2014 09:21

I understand why you contacted him, as any person with an ounce of feeling would want to know about the accident, but his father has now made his position crystal clear. Sad as that is , it's now time to erase the moron from your lives and move on. As someone further up said your son wants 'a life well lived' , not to try and prove anything to anyone ( for that in itself could weigh the poor boy down) but for himself. You will both be in shock after the accident so be kind to yourselves , take a day or two , then stand up and face the world head on. Neither of you want or need someone so destructive in your lives. Hope your son feels better soon . Xx

Melonbreath · 18/06/2014 09:41

Unfortunately even total lovers make working sperm. But the good news is their sperm doesn't make losers!

It's a horrid horrid thing for your son, but he's better off without than with an indifferent father.
I hope he gets his success anyway and this doesn't hold him back.

Original poster
LuisSuarezTeeth · 18/06/2014 17:42

Thanks for the comments. I suppose I thought he had a right to know, daft as it sounds.

He said in his email he would still send birthday/Christmas cards, so this will be a twice yearly reminder. Perhaps I should ask him to stop?

DS is fine today milking it being careful with his back. Grin

OP posts:
MintyCoolMojito · 18/06/2014 17:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
LuisSuarezTeeth · 18/06/2014 17:52

I will Minty, thanks.

I've never discussed the email with his Dad, at first I was too angry, then couldn't see the point.

OP posts:
Happydaysatlast · 18/06/2014 17:54

What a nasty cunt. You and your ds enjoy your lives and bollocks to him.

myusernameis · 18/06/2014 17:57

Well said happydays. I couldn't have put it better.

NoodleOodle · 18/06/2014 18:13

You've done more than enough to give this man a chance to be a father, but you can't as he doesn't want to be. I'm glad your son's okay after his accident, and that he has you for support in his life.

I find it even more annoying when I think about parents like this man who carry on with their 'childfree' lives, admired by colleagues and friends, even going on to have other relationships where they are an active parent to a child, biologically theirs or otherwise. It seems so unfair that they are 'getting away with it'. I kind of wish they could be stamped with a permanent brand (like on a cow's arse), right on their foreheads for life so that everyone can see at a glance that they're a despicable un-parent. -I guess I'm a little bitter, huh?

hoobypickypicky · 18/06/2014 18:37

Darling, your son doesn't need his father. He's got a brave, loving mother who's more of a 'man' and sure as heck more of a dad than that cock will ever be.

He's got YOU.

I think he's very lucky.

xx

Original poster
LuisSuarezTeeth · 18/06/2014 19:20

God noodle you've got it down to a tee.

Thanks all, kind and wise words.

Going to let the dust settle and chat to DS over the weekend. I've calmed down somewhat but still stinging about it a bit.

OP posts:
Original poster
LuisSuarezTeeth · 18/06/2014 19:21

Despicable Un-Parent

I like this a lot Grin

OP posts:
MiscellaneousAssortment · 18/06/2014 19:29

Oh I empathize with that horrible moment when you're caught out once again thinking that the father will have normal human reactions and emotions... And then he reminds you again how far from that he is.

Sometimes, no father is better, and in this case, I think you'd be doing right by your Ds to put some boundaries of your own. Flowers

Itsfab · 18/06/2014 19:35

Glad your son is okay. How does he feel about going in a car again? If he is apprehensive could you take him for a drive soon?

As for his father, give it up. I totally understand why you did it but don't bother anymore, you are just going to upset yourself.

By telling him you are giving him status as a father when he has decided he doesn't want to be one anymore. If you told him because you want him to be a father then you are wasting your time. If a car accident can't make this WOS man up, nothing will.

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