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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think there is somthing off about this, but just not quite sure what

91 replies

ElectronEagle · 17/06/2014 05:30

Friend A is self employed - she does admin and some bookkeeping. She has been working part time for Friend Bs older brother on his reception for £15 per hour. She runs a limited company and invoices him though there. All fine.

She has now said that he has offered her the role of running his office / his accounts and liaising with his external accountant, and is going to be paying her £50k per year. This will be plus VAT as she will continue to invoice him through her company (as well as do work for other clients)

For background. We have been friends since we were 4. We are in our earlier 30s, brother is 23 years older, and when we were younger (13) the brother was involved with A. There was a massive kerfuffle about it at the time, and he moved away from the area. He moved back about 5 years ago.

Both B & I have said to A that it seems a little odd (B & her brother are NC), but she has accused us of being jealous (we are also accountants).

It just seems like a lot to pay an essentially unqualified person to turn up for about 20 hours per week (although she will be available the other days - just working from home) and I cant quite work out why it bugs me.

So I said id put it to the MN jury and see whether its just me and B BU because of what has gone on before, and whether we should "get over it and be happy that she is doing so well"

AIBU?

OP posts:

Lioninthesun · 17/06/2014 08:04

Does he have kids OP?
Sounds like he may be happy to overpay her if they are together and then he can pay out less in maintenance? Wouldn't be the first to try to keep a woman/use a woman (whichever way you want to look at it) this way!

londonrach · 17/06/2014 08:23

Poor friend a. Please be there for her. This pervert is using her in a horrible way. He's paying for something and I really hope it's not access to friend a daughter. I'd be very worried. Come on mn there must be something someone can do. This has red flags all over it. I'd be very very worried.

caramelwaffle · 17/06/2014 08:34

caramelwaffle · 17/06/2014 08:35

Good point Lion

Wouldn't be the first. Won't be the last.

newfiechops · 17/06/2014 09:03

What on earth does his wife think about all this? Or does she not know about what happened - can't imagine it's something they would chat about.

KoalaDownUnder · 17/06/2014 09:04

And to be fair at the time it split everyone. Those who believed and those who didn't.

Those who believed and didn't believe what? Please tell me there was nobody who believed it was a genuine relationship or something. She was 13!!

This is all a lot creepier than you seem to realise, OP. I know your friend is an adult now, but she's in dark territory getting this closely involved with a pedo who stole part of her childhood.

I'm not sure what you can do, but I'm confused that everyone who knows her seems blasé about it.

mumteedum · 17/06/2014 09:06

Koala I think this blasé attitude is how they get away with it sadly. People don't want to face reality. Easier to minimise.

KoalaFace · 17/06/2014 09:13

This is so very sad and worrying.

Has she mentioned spending any time with him socially?

I wonder how much his wife knows.

mumteedum · 17/06/2014 09:21

I wasn't inferring OP was being blase btw, I was more agreeing that the people who were adults at the time of the abuse in this case and no doubt many others are blase. The recent historic cases have shown how many people just don't want to believe it can happen.

OP I don't really know what you can do other than express concern and stay vigilant and be there if she is able to work out for herself what is going on.

Lioninthesun · 17/06/2014 09:32

The scary thing about this thread is how the 13yo's all believed it was love and there is still an element of that to this day. Teenage girls being jealous of an older man's affection, probably feeling slightly guilty for flirting with him and wondering if they led him on. They were all victims as they apparently don't see that he was the one very much in control, and still is.

EllieQ · 17/06/2014 09:35

I'm not sure how you can address this with your friend, OP, but would it be worth contacting her Ex-H and telling him about the situation, as he is the resident parent for their daughter. He may not know about the 'relationship' A had with this guy, but I think he should be made aware in case A introduces her daughter to him.

YeGodsAndLittleFishes · 17/06/2014 09:48

OP. Talk to B. Show this thread to her. Both of you get some counselling to come to terms with this.

Where was this man when he went away, who was he with and why did he come back? Is he on the sex offenders list? Talk to the local police. If there is anything to go on, leave it to them to talk to his wife.

50k? Yes, 50k for a few years should get A good and comfortable, and doing anything he wants. He is already indispensable again in her eyes. His motive is to groom the daughter.

YeGodsAndLittleFishes · 17/06/2014 09:55

The other pwrson to talk to is As husband. As a parent, he can see if he needs to get a restraining order to keep this man away from his daughter.

ppplease · 17/06/2014 09:58

Did this bloke used to be a teacher?
Or someone in a position of authority?

noneofyours · 17/06/2014 10:16

I'd be very worried about the daughter. That amount of money is far too much and since everyone knows what he did to A it's not hush money fo her, but it's blatantly extra money for something else.

Is A infatuated with this man? Do you think he is still able to manipulate her as he did when she was a child? She may not be seeing the whole picture and truth and is looking at this without seeing reality, instead seeing a picture she chooses which included thinking her pay is normal. The fact that she is vulnerable already and needs the money makes her the perfect victim for this man.

The fact that she's accusing you of jealousy OP is a defensive way of pushing you away and not wanting to face any other truth then the one she makes up.

TwinkleTwinkleStarlight · 17/06/2014 10:27

Agree with this

Original poster

ElectronEagle · 17/06/2014 11:41

Sorry everyone, went on the schoolrun and then had to meet a client.

Ill try and reply to everything, but sorry if I miss something:

cozie she doesnt think he would - her and him were love, its not that it interested in young girls its that they were soul mates at the time B & I agreed, and we did a lot of covering up for them in situations that now make me feel very ashamed.

He has been married for 10 years roughly I think - his wife is unwell, and I think very dependent on him - they dont have any children.

