To send a condolences card.

[Mandatorymongoose]

I've just heard through mutual friends that my ex boyfriends father has passed away suddenly.

Ex and I were together for 5 years and lived together so I knew his parents quite well and they were always very kind to me and DD. I split with ex 6 years ago and we're not really in contact although bump in to each other now and again. We're on polite terms but his new wife utterly hates me - she totally blanks me and ignores my existence even if we're in the same room.

Would I be unreasonable to send ex's mother a card just to say how fondly we'll remember her husband? I don't want to antagonise ex's wife in any way (I'm hoping one day she'll manage cold politeness and make it easier at events we both attend) and I'm concerned she might view it as a reminder of my part in ex's history. I really would like to just quietly send a card though since his parents meant a lot to me once and I know DD would like to share that sentiment too.

A card is a lovely thought, potentially therapeutic for you and DD, as well as a kindness to your ex's mum.

Were you considering going to the funeral, or is that a step too far for you personally?

Thanks all. I'm pleased it generally seems ok to send a card. I'll let DD write it and pop it in the post today. I don't think we'd attend the funeral - not that we wouldn't want to but I don't want to intrude and certainly not add any drama at such a difficult time.

To clarify the reason I felt (and still feel 3 years on) like that is because before she died they borrowed money off her and then hassled about paying it back, they also behaved absolutely disgustingly, lying about me, causing problems in the divorce and hurting my daughter and my grandmother hated them at the end. The 2nd to last conversation I had with her was her shouting about him calling him a "bastard" and "he's not a man!" and then they turned up at the funeral so I couldn't go and spent the day alone while they were with my whole family shaking their hands and giving out hugs and condolences... The stress they caused her probably brought on the illness that finally finished her off. If they ever cared about her they would never have acted as they did and they would have stayed away and let her family grieve without their drama at the funeral. Who do they think they are?? They think they are so important that their card makes a difference and would be missed?? They think they were so important to her that she would want them at her funeral?? They treated her so well in life that they think they are entitled to "pay their respects" at her death?? It's got me crying again about it now so I'm going to leave it but if people weren't there in life they should stay away in death.

Do get in touch but a letter, not a card.

The relationship was a significant one. Believe me, while anything is better than nothing, a letter will be even more appreciated.

Probably because it will be one of the few.

It would be a lovely gesture to send a card from you & your DD.

My ex & his parents sent cards to my grandfather and my parents when my Nana died. I wanted to stab them all in the throat with a rusty screwdriver.

You obviously split on good terms then?

I would send a card, it's such a nice thing to do and it won't do any harm. When my dad died, brother's ex-wife sent a card to me (not DM- for various reasons). It was such a nice feeling receiving it and knowing she was thinking of me (DB and her were together for 20 years)

1999 whilst I appreciate that mine was a different circumstance with my Nana and my ex I wouldn't assume sending a card couldn't do any harm, there are a lot of circumstances where it could. Or a letter or any kind of communication. I can name easily 20 people I would be highly insulted to receive any kind of condolences from should someone close to me die again and it would cause me as a grieving person further upset and stress. My rule is simple, if they weren't there in life and caused upset or stress in life then stay away in death.

If you feel that the grieving person would welcome a communication from you and that under any other circumstance you would be able to drop them a line and all would be fine then go for it. But if under any other circumstances it would be weird to contact them or you know they'd tell you where to go or the last time you spoke it was tense then no. I remember when my life fell apart and I lost everything in 1 day my ex best friend of 30 years text me out of the blue to say she was there for me. 2 years previously she'd stabbed me in the back and set the ball rolling for the eventual crumble and getting that text was devastating. It ended up being almost harder to swallow than the event itself and she was soon warned by those around me to stay away because I was out for blood after that. I really do think if people weren't there in life or on the way up, don't try and step in in death or on the way down. Of course a condolence card from someone you bear no ill feelings towards or someone you care about is more than welcome if the person is the card and support type.

My Dad died in Feb this year, my ex GF knew him well.

I did not have a second thought about inviting her to the funeral.

It just seemed natural.

(But then we are still friends)

I had no problem with my DHs exW coming to his funeral. It was as much for their DCs, my DSCs, as for her, although she never caused me any problems so I had no reason not to pull as many family members together as possible at such a devastating time

fat lot of good it did me, 2 out of 3 DSCs have since disowned me

Hey ho, such is life, I smile quietly to myself, their loss!!