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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think there is somthing off about this, but just not quite sure what

91 replies

ElectronEagle · 17/06/2014 05:30

Friend A is self employed - she does admin and some bookkeeping. She has been working part time for Friend Bs older brother on his reception for £15 per hour. She runs a limited company and invoices him though there. All fine.

She has now said that he has offered her the role of running his office / his accounts and liaising with his external accountant, and is going to be paying her £50k per year. This will be plus VAT as she will continue to invoice him through her company (as well as do work for other clients)

For background. We have been friends since we were 4. We are in our earlier 30s, brother is 23 years older, and when we were younger (13) the brother was involved with A. There was a massive kerfuffle about it at the time, and he moved away from the area. He moved back about 5 years ago.

Both B & I have said to A that it seems a little odd (B & her brother are NC), but she has accused us of being jealous (we are also accountants).

It just seems like a lot to pay an essentially unqualified person to turn up for about 20 hours per week (although she will be available the other days - just working from home) and I cant quite work out why it bugs me.

So I said id put it to the MN jury and see whether its just me and B BU because of what has gone on before, and whether we should "get over it and be happy that she is doing so well"

AIBU?

OP posts:
Fideliney · 17/06/2014 06:22

Maybe. What do you think OP? Could you talk to her?

Fideliney · 17/06/2014 06:33

I do think you almost need to put yourself first in this, though, actually. To have been on the edges of something at 13 that you are only now beginning to recognise as paedophilia, which is now reigniting, is quite a big thing.

And of course there is also the third friend, who is the sister of the abuser Sad

I would only speak to friend A if you judge it is likely to have a positive impact. It is a messy situation not of your making. It is not your job to rescue everyone. Flowers

ViviPru · 17/06/2014 06:33

I don't think she sounds receptive either. Unless the OP treads very carefully, the friend could completely distance herself, leaving her even more vulnerable.

3littlefrogs · 17/06/2014 06:33

I would be worried about the fact that A has a daughter. Presumably the daughter sees her mother some of the time, even though she lives mostly with her father. Paedophiles don't change - maybe he has got his eye on the daughter?

jaynebxl · 17/06/2014 06:42

What 3littlefrogs said.

OnIlkleyMoorBahTwat · 17/06/2014 06:46

Admit it seems weird, but I don't understand why she is VAT registered unless the services she normally supplies are much more expensive, or there are other partners in the company as VAT threshold is about £80K and if she's supplying mainly services, rather than goods, it's not like she has purchases that the VAT can be claimed back on?

Surely £60k pa FTE is about double the going rate for even the best office manager, unless its in high finance or she is a qualified accountant or other professional like a solicitor?

cozietoesie · 17/06/2014 06:47

It sounds like hush money to me also. Has she recently mentioned, at all, the possibility of having charges laid against him?

cozietoesie · 17/06/2014 06:50

£50k per annum is such a nice round sum.

CouldntGiveAMonkeysToss · 17/06/2014 06:54

Yes, this is very strange. Sounds like he has some sort of hold over her. I would be very concerned for her daughter.

DustBunnyFarmer · 17/06/2014 06:55

How old is her daughter?

Original poster
ElectronEagle · 17/06/2014 07:11

matilda I did try. I did tell her that is was as unwise as possible to be. A doesn't think she was abused though, so any mention of him as anything other than wonderful causes arguments. I think she still views him as she did then. And to be fair at the time it split everyone. Those who believed and those who didn't.

Fid I don't know how receptive shed be, and as I struggle to articulate quite why I feel so weird about it, especially when she doesn't feel weird at all, makes it hard to talk to her about it. I was trying to go down the - the whole pay / situation will look suspicious to HMRC and you don't want to get him / you in trouble but shes not having any of it.

B is livid. As I said shes already NC with her brother and has been for a while. Him coming back really shook her, and she has a massive falling out with A when she started to work for him P/T.

littlefrogs don't say that. that thought terrifies me. As daughter is 8, so hopefully not interesting enough, and also hopefully safe. Id like to think it was just a one off, of him having massively inappropriate feelings for his little sisters friend, that will never reoccur, and hes trying to make amends for the shit by helping her out now - but im pretty sure that's an extremely daft way for me to think it, and is actively minimising the shit that went down.

OnIlk Shes got a bookkeeping qualification, and is part qualified though her AAT, but doesn't have massive experience with accountancy. (For comparison - im a self employed accountant, CIMA qualified and my charges vary from £30 - £70 per hour depending on the work im doing) The VAT is because the £50k will take her over the threshold combined with the other clients she has.

