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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let my uncle stay?

44 replies

IsChippyMintonExDirectory · 14/06/2014 14:27

My uncle, who I haven't seen since I was 10, is visiting from South Africa later this month. He wants to see me and meet DH and DD, which I would really love!

He is here for a few weeks and staying at different people houses at different times to save on hotel costs. Our family are mainly in a town about 2 hours drive from where I live, and this is mainly where he'll be staying.

He's bringing his son with him, my cousin, who I've never met.

My mum has offered him to stay at my house, told him "I'm sure IsChippy would be fine with that" and he has made plans to stay for 2 nights (didn't ask or check I just got a text saying when he'd be coming to stay)

Problem is I haven't seen him in so long (20 years) and haven't met my cousin so I'm not that comfortable with letting him stay. The nights he's planned to stay I'm at work the next day (can't take time off at such short notice) and DH works full time from home so wouldn't be convenient for them to be alone at ours during the day.

Plus our house is 3 bedroom, but 1 bedroom is ours, 1 is DDs and 1 is DHs office, so we have no spare bed. This would mean we'd have to find a camp bed of some sort and let them bunk in either the living room or DHs office.

WIBU to call him and say can he make other sleeping arrangements? I feel bad as he's on a budget! I can always offer to come to him in the town he's staying in 2 hours away, will save him petrol!

OP posts:
VodkaJelly · 14/06/2014 14:30

I would let your mum deal with it, she is the one who offered out your house without asking.

Tell your mum that he cant stay and she will have to sort it out.

DefiantRage · 14/06/2014 14:32

Like Vodka said, let your mum deal with it. Why do people do this Confused

Youdontneedacriminallawyer · 14/06/2014 14:33

Why on earth can't you let him stay? He's family. You don't need to be around during they day - they can explore the area.

A couple of air beds and sleeping bags on the living room floor would be fine for a couple if nights.

googietheegg · 14/06/2014 14:34

Cheeky fucker!! So he saves money by causing you and your DH a load of hassle?! Go to a Travelodge like everyone else

Thumbwitch · 14/06/2014 14:35

How very rude of your mum!
Do phone your uncle and explain your situation though as if you leave it to your mum it could get very Chinese whispery and cause more problems than you need it to - but do definitely phone him and say you're very sorry, your mum clearly doesn't realise your situation but you just won't be able to accommodate him even for that short a period, although you're happy to travel to visit him wherever he's staying.

If you can afford to, maybe offer to put him up in a nearby B&B - no reason why you should have to but it would be a nice gesture - but only if you can easily afford to.

Kerryp · 14/06/2014 14:35

I'd be the same op, like other posters have said let your mum sort it, she shouldn't have offered up your house like that.

MissMogwi · 14/06/2014 14:38

I'd be really annoyed at my mum for both arranging it without telling me and for putting me in an awkward situation. Is there a Travel Lodge or B&B nearby? Maybe that's an option.

I wouldn't want family I'd not seen for 20 years or never met sleeping in my living room either. I only just put up with the family that live in my house.Grin

londonrach · 14/06/2014 14:39

I'm surprised you didn't offer. My cousins live in oz. hadn't ever meet them but when they visited the uk we all opened our doors to them. If you really don't want them staying get your mum to deal with it. She should have checked but it's family and only 2 days.... If you ever visited South Africa I'm sure they put you up.

matildasquared · 14/06/2014 14:40

Yeah, a person I've never met is not staying in my house without me there. Relative or no. That's nutty.

Put it back on your mum. Be unequivocal.

CoffeeTea103 · 14/06/2014 14:40

Although it's rude of your mum, it's only 2 days can't you just let him stay? Sounds very mean of you. He's family.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 14/06/2014 14:40

Agree with all who say to tell your Mum to sort it out, can't they stay at her house?

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 14/06/2014 14:41

Family, so what? OP hasn't seen him in 20 years!

MaryWestmacott · 14/06/2014 14:49

This isn't close family, if you haven't seen him at any point since you were 10, this is a stranger in your house. If you aren't close enough for him to call you directly and ask you this himself, then you aren't close enough to be expected to put him up.

Tell your mum to call back and apologise, she didn't realise you don't have a guest room and as your DH works from home, it's not convienent to have someone in the house during the day.

