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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just want to go home...AIBU?

70 replies

Wanttocomehome · 16/06/2014 11:11

I am 17 weeks pregnant. DH and I have been on holiday so far for two weeks. The first week of the holiday I spent in and out of hospital with pneumonia that I brought via a chest infection from home. We are at the end of the second week now and I am exhausted, still recovering and getting preggy symptoms like heartburn, pelvis/hip/back pain, constipation.

I really just want to go home, but DH has arranged another week in another city (same country), another budget hotel. We supposedly fly tomorrow.

I have asked him several times before this if we can just go home (all flights/hotels are cancellable/refundable) but DH is extremely upset with me. He is saying that I am snubbing the holiday he has given me and that I am well now so I should just be enjoying it. He has arranged multiple dinners with friends in this other city who he hasn't seen for years and I think he really wanted to introduce them to me/announce pregnancy etc.

I am "well" but I am exhausted. It tAkes a long time to get over pneumonia, and the last thing I want are these hard beds which cause me pain so I wake frequently in the night and eating out of the mini bar because I'm too tired to go out. More expensive hotels are not an option.

He says that I am being a hypochondriac and a "victim" now and blaming my inability to do anything on pregnancy. The thing is, it's true! I am finding it hard to eat/sleep and I am so tired too. I am too hot and I put the air conditioning on in the room, but then DH gets too cold and switches it off. We are supposedly having a beach holiday but every day for the last few days has been massive humidity and storms, so we are in the room a lot together and at loggerheads.

I said I will go back without him so he can enjoy the holiday and he says that's a huge insult and attention seeking of me.

Who is BU?

OP posts:
Vintagejazz · 16/06/2014 12:38

YANBU and your DH sounds childish and selfish and needs to grow up if he is about to become a father.

Subtext · 16/06/2014 12:38

Monumental twattery from your husband I'm afraid OP.

Pregnancy can be tough. Mine was plain sailing until I became severely anaemic at 25 weeks and was quite ill for the rest of my pregnancy.

If something like that happens, can you rely on him?

nyzz · 16/06/2014 12:43

Seriously? Tell him to get stuffed. Sorry, but he sounds very childish to me.

3littlefrogs · 16/06/2014 12:43

He is being inconsiderate, insensitive and cruel. You need to be at home, in bed, convalescing for your sake and your baby's.
I was extremely ill during the whole of all my pregnancies.
We went on holiday during the first one as we thought I might be feeling better by 25 weeks.
I was so ill that I really didn't enjoy the holiday. Thankfully it was only a week.
YANBU and he is being very, very unreasonable and selfish.
Is he like this about other things?

olgaga · 16/06/2014 12:57

I had pneumonia when I was 27. After 4 days in hospital I didn't leave the house for 2 weeks, and needed a further 4 weeks off work. Even then I felt weak, tired and had badly acheing joints.

I can't imagine having to go through that while pregnant and travelling.

I'd pack my bag and get a cab to the nearest airport. If your H refuses to cut this "holiday" short can you go to family or a friend to recuperate?

He sounds selfish, inconsiderate and disrespectful. It doesn't sound as if he cares for you much at all!

3littlefrogs · 16/06/2014 13:04

I would go home without him and just keep on going OP.
He sounds really nasty and selfish. Sad

whois · 16/06/2014 13:05

Wow. He sounds like a right twat.

I get that his desire for some 'couple' time and some relaxation time might be driving his behaviour but he's being really horrible.

Petrasmumma · 16/06/2014 13:08

I think everything's been said. Pneumonia is a tough recovery without being pregnant as well. His actions demonstrate a significant lack of respect for you on multiple levels. I'm sorry.

Suggest you take yourself home, then consider how to proceed from there once you've got some energy back. Put yourself and your pregnancy first.

movingtoourwillow · 16/06/2014 13:37

Tell it's a five star hotel or home

movingtoourwillow · 16/06/2014 13:37

Tell him...

Icimoi · 16/06/2014 13:48

Is this man utterly stupid or what? Doesn't he understand what pneumonia is? Does he think pregnancy is just something everyone sails through without the slightest twinge, ache or pain?

