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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to tell him the lawnmower is his present

28 replies

oxfordcomma75 · 14/06/2014 20:43

So for my birthday I asked mil for a contribution towards a fairly routine item that I needed. Perfectly happy to use her contribution and fa I, y funds to purchase this item. So mil gives me cash. All good. However, dh decides that actually he will buy said item for me as my present but can I wait until next month.
So my birthday comes and I have precisely nothing to open. I get a gift later from bil but that is it. My parents have passed away.
However, it is now dh birthday and he presents me and his family with a long list of completely non essential items he would like. Having gone out the week before to buy a lawnmower he fancies even though existing one ok.
Aibu to not make any effort as clearly I wasn't worth any effort.

OP posts:

Original poster

oxfordcomma75 · 14/06/2014 20:43

Family funds (fat fingers)

OP posts:

redexpat · 14/06/2014 21:48

What do you hope to achive?

Hassled · 14/06/2014 21:52

Do it. You got a functional item and fuck all to open on your birthday, he gets the same. These men (and they do all seem to be men) who don't make an effort for partners' birthdays but then want candles and rainbows on theirs really wind me right up.

You could maybe compromise with a ribbon on the lawnmower.

happycamper80 · 15/06/2014 00:35

Yanbu. Take a picture of lawnmower and write remember this on back.

80sbabe · 15/06/2014 01:57

My DH once bought me a ironing board for my birthday.
I reciprocated in kind and got him a set of drill bits for his.
He quickly discovered that jewellery, handbags, shoes or perfume are much better presents and mean he also gets something nice in return

attheendoftheday · 15/06/2014 02:11

Wild idea, but how about you talk to your partner about how you feel? Yes, he's being unfair, but ruining his birthday to make a point is not the greatest outcome.

RhondaJean · 15/06/2014 02:16

Em but ops birthday was ruined so why shouldn't she let him see how it feels?

YANBU. Report card for DH reads, needs to try harder.

sanfairyanne · 15/06/2014 02:19

i guess you did get what you wanted though? just that you asked for something functional
maybe just say you thought you werent doing presents. or you will get something next month. but definitely say something

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/06/2014 02:37

DH is clever enough to ask if he is buying me a functional item (mainly fancy kitchen stuff). Your DH is really selfish to buy you something functional and then give you a list of fancy wants.

sykadelic · 15/06/2014 05:09

I'd just tell him flat out, "what's with this list? lawn mower was your birthday present like X was for me".

BoneyBackJefferson · 15/06/2014 08:32

RhondaJean

"Em but ops birthday was ruined so why shouldn't she let him see how it feels?"

Because she is not a child and because adults in a relationship should talk to each other.

magpiegin · 15/06/2014 08:36

You did ask for the functional item (so even though late you got exactly what you wanted). He has asked for something else. What's the problem?

HappyMummyOfOne · 15/06/2014 08:41

You asked for the functional item though for your birthday whereas he purchased the lawnmower as a general item. Seems very petty to say he can't have a present.

HecatePropylaea · 15/06/2014 08:50

So what happened to the money your mother in law gave you? You say he decided HE would get it but it would need to wait a month, then the money she gave was not used for the gift was it? So what happened to it? Should you not have it to spend on something else? After all, it was given to you for your birthday.

and why did you not say no actually, hang on, that's not what I want?

We all feel differently about adult birthdays. Some of us aren't bothered about them one little bit whereas I know that some people want balloons and a national holiday and then there's everything in between. What matters is not how you want your birthday to go, that's up to you and you have the right to want it to go however you please. What matters is that you are not happy with the behaviour of your husband and it is him that you need to talk to about it.

You need to tell him about how selfish his behaviour is. And how unfair it is to expect a lot of gifts for himself while being happy that you get no gifts on your birthday and certainly not a long list! and have to wait a month for the one he did decide to get you.

DoJo · 15/06/2014 08:56

So did you actually get the item your husband promised for your birthday (albeit a month late?!)? Was the month wait so that he could buy it from his next pay packet?

daisychain01 · 15/06/2014 08:57

If you do something to "pay him back" all you are doing is creating a negative cycle, complexity and resentment.

My suggestion, which always works for me: Sit down with him, tell him why you were upset and what is important re. birthday present giving and move foward. Then if he behaves the same next year remind him of your conversation. Clear the air and it will feel better for you.

MaryWestmacott · 15/06/2014 09:00

Did you say at the time that you weren't happy with this, or did you pretend it was ok because you knew funds were tight?

I don't think you are wrong to say the lawnmower is his gift, but tell him now that's what you're going to do, not on his birthday. Point out you didn't actually get a gift for your birthday this year, you got a functional item that you both needed and it was a month after your birthday you got it. If you aren't doing gifts this year, then fine, but it's no gifts for both of you and he can ask for money from family to put towards practical things.

serious chat time - does he show consideration towards you at other times of the year/get you little gifts?

AuditAngel · 15/06/2014 09:07

For Mother's Day I got 3 cheap bunches of Tesco flowers as DH was pissed off with me.

Today we are going out for lunch with MIL and BIL and family. MIL has suggested the wives (and her) pay. I have also spent nearly £100 for theatre tickets to see DS in 2 weeks in production of Evita. So DH has some fancy jars of hot sauce. (£10 total in TKMaxx)

HopefulHamster · 15/06/2014 09:07

Did you actually get your functional item off him in the end?

greenfolder · 15/06/2014 10:11

am i being a bit thick? if mil gave you cash and then dh said he was going to buy you that thing but the following month, did you spend the cash on a nice present for yourself?

but yanbu- double standards.

Original poster

oxfordcomma75 · 15/06/2014 10:13

Not yet. Did get a few bits with mil money. Tbh its not about the money. It is about the lack of effort. I didn't have a single thing to open on my birthday.
I did say I was a little disappointed I didn't have anything to open.
I guess we have different ideas on gifts.
He and his family produce lists. I would prefer a dh of 15 years to be able to select something himself.

OP posts:

whatever5 · 15/06/2014 10:17

I'm confused. Did you use the cash your MIL gave you to buy yourself something? Did you tell your DH that you would not accept a routine item the next month from him as a birthday present?

Original poster

oxfordcomma75 · 15/06/2014 10:22

Did buy functional item. Although it was now exclusively my gift whereas I actually suggested that mil fund a percentage of it and the rest could be funded within normal family funds. Incidentally he also suggested a budget for the item so I didn!'t even a full say in the exact item.

OP posts:

Nomama · 15/06/2014 10:24

oxford, yanbu. He should have worked it out by now. You don't make lists, he does. He needs to have given the difference a little bit of thought.

In your position, I would tell him the lawnmower was his pressy. But would also get him a little thing, maybe an England flag for the lawnmower handle, if he is a footy fan (though that maybe even better if he isn't )

Original poster

oxfordcomma75 · 15/06/2014 10:30

Sorry mil asked me what I wanted for my birthday. At the time I only knew that I needed a particular item which is fairly functional/essential. Dh had moaned about how much I spent on another necessary item I brough recently. So I suggested mil give me some money towards said item. Thereby softening blow on family budget.
Dh, having heard this so decided that instead he would buy me said item as my birthday gift. Thereby meaning that I didn't have any gift to open. Just cash from mil and an iou for needed item.
Obviously cash in your purse just disappears easily so although I have brought a few small bits I haven't had a decent gift to open. Certainly nowhere near tbe numerous fun, unessential items on dhs list.
Wouldn't really do that but just feeling a bit undervalued.
Sorry being a bit vague as I don't want to fully identify myself.

OP posts:

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