Cozie No not a chance. She doesn't think he did anything wrong.

OP posts:
Original poster
ElectronEagle · 17/06/2014 07:14

Dust S is 8. She spends most of the week with her dad, as he lives closer to her school. A sees a lot of her, but currently a lot of her classes / activities are nearer her dad, so a lot of the time shes ferrying her around to those rather than having her with her at her house if that makes sense?

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 17/06/2014 07:21

Electron

She may not think anything he did was wrong but that doesn't mean that he isn't sensitive about it, especially when there's been much about historic cases in the media recently. It could be an extra 'bonding' move.

By the way - if she thought it was OK, how would she feel about him taking up with her daughter?

BeckAndCall · 17/06/2014 07:25

Are you sure she's being entirely truthful with you about the pay rate - maybe she's exaggerating fro some reason ( and as you know, with the VAT threshold if she times over the threshold -£66k, I think - she has to charge all her clients the extra 20% so she needs to think that through).

Or is she mentioning all of these details to you as a way of asking for help?? Either consciously or not? Maybe she doesn't actually want the job but is just not able to say 'no' and is looking for a way out and talking to you about all of this detail is maybe hoping that you will point out that there is something wrong here and for her to back out?

It is all very strange: someone who owns their own business would not, for no good reason, hand over a £50k annual free for a part time office manager unless there was something else going on.

matildasquared · 17/06/2014 07:27

Or is she mentioning all of these details to you as a way of asking for help?? Either consciously or not? Maybe she doesn't actually want the job but is just not able to say 'no' and is looking for a way out and talking to you about all of this detail is maybe hoping that you will point out that there is something wrong here and for her to back out?

You know, that's a good point.

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 17/06/2014 07:27

It's hush money.

He's not admitting it in case it 'puts ideas in her head' but that's what it is. The Operation Yew Tree publicity cannot have escaped his notice.

AskBasil · 17/06/2014 07:30

He's got an eye on her daughter.

She's only 8, plenty of time to groom her.

Paedophiles are happy to put years into grooming a child on the offchance that they will gain sexual access at the right time.

Fideliney · 17/06/2014 07:35

Or is she mentioning all of these details to you as a way of asking for help?? Either consciously or not? Maybe she doesn't actually want the job but is just not able to say 'no' and is looking for a way out and talking to you about all of this detail is maybe hoping that you will point out that there is something wrong here and for her to back out?

If there is an element of that, then it's deeply psychologically complex. She has already bawled the OP out for questioning the arrangement - she's not close to being dissuaded. She needs professional help, if she will accept any.

ppplease · 17/06/2014 07:36

She is obviously still massively in love with him. Or smitten or whatever. First love can be very powerful.

What has he been like meanwhile.? What has he been up to? What has his lovelife been like?

ppplease · 17/06/2014 07:37

I agree that no way will she get help about any of this.

bumbumsmummy · 17/06/2014 07:40

Oh what a awful situation if I were you I'd ring the police for advice, for all you know this man may have come back to escape from something

Your friend is lost to this and there's little you can do she's an adult, however sounds like he is paying her off but more importantly could he be paying to spend time with her and her daughter in some sick twisted way ?

Making her feel obliged to him. you can't change the past you were 13 however you can protect the future an that 8 year old child

And just hope her maternal instincts have a much stronger sway then the hold this man has on her

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 17/06/2014 07:41

Wrong on so many levels.

She's got kids?! Yeah he's probably grown out of his predilection for young girls and 8 is far too young... Pish piffle and poppycock

somedizzywhore1804 · 17/06/2014 07:53

I've told this story before on mn so apologies if you know of it/me but I was abused by a teacher of mine who was 15 yrs older than me from the age of 13/14.

Whilst it's obviously had a massive impact on my life in many ways, one thing I am absolutely sure of is that if he "came back on he scene" and tried to so much as engage me in conversation, I have a hardcore group of friends and family who would kill him.

The abuse happened in secret but when it came out I had a good support network including my parents, siblings and close friends of a similar age. Why has your friend not got this? Is it common knowledge, what went on or is he being covered for by someone?

Fideliney · 17/06/2014 08:00

Good point some

phantomnamechanger · 17/06/2014 08:01

I agree with the pp who said this is about grooming her in a different way, to keep quiet about the abuse. Enough witnesses/people know about this, they were caught in bed together - there is every chance he could go to jail should she decide to go to the police. There is also the possibility it is actually all her idea and she is in effect blackmailing him to keep her silence!

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