Yes it split the village into those that thought it was As parents making up spiteful tales against a nice decent chap, and those that thought he was a slimeball. I know the police were called, as they spoke to me, but to my both B & I told the police that we didn't know anything about it. A told them her parents were making it up. It was Bs parents that found them together, and they very much took the stance that A was contriving a situation as she clearly had a crush. It was that that kicked it off - they told As parents to keep her away as she was going to end up getting him in trouble.

Since he left he moved away up north and has been up there ever since. As I said he came back several years ago following his dads death and is now involved in the family business.

I did wonder about telling Ss dad. I see him at rock climbing as DS2 and her are in the same group, but I know hell go (understandably) nuts.

OP posts:

EllieQ · 17/06/2014 12:02

Sounds like A was made out to be at fault for 'causing trouble' instead of being seen as the victim!

I think you should tell him. Her Ex may not know about their relationship, or might have not been told the age gap (if someone told me they'd had a 'relationship' at age 13 with a friend's older brother and it has caused trouble, I would assume they meant someone in their late teens, not in their 30s). It's better for him to know than not know. It sound like it was all minimised when it happened, and it shouldn't have been.

Do you know why B isn't in contact with her brother? Would she be a better person to speak to the Ex?

cornishbaby · 17/06/2014 12:09

You have to tell that little girls dad. You have to give him the opportunity to protect her.

At this point OP.. you are stuck on a fine line of protecting yourself- as someone said up thread, to watch it unfold once is bad but twice. . Take care of yourself. But please, contact the police. Tell them everything you know.

Your friend will not thank you right now while she is under his hold, but if you can do everything in your power to stop this and prevent this, one day when she's had help, she will recognise what you did and be grateful. Or maybe she won't, but if you can protect her daughter then it'll be worth it.

LemonSquares · 17/06/2014 12:34

I did wonder about telling Ss dad. I see him at rock climbing as DS2 and her are in the same group, but I know hell go (understandably) nuts.

Sucks but if he's not aware then he can't protect her.

I have to say my first though was it was to keep friend A around - either to rekindle a relationship, to shut her up or because she is brilliant at her job. When you mentioned her DD - it immeidelet seemed the obvious answer.

I don't think friend A is going to be in an emotional position to watch our for her DD - this guy has already messed with her boundaries growing up. The girls Dad is in a much better position to protect their DC.

DenzelWashington · 17/06/2014 12:57

PLEASE TELL S'S FATHER. PLEASE DO.

And make sure when you do you tell him that you are witness to the fact there was an abusive relationship, it isn't just gossip.

I would also be inclined to talk seriously to A about the reasons for not getting entangled with her abuser again.

somedizzywhore1804 · 17/06/2014 13:06

I actually don't think this sicko is interested in the daughter. I could be totally and completely wrong and I understand the theory of exercising caution and agree with it entirely, but I suspect his motivations are still very much to do with his original victim.

Even if she is now in her thirties/forties my guess is that she reverts to being that 13 year old with him. For some reason that clearly suits them both in this situation- her, I'm guessing because she doesn't know any other way to be with him and probably it evokes the excitement in her that she felt back then- him, because he's a sick motherfucker who gets off on her still being a kid around him.

In my situation one of the main things that broke the whole thing up in the end was that I grew up. As I said up thread, the abuse began when I was 13/14 and the relationship continued until I was in my early 20s. My abuser attempted to stifle any natural maturing in me- from wanting me to stay "nice and skinny", i.e childlike () to trying to stop me from pursuing my studies. I think it's a tactic of this kind of abuser. I would bet money on the fact that this guy still essentially finds the same things attractive in your friend that he found attractive back then and that they slot back into the adult/child roles. He certainly won't be wanting her behaving like an adult woman in his company. Even after the abuse ended, I once bumped into my abuser on the street and we had a brief (although very troubling for me) conversation and I walked away feeling 14 years old, even though I was almost 30 and a professional myself. I cried for hours after that encounter, because it was clear that even after I'd broken free of him, he could still turn me into a little girl.

Sorry for the epic post but another thing worth pointing out from my own experience is that I didn't actually identify what happened to me as abuse for a long time. I became a teacher and still didn't really see it as abuse. I knew it wasn't right but I wouldn't have called myself an abuse victim. It wasn't until I met my now DH and told him everything (he's a teacher too) that he pointed out that I was badly abused and should seek professional help to come to terms with it. I did and it really helped me- just being able to say "I'm SomeDizzy and I was a victim of abuse by a man who was meant to be looking after me" was a huge step and a massive step on the road to coming to terms with it and healing.

I'm guessing your friend has never had anything like that- are you close enough that you could suggest it? Until I took the steps to seek help/therapy I actually felt a bit sorry for my abuser and took partial responsibility for what had happened Getting professional help changed my perceptions and made me realise that it wasn't my fault. In re colluding with her abuser, your friend may actually be trying to appease some misplaced guilt she feels for "getting him into trouble".

Sorry that was much longer than I intended but hope it helps.

cozietoesie · 17/06/2014 13:21

An awful situation for you, OP, even if you didn't have your own shame at covering up years ago to add to the mix.

You're likely going to alienate someone here so I think you have to put thoughts of that aside and concentrate on the immediate issue which is ensuring the protection of that child. (Although I take on board what somedizzy said.) I would tell her father. Your friend is clearly not in a position to do anything herself or she would at the very least be in straits about the fact that she had put both you and B in an untenable position those many years ago. (And still is.)

WyrdByrd · 17/06/2014 14:22

Why is your other friend (B?) NC with her brother?

cozietoesie · 17/06/2014 14:52

Interesting point. I'd overlooked that one.

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