The one and only reason I can see for staying is so that you can indeed meet his friends and tell them all about how he thinks you bounce back immediately from pneumonia and that the symptoms of pneumonia and pregnancy combined equate to hypochondria and being a 'victim'. You might find that he suddenly becomes keener on you going home the first time you recount the story!

AnotherStitchInTime · 16/06/2014 13:50

He is being incredibly selfish.

My DH says LTB, if he can't put you first over his social life when you are pregnant and recovering from a serious illness (when even typically selfish men would) then it does not bode well for him putting you and your child first once the baby is here.

He suggests you tell him that you are leaving regardless, do not give him an ultimatum that he must come with you, but if he doesn't he is showing you no love and respect and you can do better.

You must put the health of you and your baby first, pneumonia is very serious especially in pregnancy when your immune system is depressed and it can re-occur if you are not careful. Go home and rest.

SarahAndFuck · 16/06/2014 13:50

Can you book a flight or change your existing one and come home without him?

It sounds terrible for you and I don't blame you for wanting to come back to your own home, your own doctor and your friends and family.

Flowers for you.

CoffeeTea103 · 16/06/2014 13:52

Yanbu, poor thing. I would just go home. He's so incredibly selfish.

MrsWinnibago · 16/06/2014 13:54

Why don't you just go home OP? He's not got all the tickets or something I assume?

MagicCarpet · 16/06/2014 13:59

Bloody hell. I'd have gone home already to be honest. Pregnant with pneumonia? Sounds rough. Have these Thanks and a hug and go and get some rest. (Not dinners out, travel and a beach holiday ffs)
He needs to seriously get some perspective on what's important to him here.

PunkHedgehog · 16/06/2014 14:23

Here's official advice on what to expect when recovering from pneumonia (bolding and the bits in square brackets are my commentary).

  • 1 week - fever cleared [you are here!]
  • 4 weeks - less chest pain and phlegm [less, not none]
  • 6 weeks - less coughing, breathing more easily [more easily, not completely normally]
  • 3 months - most symptoms gone but you may still feel tired [so no wonder you're exhausted at only 1 week after]
  • 6 months - back to normal

And that's without even considering the fact that you're pregnant as well.

Go home.

PatriciaHolm · 16/06/2014 14:25

If you had pneumonia just last week, I'm staggered you aren't still mostly in bed this week. You run the risk of making yourself seriously ill. Does he have any idea how ill you were? Was he there for you in hospital?

SouthernComforts · 16/06/2014 14:29

My dd spent over a month in hospital then 5 months in bed after pneumonia. She had to learn to eat and walk again. It is not just a bad cold!!

If you want to go home then do.

commonorgarden · 16/06/2014 14:31

I'd be booking myself on a flight home pdq if I were you op. He's being horribly selfish and it worries me that you have to ask who's at fault here it's such a no brainer. Without your pregnancy even, pneumonia takes so much getting over-put yourself and your baby first here. He can get lost.

Get home, get rested and get well. Flowers

KoalaDownUnder · 16/06/2014 14:35

He is selfish, unreasonable fucker.

I'm so sorry! Do not let him convince you that YABU. You ABSOLUTELY are not.

silveroldie2 · 16/06/2014 14:39

Unbelievably awful behaviour by your 'D'H. Book a flight, tell him you are going, no discussion required, and go home.

Hope you feel better very soon.

Albiebee · 16/06/2014 14:49

I'm assuming it's your first pregnancy and maybe, just maybe that excuses some of his behaviour, it can be a bit of a shock all around to realise just how difficult and potentially life threatening a pregnancy can be, my OH was a bit rubbish to begin with.

Yet... pneumonia? come on. get yourself home and tucked up, your priority is you and your pregnancy. His priorities seriously need sorting out. It's deeply unpleasant and controlling to deny someone help when they are ill and then tell them they are attention seeking.

tbh he sounds like a bastard

MammaTJ · 16/06/2014 14:51

As someone who has been wiped to the floor by a urine infection, who is not pregnant and sleeping in my own bed, YANBU!

I want to send a personal jet to come and get you and take you home and tuck you up in your own bed. However, in the real world, I do not have the necessary jet!

Could you go home and leave him to have his fun?

restandpeace · 16/06/2014 14:52

Hes a knob, seriously. Your pregnant, full stop. On top of that you have been really ill. Go home.