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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To send a condolences card.

35 replies

Mandatorymongoose · 17/06/2014 00:06

I've just heard through mutual friends that my ex boyfriends father has passed away suddenly.

Ex and I were together for 5 years and lived together so I knew his parents quite well and they were always very kind to me and DD. I split with ex 6 years ago and we're not really in contact although bump in to each other now and again. We're on polite terms but his new wife utterly hates me - she totally blanks me and ignores my existence even if we're in the same room.

Would I be unreasonable to send ex's mother a card just to say how fondly we'll remember her husband? I don't want to antagonise ex's wife in any way (I'm hoping one day she'll manage cold politeness and make it easier at events we both attend) and I'm concerned she might view it as a reminder of my part in ex's history. I really would like to just quietly send a card though since his parents meant a lot to me once and I know DD would like to share that sentiment too.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 17/06/2014 00:15

YANBU at all

Just quietly send the card. She probably wont even know and even if she does, it's really not her business.

Sorry for your sad news Flowers

olgaga · 17/06/2014 00:24

Is your ex your DDs father? If not I'd leave it. Obviously if you happen to meet your ex or ex's mum you can offer your sympathies in person.

I'd rather do that than have a well-meant gesture being misconstrued or used to make a drama.

MrsDowneyJunior · 17/06/2014 00:28

My ex & his parents sent cards to my grandfather and my parents when my Nana died. I wanted to stab them all in the throat with a rusty screwdriver.

Original poster
Mandatorymongoose · 17/06/2014 00:33

No, ex isn't DD's father. They were surrogate Grandparents of a sort from her being 3-8 so she remembers them well and she is Facebook friends with ex's siblings.

OP posts:
Freckletoes · 17/06/2014 00:33

I would say send the card. It's not about the ex or the new wife, it's about showing sympathy for a recently widowed lady who you once knew well.

Original poster
Mandatorymongoose · 17/06/2014 00:34

Why the stabbing wish MrsDowney?

OP posts:
steff13 · 17/06/2014 00:42

I think it would be lovely and appreciated.

WorraLiberty · 17/06/2014 00:45

When my Mum died, two of my exes sent condolence cards and I thought it was nice.

Why wouldn't they? They remembered her fondly and my Dad too, so sending a card seemed fitting.

You can't erase someone's past just because you're in a relationship with them. My DH didn't bat an eyelid...it wouldn't have crossed his mind to as the memories weren't his to comment about.

Blueuggboots · 17/06/2014 01:09

I'd send a card.

sykadelic · 17/06/2014 01:20

You're not sending it to him, you're sending it to his mum. A woman you loved and respect and who is going through something hard and would appreciate knowing you heard and thought of her.

I don't see anything wrong with it personally.

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/06/2014 01:49

If one of my parents died I would be very touched if my exH sent a card. He wasn't a great H and I don't see him any more but it's one more person who remembers your family kindly.

daisychain01 · 17/06/2014 02:08

I would send a card

We are all part of the human race at times like that.

cozietoesie · 17/06/2014 08:00

You and DD should send a card. It's about your ex's parents and not his current partner.

madasa · 17/06/2014 08:11

I would send the card without a doubt.

Me ex dp sent a card, a donation and attended my dad's funeral and the wake. He was part of my life for 8 years and adored my dad. I saw no reason why he shouldn't have done any of the above.

My dp had no issues but then he is a grown man who understand that life doesn't always fit into neat little boxes.

I think it would be a lovely gesture.

Clayhead · 17/06/2014 08:14

I would send a card and did in those circumstances. I was thanked by ex and his mum when I bumped into them afterwards.

whois · 17/06/2014 08:44

I would send a card.

thegreylady · 17/06/2014 08:47

Send the card, it is lovely to know that someone remembers the deceased with fondness.
When my exdh died his wife invited dh and I to his funeral where we were greeted with great kindness and courtesy by her and all his family.
For those who know me from other posts I have been married 3 times. The ex referred to above was dh1 from whom I divorced in 1968. Dh2, the father of my dc died in 1986 and I have been happily married to dh3 for over 25 years now.

Cocolepew · 17/06/2014 08:51

Yanbu, I would send one.

Melonbreath · 17/06/2014 08:53

Send the card, it's a thoughtful thing to do.

weebarra · 17/06/2014 08:56

Yes, send the card. It's not about your ex or his wife.

Elenorrigbywoes · 17/06/2014 09:15

Send the card, it's for his mother not his wife. People can get great comfort from cards and messages of support.

capitalC · 17/06/2014 09:21

i would send the card , i went to my ex fil`s funeral , he was a lovely man , unlike his son.

everlong · 17/06/2014 09:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HannerHet · 17/06/2014 09:48

Yes send the card
mrsdowney I'm assuming there is some backstory there? Confused

Andrewofgg · 17/06/2014 09:55

Please do it, it's a good thing to do.