Tell her she's welcome to offer for them to sleep at her house - if they are going to be sleeping on camp beds anyway, what difference does it make to them to be on your floor or your mums floor? To your mum, it might be much easier to dump them on you, but say no. She wants to see her DB, fine, she can play host, you don't volunteer someone else's home and nominate someone else for hosting duty. So rude of her!

matildasquared · 14/06/2014 14:52

The uncle is to blame here too.

It sounds like he contacted you by text and just informed you when he was coming? After not having seen you for twenty odd years? Who cares if your mum "invited" him. He knows you're an adult.

That is really assy behaviour and a bad portent of how he'd act once he's actually under your roof.

No way.

Text him back and say there was a misunderstanding, you can't host him. But excited to meet up with him! See you soon!

matildasquared · 14/06/2014 14:54

If you aren't close enough for him to call you directly and ask you this himself, then you aren't close enough to be expected to put him up.

Absolutely.

Slipshodsibyl · 14/06/2014 14:55

Sorry, I would let them stay. It might be annoying and inconsiderate, but it would seem churlish to do otherwise. Hospitality is important. I assume he is your Mum's brother?

matildasquared · 14/06/2014 15:00

I think hospitality is important too.

Hospitality is when you invite someone into your home.

Having a stranger show up uninvited and expect to be fed and housed because he happens to be related to your mother has nothing to do with hospitality.

MaryWestmacott · 14/06/2014 15:04

I do believe that hospitality is important, so I would be hospitable to my brother if he was visiting from overseas, not just dump him on someone else without checking if it suits them/they have space/they want to host for me.

HappyAgainOneDay · 14/06/2014 15:05

Those from small families do not know what it's like how splendid it is to be part of an extended family. The uncle is family so that's that. If I were the mother's chosen hostess, I'd put him up however I could. Or ask a neighbour if they have spare accommodation.

My great aunt came from Canada to stay with her Canadian granddaughter and her school friend at my parents. My mother had not seen her aunt since she was 7 but was so pleased to be involved now that she (DM) was 40

matildasquared · 14/06/2014 15:06

I believe hospitality is important, and so I would never dream of using a distant relative's home as a free hotel.

ExitPursuedByABear · 14/06/2014 15:07

I should let him stay. Then he can return the favour for you in South Africa.

phantomnamechanger · 14/06/2014 15:09

I agree, an uncle you have not seen for 20 years and a cousin you have never met in your life is NOT close family and would not stay in my house. Very different if you were always in touch, regularly chatting on Skype and sending xmas and birthday cards. I gather this is not the case.

Your mum had no business doing this and needs to sort it out. How does your DH feel - I assume he has never met uncle at all!

MY dads brother died recently but we had not seen him in 25 years because he emigrated when I was in my teens. I would not have put him up in my home with my DC.

MehsMum · 14/06/2014 15:17

I think the fault here lies with the OP's mother: for all we know, she just said to the uncle, Oh, IsChippy would love to have you - just drop her a text and let her know when! He probably assumed she'd spoken to you.

So IsChippy now has a choice: pass the buck smartly back to her mother (who should, definitely, have asked OP first), or do the decent thing: have Words with her mother but still have the uncle and cousin to stay. They won't be alone in the house (OP's DH will be there in the mornings), an airbed on the living room floor is fine ('I'd love to give you our bed but I sleep really badly on the floor and I've got important stuff going on at work at the mo...') They are not total strangers, and would almost certainly put up the OP and family if they ever went to SA.

Sure, it's stressful and annoying, but it's two evenings and two mornings, not two weeks, and you might find that they are lovely people.

matildasquared · 14/06/2014 15:30

He probably assumed she'd spoken to you.

No normal person would just show up at a family's home on this assumption.

It's not decent or hospitable to let yourself be railroaded into having strangers stay in your home.

fifi669 · 14/06/2014 15:31

What does your DH think about it? It's his house too so if he's uncomfortable with the idea it's a no go and excellent excuse

The fact that he's staying with you for just a couple of nights out of a few weeks makes me think maybe he's doing the rounds and wants quality time with everyone while he's over?

Your mum volunteering you was rude! I could say I'd ring her up and have a go but in all likelihood i'd roll my eyes, say I don't know how I'm going to manage but have them anyway.

I don't know how old your uncle is, is it going to be ok sleeping on a blow up? No bad backs or anything?

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